~Our Faith is in the Lord Jesus Christ~

Why I'm blogging...

Welcome to our lives, our farm, and our family. Here is were we give you a view into our daily walk. I pray that it might encourage you while giving you a real life glance deeper into our lives. May we honor the Lord in all we do and say. My greatest hope is that anything you admire within our family points you right back to the Lord Jesus Christ and our love for HIM.

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Oil of Joy

 I have debated writing much the next few days. It seems like I am repeating myself often and maybe people are getting tired of hearing me share about how life was—before cancer attacked our family. Maybe telling how life was during cancer is too much for the faint of heart. Maybe sharing how grief is—after cancer, gets old as it swirls around and often returns for another blow. Maybe, just maybe, people think life should be moving on by now? Or maybe the truth is that my many struggles resonate with others and the things they walk through in their life?

By nature, I am a complainer. There you have it— a self-confessed complainer that often forgets to look for the good in life. My personality is very black and white. I see the bad and I see the good, but the grey is something I think I might be colorblind too. I have always said it “like it is”, often at the expense of other people’s feelings. On the Enneagram I come in as a solid # 1. My decisions and life direction seems to be rooted in wanting to do the ‘right thing’, whatever that may be. That is not to say that my right thing might look like others, just to acknowledge that if my heart felt it was right then I tried to pattern my life after it.
As a younger woman that led me to want to be perfect. You know unflawed…to be a dynamic and on fire Christian with an awesome prayer life and able to serve the Lord freely. I wanted to be a wife that was loving, supportive, and intuitive. I wanted to be a well-balanced mother; one who knew how to weigh out training our children to be respectable citizens but holding their hearts. A homeschool mom who focused on the most important subjects. A friend that had sound advice yet could point you to righteousness. The pressure was intense and needless to say, I failed—miserably! As a dear friend of mine pointed out, if I were perfect then I would have no need of Jesus. What could he save me from if I had it all together?
So back to the complaining, if you are trying to be perfect and it doesn’t work out… you will probably complain. If you expect your marriage to be perfect but your spouse is a sinner just like you, you will probably complain. When you have precious little blessings that act in the most unlikely ways, ones that often embarrass the snot out of a mama, you will likely complain. So… I complained! I fussed that we were too busy, the baby kept us up all night, the laundry pile was never ending. I griped that my hubby worked too many hours, my children were disobedient, and life was hard. If I had slowed down long enough to see the opposite side of that coin, the blessings would shine through.
We had lives filled with friends, fellowship, and fun. Our sweet baby loved to be rocked while cuddled close to mama late at night when the house was quiet, and mama was still. The laundry and dishes were evidence that our home was filled with people we loved. My hard-working hubby enjoys providing for his family and doing an excellent job while he does it. My children were needing more time with mom, their actions often a way to gain attention. Life was hard, not bad, but hard. Many times, in my life there have been hard times, however June 20, 2019, ranks as one of the top hardest dates to me. That was the day I heard, “I’m sorry it looks like Amelia (Millie) has cancer.” Life got HARDER!
A cancer diagnosis brings so much unknown. Questions about long term survival, prognosis, and treatments all rush your mind. Information on daily care, medicines, and side effects are constantly changing and updating. Emotions add a whole other layer to the confusion. As I walked through this new hard, all the previous hard things seemed so easy. Not to write them off, everyone has hard stuff they deal with, but rather to acknowledge that now I had to decide what I would do when faced with the really hard, life altering hard stuff. Would I choose JOY or a life of bitterness? If I chose JOY, how would I find it? What would be the deciding factor to direct my path? First, God’s word is always right, so if I am to choose Joy, then I have to follow scripture. Second, there is one key thing that brings us to a place of having joy in our hearts. That key is GRATITUDE. Without a thankful heart, I am simply a complainer.
Gratitude sparks JOY even in the hard. Joy will never come first. Until I was grateful for things, even the hard wretched things in life, I could not find true joy. Am I thankful that Millie died…is that what I am saying?!? NO WAY! Instead, I am saying that even in the horrible pain of her death, there has been great things coming out of it. New believers in Christ, marriages restored, mamas cherishing their children more, greater dependence on Jesus—so much good coming out of the ashes of her death.
Isaiah 61:3
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
This verse is so full… the prayer so encompassing:
“God please take away the ashes of this loss and restore it with a crown of beauty. Fill me with the oil of JOY again, replacing my mourning. Dress me in a garment of praise for all to see, removing my despair. Call me a mighty oak of your righteousness. Plant me where you would have me grow. Let the display of splendor in my life be a direct refection of your grace. Help me to count it all JOY and give thanks in all things. AMEN”.
....by the way, the older I get the more I see grey as a valid color. I even like it enough to paint my bedroom in it last fall.
Blessings sweet friends…
。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★。・:*:・゚☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
。・:*:・゚☆ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵


Monday, May 31, 2021

A Year Ago Today

 Most days I wake up thinking, “What were we doing a year ago today?” It seems so long ago, yet so fresh in my mind. So foggy, yet with crystal clear flashbacks of what her little skin felt like. Her pudgy hand in mine, her sweet voice and funny saying are all thing that run on a loop throughout my day. Am I sad? Yes…no…always…maybe…absolutely. Grief encompasses so much confusion. There are so many BIG emotions that swirl around together until you are not sure which ones you will land on or how long you will be there. It has become common to laugh and cry in the same sentence.

