Turning my head

 Dear Friends,

I have a few things that cause guilt deep inside me. Not scripturally wrong things, we know what those are and how to overcome them through Christ (I hope!). No, these are things that are opposite to the standards I feel that I set on myself. Some are little, some are big…

The first is food…especially sugar! It is so good… It makes me so sick… I eat it, love it, get sick, and hate it all in one day. Sugar is not a sin…unless you are gluttonous, and it leads you away from God…both things I am prone to if I am not careful.

Two is not spending enough time with my people… my hubby, kids, grandkids, and parents. I get so caught up in the busy of life that I feel guilty when I cannot make enough time to enjoy those most important to me. I know how important it is to make every moment count, but I also know how hard and tiring it is.

The third hurts my heart and makes me hang my head. I struggle to follow all the cancer kids I see on the internet each day. Some we know personally, but many we will never meet other than through their prayer pages and private messages. There are so many sick… and it feels like everyone I know has a kid that is dying. It is a false perception I realize. In the cancer world we stick together. We follow and root for each other! We understand the disappointment when the bad scans are read. We embrace the JOY when those words NED are heard. We love BIG, pray hard, and hope long that these kids will survive. Many do, some do not. Then as a parent who understands loss, I often try to reach out to the other mamas. I want them to know they are not alone, that others realize the depth of earth-shattering loss they feel. But honestly, sometimes I want to turn my face. I do not want to know who is hurting. I do not want to remember the pain of hearing, “her tumors are growing”. I do not want to weigh in my mind if relapsing time after time and living through years of suffering is a better life or if my daughter who is perfectly healed in heaven has it better.

Over and over my heart breaks for these kids and their parents. Daily David and I shake our head and shed some tears as we lose another kid or ten to this beast! I have a handful of kids I have followed since Millie was diagnosed. Their mamas followed us and prayed for Millie… I follow them and pray over them too. I also HURT when I hear the fear in their mama’s hearts as they wonder if these precious children are relapsing… when they wonder if their child will ever see their home again… when they worry that the strange pain might be the cancer spreading. My mama heart remembers---my grieving heart aches---my mind numbs to avoid more pain and loss. As much as I want to engage, sometimes I have nothing left to give but a ‘caring’ click and a prayer. I have no words left to offer comfort. I do know the one who does though…Jesus. I cannot fathom how people walk this journey without him. He is our shepherd who leads us and comforts us.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; the rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

I pray you know him as a comforter who really loves you.

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

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