Most days I wake up thinking, “What were we doing a year ago today?” It seems so long ago, yet so fresh in my mind. So foggy, yet with crystal clear flashbacks of what her little skin felt like. Her pudgy hand in mine, her sweet voice and funny saying are all thing that run on a loop throughout my day. Am I sad? Yes…no…always…maybe…absolutely. Grief encompasses so much confusion. There are so many BIG emotions that swirl around together until you are not sure which ones you will land on or how long you will be there. It has become common to laugh and cry in the same sentence.
~ I am sad Millie is not here, that I have missed each of the last 10 months of my life with her. I miss so much about her!
~I am grateful that she is not in pain, suffering through the endless procedures trying to put on a brave front. She would beg us please not to do it again. She would yell, “I NOT brave!!” …yet she was one of the bravest people I know. She TRUSTED us even though we had to allow others to hurt her—sometimes even inflicting the pain ourselves. She showered us with kisses and love, knowing that we never wanted her life to hold that kind of pain.
~I am scared that I might forget her smell, the feel of her body, her funny sayings or cute expressions. I get scared that others will forget her, that she really existed. She was a baby I loved, a toddler I adored, a little girl that was amazing! I want her memory to be a sweet one to everyone that knew her, but even to those that just knew her legacy.
~I am happy that she is with Jesus. I have NO DOUBT that before we are accountable for our actions we are accepted straight into heaven upon death. There is no wondering or worrying…Millie is forever with our Lord. She did not understand sin yet, but she did know Jesus loved her and she prayed to him often. Praying for her friends with cancer, her sisters, and brothers, and even for herself. “Dear God please take away my cancer!” He answered her prayer in the purest way… Not my will by thine, oh Lord!
~I am not mad. I know some people get MAD…really MAD when their child passes away before them. So far (Praise GOD not me!) I have not experienced that emotion. I hold closed to my heart the scripture that says:
๐๐ผ๐ฏ ๐ญ:๐ฎ๐ญ ๐๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ฎ๐ถ๐ฑ, ๐ก๐ฎ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐บ๐ ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ'๐ ๐๐ผ๐บ๐ฏ, ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ป๐ฎ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐น๐น ๐ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฟ๐ป ๐๐ต๐ถ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ: ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฑ ๐ด๐ฎ๐๐ฒ, ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ต ๐๐ฎ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ป ๐ฎ๐๐ฎ๐; ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ป๐ฎ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฑ.
This does not make it easier, but it does remind me that my time with her was a gift the Lord gave. It was not an expectation of a long life that he then shorted her from having when he called her home.
So… “What were we doing a year ago today?” We were living life at home together. Millie had just returned home from another unexpected ER trip that showed nothing. We spent May 30 playing with our veterinarian kit. Millie laid out the stuffed animals and went to work fixing all their ailments. We played in the yard. This was actually the last time I remember her just slipping on her shoes and going out to play without a big person following her around. She and Little Man played in the yard with sticks and mud that day.
Later that afternoon daddy took them down to meet our Llama Hope. Millie loved telling the story of the Llama spitting her food all over Mama. She thought that was so funny! Mille took some selfies with her big sister making sweet, puckered lips like any other teen girl ---especially 3 going on 18! She received a special package in the mail that day. Her very own blue BIBLE showed up and a sheepdog to remind her that the Lord is faithful to guard us. We enjoyed our time at home and prepared to leave the next day for our Texas consult for the next leg of her treatment.
As my mind rolls over these events and the emotions flood back, my eyes often fill with a few stray tears. Don’t mind me—those tears represent all the love stored up in my heart for my precious girl. Love that must now seep out the cracks of my broken heart. Each day of her 3 years, 7 months, 27 days together reminds me whether good or bad days, they were blessings. I am counting my blessings one by one.
***On a side note, both Millie (our JOY!) and the Llama (HOPE) have now passed away. I guess I forget to share but Hope got sick in April and even though the vet and lots of medicine were applied, we could not get her better. Thankfully, she died while we were on vacation and so the children did not need to experience more grief head on. We told them but our dear neighbor had taken care of her remains before we returned. Life on a farm is always filled with the full circle of life and death. ***
Blessings sweet friends…
｡･:*:･๏พ★,｡･:*:･๏พ☆ ｡･:*:･๏พ★｡･:*:･๏พ☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
｡･:*:･๏พ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･๏พ☆
︵‿︵‿เญจ☆เญง‿︵‿︵
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