~ I am sad Millie is not here, that I have missed each of the last 10 months of my life with her. I miss so much about her!
~I am grateful that she is not in pain, suffering through the endless procedures trying to put on a brave front. She would beg us please not to do it again. She would yell, “I NOT brave!!” …yet she was one of the bravest people I know. She TRUSTED us even though we had to allow others to hurt her—sometimes even inflicting the pain ourselves. She showered us with kisses and love, knowing that we never wanted her life to hold that kind of pain.
~I am scared that I might forget her smell, the feel of her body, her funny sayings or cute expressions. I get scared that others will forget her, that she really existed. She was a baby I loved, a toddler I adored, a little girl that was amazing! I want her memory to be a sweet one to everyone that knew her, but even to those that just knew her legacy.
~I am happy that she is with Jesus. I have NO DOUBT that before we are accountable for our actions we are accepted straight into heaven upon death. There is no wondering or worrying…Millie is forever with our Lord. She did not understand sin yet, but she did know Jesus loved her and she prayed to him often. Praying for her friends with cancer, her sisters, and brothers, and even for herself. “Dear God please take away my cancer!” He answered her prayer in the purest way… Not my will by thine, oh Lord!
~I am not mad. I know some people get MAD…really MAD when their child passes away before them. So far (Praise GOD not me!) I have not experienced that emotion. I hold closed to my heart the scripture that says:
𝗝𝗼𝗯 𝟭:𝟮𝟭 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝗶𝗱, 𝗡𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗰𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗜 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝘆 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿'𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗺𝗯, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿: 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗴𝗮𝘃𝗲, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗵 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆; 𝗯𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗼𝗿𝗱.
This does not make it easier, but it does remind me that my time with her was a gift the Lord gave. It was not an expectation of a long life that he then shorted her from having when he called her home.
So… “What were we doing a year ago today?” We were living life at home together. Millie had just returned home from another unexpected ER trip that showed nothing. We spent May 30 playing with our veterinarian kit. Millie laid out the stuffed animals and went to work fixing all their ailments. We played in the yard. This was actually the last time I remember her just slipping on her shoes and going out to play without a big person following her around. She and Little Man played in the yard with sticks and mud that day.
Later that afternoon daddy took them down to meet our Llama Hope. Millie loved telling the story of the Llama spitting her food all over Mama. She thought that was so funny! Mille took some selfies with her big sister making sweet, puckered lips like any other teen girl ---especially 3 going on 18! She received a special package in the mail that day. Her very own blue BIBLE showed up and a sheepdog to remind her that the Lord is faithful to guard us. We enjoyed our time at home and prepared to leave the next day for our Texas consult for the next leg of her treatment.
As my mind rolls over these events and the emotions flood back, my eyes often fill with a few stray tears. Don’t mind me—those tears represent all the love stored up in my heart for my precious girl. Love that must now seep out the cracks of my broken heart. Each day of her 3 years, 7 months, 27 days together reminds me whether good or bad days, they were blessings. I am counting my blessings one by one.
***On a side note, both Millie (our JOY!) and the Llama (HOPE) have now passed away. I guess I forget to share but Hope got sick in April and even though the vet and lots of medicine were applied, we could not get her better. Thankfully, she died while we were on vacation and so the children did not need to experience more grief head on. We told them but our dear neighbor had taken care of her remains before we returned. Life on a farm is always filled with the full circle of life and death. ***
Blessings sweet friends…
。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★。・:*:・゚☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
。・:*:・゚☆ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

Thursday, May 27, 2021

Mama, I made it for you

 Little Man gave away something recently that was precious to me. He innocently shared something that he owned, something he created, something that can be recreated---and yet I cried. Silly to cry over something that was not even mine, yet the tears flooded my eyes and stabbed my heart. All a left-over emotion of walking through death. I often think (maybe even secretly fear) that something will happen to the other children and I will have nothing left that they have created. Nothing left by which to remember these days. Moments that are so precious to me, yet rapidly pass by as they grow. I do believe that God does not want me to live in fear. I know because it is clearly stated in scripture. Yet I have to remind myself to lean on his strength. I have to speak truth to override the fears on the hard days.

“𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐨𝐭; 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐞: 𝐛𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐝; 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐆𝐨𝐝: 𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐞; 𝐲𝐞𝐚, 𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐞; 𝐲𝐞𝐚, 𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐮𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬.” -- 𝐈𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐚𝐡 𝟒𝟏:𝟏𝟎
I have spoken of my scrapbooks before telling you what mementos they are filled with. I think my children often thought I was making scrapbooks for them to remember their own childhood. I might have even thought that in some tiny way. I did write personal letters to them in their books. However, reality is those books are for me to remember--to look back at their lives to a time when the days were simpler, when their perspectives were filled with innocence and wonder. Those books let me relieve days gone by that can never be reclaimed. For some of them, it makes my heart happy. I can see that tiny baby that God placed in my arms and connect the months and years to the adult they are today. My heart is filled with JOY seeing where God has walked with them and where he is leading them now.
With Millie’s life, I do not have but a few items that she created. I have some scribbled coloring sheets. I have a tiny scrap of paper she colored and cut out for me, bringing it, and saying, “I made it for you mama.” I am so thankful I placed it into my bible that day and found it after she passed away. I have pictures of where she drew on the couch. I have the handprint art that was made in the hospital. What I do not have is her name, in her handwriting… I have just one drawing she made of a smiley face and some scribbles. Anyone else would have tossed it, not being aware of what they were looking at. I knew that was the only drawing my baby would make for me.
When I look at her book, I see her whole story written in just 3 short years. Her book will not be long, her story will not contain as many life events, but her life testimony is far reaching. To see the entire love of Jesus wrapped around my aching heart and to know that her story has caused me to lean in closer. To listen for his guiding words. Her death has given me a desire to know him deeper, to be more heaven focused, and relationship oriented. Her life has changed my life!
Blessings sweet friends…
。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★。・:*:・゚☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
。・:*:・゚☆ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