Positive reinforcement, encouraging feedback, and uplifting words are all things that pave the way into a person’s heart. Knowing that a kind word over a harsh criticism is always more acceptable should keep us desiring to be positive in everything we do. People naturally want to be accepted and loved. When encouraged we respond by doing more of the very thing that got us the good response in the first place.
I have been trying to use more positive reinforcement in my schooling with SJ and Little Man. I told them if they got their school going on time in the mornings, I would play a game with them at 11 am. The tried so hard and the very first day we had a few rounds of Dutch Blitz with big sister Katherine joining in. What a blessing to see (1/3 of) my children sitting together and enjoying themselves. Another thing I have tried is to encourage the children in their handwriting studies. Each time they complete their paper well (I do not expert perfect!), I have been giving them a special sticker on their paper. As adults we would not be so encouraged with a special sticker, but there are other incentives that get us moving.
Consider the discount we get on our insurance for good driving or the pot of money we win when we lose the most weight in a challenge. We all have things that motivate us. On the other side though, we all have things that discourage us. Usually it involves harsh words or even a distaining look that are taken as offensive. Sometimes it is the repetitive nagging that we do to our kids and husbands… pick up your shoes… put down the toilet seat… brush your teeth… take the trash out… Day in and day out we repeat those statements until sometimes we feel like we cannot bear to say it again. They think we are nagging; we think we are directing. Scripture compares us to an annoying and constant drip.
Proverbs 27:15 - A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.
I recently listened to the abridged version of Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. I have read it in the past, but listening to the audio version let some different points sink in. It stood out to me that people will respond to encouragement much better than instruction. That can be a difficult balance, especially as a parent. It seems if our time is spent in encouraging and modeling life to our children, we do not have to spend near as much time instructing them. They learn by reinforcement, rather than condemnation. This is an area I am weak in. I instruction often, then repeat myself to drive the point in. I am constantly ‘teaching’ with words rather than actions. I want to be better about this. I want to do life along side my children, rather than telling them how to do or not do it.
As for husbands, it really is best to remember we are partners, and he does not need another mother. While we do make decisions together and he listens to my opinions, he does not need me to ‘teach’ him, especially not by passively speaking to the children loud enough that daddy can hear. Next to grief, I believe having successful relationships is the hardest thing to accomplish in life. It takes a lot of humility, lots of forgiveness, being willing to say sorry, and applying the speck and beam scripture frequently.
Matthew 7:3-5
3 “And why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank that is in your own eye? 4 Or how will you say to your brother, ‘Let me pull the speck out of your eye,’ when a log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite! First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
I have been practicing being both a wife and mother over 30 years now and I know there is still so much to learn.
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