Well I know tonight many of you are wondering how today went. I cried most of the way to the hospital. As I got out of the van, I told my hubby he could come back and get me at 2… if I lived through it! I know that sounds crazy, but my anxiety over the medical stuff had me falling apart.
In my life, I have struggled with severe asthma starting at age 4. At eleven I was diagnosed with debilitating scoliosis that led to having 2 Herrington Rod’s to be placed in my back. This surgery has prevented me from doing some normal things like bending, heavy lifting, and activities that risk breaking it. These limitations influenced me to give birth to all our children without an epidural. I would rather do natural childbirth than have a hole in my back!
Due to the rods, the joints in my upper and very low back are wearing out. They take the brunt of all movement. They are starting to grind and pop after 33 years of fusion. I needed an MRI to evaluate the damage, but sadly the rods would cause a flash back that makes the scans unreadable. The next option was a Myelogram lumbar puncture followed by a CT Scan. During the Lumbar puncture they injected dye into my spinal fluid which will allow the bones and joints to be seen more clearly.
It is interesting to note that cancer kids, specifically kids battling leukemia regularly receive lumbar punctures to receive spinal chemo. Often the kids will have an LP over 20 times before they finish treatment. Remind me WHY I was whining about having an LP??!??
I thought about that a lot today. I sobbed at each stop, leaving my hubby at the curb, checking in, getting my IV, discussing my procedure. My anxiety was so high! Did the pain scare me? Yes, but not so much… remember the 9 natural babies? Being alone scared me, but he would have been the waiting room anyway. The unknown scared me, but I knew I would be asleep. So really what was my problem? Why did I feel like the crazy lady in the room? One small word…GRIEF!
The past year has left me sitting in the waiting room waiting for my girl to return. Covid has left me sitting in the parking garage waiting when they wouldn’t let me in…one parent only. It’s allowed me to see her hip bones drilled open and marrow extracted. It’s let me see 36 Million stem cells taken out of her body and the aftereffects. I’ve seen close to 75 sterile dressing changes. I’ve cared for and watch G-tubes, then GJ tubes be placed. I’ve seen my husband give nightly shots in her sweet leg while his tears fell and she was saying “I’m not gonna kick, but I’m gonna scream!” I’ve sat through countless CT Scans, MIBG Scans, Ultrasounds, Echo cardio grams, and MRI’s. I watched the PIC team place untold amounts of IV’s and repair her broken Broviac. I’ve watched her blood be cultured and treated with so many antibiotics. I’ve watch poison poor through her veins hoping it would destroy the cancer…
But mostly, I have watched a super BRAVE baby who sat through all these things because her mommy and daddy told her to. I have watched her love and trust the very nurses who inflicted the most pain. (NOT because they wanted too!). I have watched her get out of the car and immediately head unsteadily for the swing because she was so tired of the hospital. Millie was a super AWESOME little girl who embraced her life even with the limitations of the last year.
The pain, the tears, the grief was not for myself. It was because I have loved so deeply, so greatly and so profoundly that at times the broken heart gets to be to much. “Heart problems?” they asked at check in. I guess I should have said “Yes, I have a big hole in my heart left by a precious little girl.” “Have you ever received treatment for your condition?” “You see it’s a lifelong condition. It’s something I treat daily with the help of my great physician Jesus. I will never be healed this side of heaven, but I will live a full life knowing that Millie was once a part of me.”
John 10:10 "The thief comes not but to steal and to kill and to destroy. I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."
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