I sat through my daughter’s Elementary Christmas program last night with so many emotions. Looking at all the sweet little girls in red bows and fancy dresses made me think of Millie. At 4 years old this Christmas, she too would have pranced in those fancy dresses and black shiny shoes. As the Nativity scene started and my tears fell, all I could think of was that we are seeing just a depiction of Christ this Christmas but our girl is truly seeing him
How wonderful yet how painful for us.
Although I knew a few moms in the room only one saw my heart. She stopped to offer a hug, encouragement, an understanding, then even a texted a heart as the night wore on, all in a quiet strength. I appreciate the discernment, discretion, and the concern that someone else knows that all things Christmas are not all things JOY.
Christmas just seems to make the grief harder. What is merry, feels lonely. What is festive, feels very fragile, almost brittle waiting for me to break at any moment. What should hold great anticipation, holds more dread.
Yesterday was a rough day in many ways, one being that my aunt died. The grief for her just seems to add onto my grief for my girl. I can only imagine how my mom and her sisters feel. My girls probably understand much better.
Daily, I meet more and more parents who have children in heaven. Sometimes I would like to go back to the days when I only knew a handful and I didn’t have a grasp of how they felt. Blissful innocence on my part. The problem with longing for that day is it takes my focus off of my daily dependence on Jesus. That song “This world is not my home, I’m just a passing through” comes to mind. I’m continually trying to set my mind on things above, not on earthly things.
Walking through this trial has given me a greater compassion for other parents. It’s opened my eyes to how differently we grieve. It has placed a longing in me to gather with other hurting parents and offer encouragement and understanding maybe the greatest support I can offer is the knowledge that they can live through losing a child. I know it hurts! It hurts in a way I can’t even accurately describe. It’s a mixture of an elephant sitting on you suffocating the breath from your lungs, your heart being ripped from your chest, your body weighing 2000 pounds, and losing your mind all at once. That might be too mild of a description. You could add in drowning in your own hot tears too.
I share that to say if you don’t know this feeling personally, I’m grateful. I hope none of my friends ever know this pain. If you do though... if you are already a grieving parent... then all I can offer is the quiet strength to say I see you, I care, I hope you can “lean into Jesus”. He will sustain you as he is sustaining me. He cares for each of us.
1 Peter 5:7
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
｡･:*:･ﾟ☆Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
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