The repetitive ‘What If’…
So many different times in our lives we follow this thought
pattern…
Thoughts that swirl around in our heads, often taunting and accusing
us for not trying harder. Depending on
the circumstances it can range from annoying to devastating and often even
paralyzing. In grief the impact is even
greater because there is no opportunity to go back and change it. There is no restoration, no opportunity to
try harder or try again. The finality is
just that FINAL.
As a parent of a critically ill child we often were reading,
researching, listening to other’s opinions, and ultimately trusting that
someone knew what was best to help Millie.
When we were told she was terminally ill, the constant grasping at any
new idea for healing overtook us. We
were willing to try even more. We were willing to try the unknown and the
unproven. We were chasing anything that
offered HOPE of survival.
As she got sicker and sicker, we knew our opportunity for
healing was waning. We knew we had
tried. We knew we had done what we could
to find a cure. We had to resign ourselves
that it was okay to let her go peacefully, not continue on forcing her to live
a life filled with pain, trauma, and eventually still leading to death. We were grateful for each moment we had with
her and that she was able to pass away in our home surrounded by our family. Exactly how I would want to die. With my
family surrounding me, holding my hand whispering reassuringly of their love. I can write all of that and yet my eyes fill
with tears and my heart aches. Yes it
was a good way, but it was so hard to be in those last moments and even harder
to be each day away from that last moment.
About three months after she took her last breath, the what if’s
creeped in…
·
What if they would have given her a liver
transplant?
·
What if we had gone to Memorial Sloan
Kettering?
·
What if we had tried all the non-traditional
stuff early on?
·
What if we had caught it earlier?
·
What if…..
·
I had to come to grips with this line of thoughts and battle it
head on early. If I let it creep in just
a little, I would get swallowed up in self-doubt, misery, and
hopelessness. Every few weeks this ugly
monster rears his head again and I go to battle beating him back in place. According to the armor of God listed in
Ephesians 6: 13-17 He knew I would battle, and he gave me instructions on how
to do it.
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day
of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done
everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around
your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your
feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In
addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can
extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of
salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
First I have to have his truth buckled around my waist. This means literally putting on GOD’s truth…believing
it so much that I live it.
·
The TRUTH was we loved Millie and tried so
hard to heal her.
·
The TRUTH was that GOD loved Millie.
·
The TRUTH is that heaven is where we WANT
to be.
We have to wear the breastplate of righteousness. This is the living for JESUS. I cannot wear his righteousness and act like
the devil. Someone will call me
out. Someone will accuse me of hypocrisy. Someone will see my real heart if it is not
true. To wear his righteousness, I have
to truly believe and live it.
I have to have my feet fit with the readiness that comes from
the gospel of peace… what does THAT mean?
It means I will enter into the battle. There is no doubt about that, but
will I be READY? What makes me
ready? The gospel of peace. God’s instructions and my belief that his ways
are right.
I have to take the shield of faith to protect me from flaming
arrows of attack. Not everything that I
battle has a reasonable, logical, or even fixable solution…but I can have faith
that GOD will use it for good.
·
Will I like it? Not always, and especially
not in the case of losing Millie.
·
Do I have faith that he can use it for
good and his glory? Yes I do… His word tells me in Romans 8:28 “And
we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who
have been called according to his purpose.”
He did NOT say losing her was good. What he did say is it can work for
my good. Losing Millie has caused me to
seek him as never before.
Listed next is the helmet of salvation. This helmet is so
important because without it, the other pieces have no use. If we do not believe on the Lord Jesus Christ
and be saved, the how can we have faith and be protected. Wear his salvation boldly!
Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not
your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one
may boast.
Finally, the sword is the word of God. How do you battle any wrong thoughts?
·
His word… Scripture… the Bible
·
You have to believe it, live it, trust it
and then USE it.
The Bible is not just a book of outdated stories. It is the handbook to this crazy and often frustrating
thing called LIFE. Now that I have shown
you how I battle the what if’s about Millie, I will show you what it looks like
to me as I walk it out…
·
I boldly proclaim that God loved
Millie! He loves us! We could not add one moment to Millie’s
life. She lived the life that was
ordained for her to live. She was not,
nor were we shorted in her passing. She
lived a full and abundant life, just shorter than we expected (or hoped!). James 4:14 “Yet you do not know what tomorrow
will bring—what your life will be! For you are like vapor that appears for a
little while, then vanishes.”
Could I have done something to change her ordained life?
Luke 12::25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to
your life?
Job 14:5 You have decided the length of our lives. You know how
many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer.
I believe no, I could not change how long she was here with
us. God knew. My job was to take every day with
gratefulness and not for granted.
((It might occur to you to ask why we treated with Chemo if we did
not think we could change the outcome?
Because as the King David said in 2 Samuel 12:13-25 “While the child was
still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious
to me and let the child live.’ He did
what he knew to do while there was still hope…breath…life. We continued on in hope as long as there was
life.))
·
God is GOD who can do anything
·
He does not need me to help him do a
miracle
·
He loves us
·
His ultimate goal is for us to live with him
in HEAVEN
I know some of the things I write are very different from how
others think. I share my heart as both a
way for you to know how to pray for me but also to open your eyes to different
ways to think about God’s word and how it can affect your life. I love hearing your opinions and am always willing
to learning new things. Message me your
thoughts…
Blessings Sweet Friends,
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
I still
believe in Millie’s Miracle
｡･:*:･ﾟ☆Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
#MilliesMiracle
#Forever3
#WithJesus
#Neuroblastoma
#ChildhoodCancer
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