This week has kept me thinking.
There has been lots of good things, some overshadowed by hard things. I have been writing but it has been more in a journal and not online. I was able to work on Millie’s book some yesterday. It seems my attention span has gotten shorter the last few weeks to sit for long periods of time focusing so intently. I often wonder why I feel so scattered then it hits me. As I look through our photos, read our journal, and try to piece the details together coherently it reminds me that I am choosing—-forcing myself really, to recall the most difficult 3 weeks of my life.
As I gather my thoughts, I’m also reminded of so many good memories that I somehow had forgotten. This journey is like flipping through the pages of Millie’s scrapbook. Reading her life story, laughing and crying in the same breath. I would not trade these memories for anything. I treasure each moment in my heart. My only regret is the pain she endured. As a mama it broke my heart to know that she hurt so. Gratefully I know that Millie is healed and pain free forever in heaven.
Tonight a friend blessed me as she reminded me that Millie doesn’t even think about the pain she endured here on earth. Remember...no pain or sorrow in heaven? That includes our past sorrows. Millie has been completely and mercifully set free from the ravages of cancer.
I however will not be free from the scars my heart obtained watching my girl fight so hard. I will continually bear the marks and carry a broken heart from releasing her back to the Lord.
Do I have faith? ABSOLUTELY!
Do I trust he has a plan bigger than I can see? 
percent!
percent!Will I continue to love him even through this pain? Yes I will.
Jesus is my constant companion, guiding my steps. He leads me and when I can’t go forward, he carries me. He did not cause this loss...this devastating loss, but he did know it was coming and allowed it. He knew it is part of what draws me to seek his face so completely.
Losing Millie has changed me. My testimony has teeth now of someone who has walked through the fire and is still hanging on. How I use that testimony will depend if I want to focus on my loss OR Millie’s gain.
I pray that the words I share point you to the feet of Jesus. That you will see Millie’s life as a sweet blessing—a brief stop here as she headed to her ultimate heavenly home. I also desire for you to see a mama determined to love Jesus and share hope through his salvation. As time goes on this walk does NOT get easier. It’s harder now 8 months later than it was the first few months. This is not an illness that I will heal from. This is a battle scar that gives proof that I AM the mama to a WARRIOR.
･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟﾟ★ ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
｡･:*:☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ★｡･:
*:︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵｡･:*
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