Old Chism Farm: Embracing the hard

Tears of Joy and tears of Sorrow are so closely related.

Thoughts that bring sweet memories also bring heart ache.  Ideas, plans, dreams, and even memories all stop when death steps in. 

I had the idea that I would always be a mom to nine children.  They would grow and mature, marry and have children of their own. I would have lots of grandkids… some even thought 30 or more sounded reasonable.  I could envision large family gatherings where all the kids and grandkids come back to the farm to visit.  We have long known we would need to build on again.  This time it would be a large family room and new open kitchen where my daughters and daughter in laws would gather to help prepare meals.  The men would all sit around the television together, while the grandkids ran around generally making noise and mischief.  Some of the grandkids are older than the aunts and uncles, so they would join in the mix as ‘parents’ with their own children joining in to play with their cousins.  While it does not resemble a Norman Rockwell photo, it does follow the memory I have of grandma’s house with my own aunts and cousins. 

I had the plan of seeing Millie standing beside her sisters on the day they each got married, wondering if she would be a flower girl or maybe a bridesmaid. I thought of her holding her nieces and nephews, especially the one born shortly before her 4th birthday.  She would ask me often, “I gonna hold Joe’s baby, mama?”  I always answered with a catch in my voice, “Lord willing you will hold him”.  She did not get to do that, but oh how his Aunt Millie loved him even before his arrival.

I had the dream of who she might be as she grew up.  Would she be a working woman or a stay-at-home mom (still working!)?  Would she continue to enjoy living on the farm or be in a hurry to head to the city…the land of high-speed internet? 

I had so many memories of her here in our home.  Funny things she said and did.  Jokes she told, foods she loved, games she played, and our nightly snuggles.  All of these things came to an end when we met death face to face.  Some days I handle it all right knowing we all die, and heaven is our ultimate home if we love Jesus.  Other days I struggle--not with the faith part, but with the finality part.  I struggle with the end of the ideas, plans, dreams, and memories.  July 8, 2020 has a period after it.  

This morning as I sat in my same rocking chair, covered with my blue bee “Ady blanket” that Millie left me, and reading my daily devotional, a certain handsome ‘Little Man’ joined me.  As he arrived wearing his red plaid Jammies from the hospital Christmas Party in 2019, he came ready to snuggle into the memories of his sister.  He starts our conversation with “I want Millie back” … I remind him that she will not come to us, but we will go to her in heaven someday.  He asked to hold bear and monkey as we smell them, always searching for a little hint of Millie’s scent.  He starts to play as he sings, “bear and monkey are dancing’.  I even asked today why he likes to play that?  He answered, “because I remember Millie playing that.”  We share memories of Millie and smile together, although the tears stay just behind my eyelids.  I remember her waking up one night yelling, “Stop it Bear!  MOM!  Bear and Monkey are fighting!”  That brings a laugh to my memory and a smile to my face.  She was so mad that her animals were misbehaving.

So many memories right in this room.  From the first moment of her existence to her final breath, we were here.  Every day rocking in this same chair, listening to her sweet lullaby music.  It is so hard when so much is the same, yet the main part is different.  Some might suggest I should change things, get rid of the chair, turn off the music, or even move bedrooms?  But I will not.  I have no plans to run from my memories.  I want to fully embrace them and never forget the years I had Millie in my life.  Instead, as I rock and listen—as I smell her things and rub her blanket, I will forever thank Jesus for the time she was in our family.  What a sweet precious blessing!  

𝐏𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐬 𝟏:𝟑 “𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐦𝐲 𝐆𝐨𝐝 𝐮𝐩𝐨𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮”

Blessings sweet friends…
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
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#MilliesMiracle