There was Jesus

 As I was driving this morning, this song came on the radio. It is a song that speaks to my heart each time I hear it. It tells how each moment of our lives Jesus is there. Even when we think we are all alone, he is there. To an unbeliever that sounds almost crazy. How can Jesus be with us when we know he died over 2000 years ago. How can a man who willingly gave his life for me (us!) on a Roman cross, a brutal and bloody death, be here with me? How can a man who arose on the third day, then was seen ascending into heaven, be here with me? What does that mean “There was Jesus”? The words in (parentheses) are my thoughts on each line of this song.

There Was Jesus

Dolly Parton, Zach Williams

Every time I try to make it on my own

(through trying to be perfect)

Every time I try to stand, I start to fall

(through the starting over daily)

And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on

(through standing alone in convictions )

There was Jesus

When the life I built came crashing to the ground

(through marriage and financial troubles)

When the friends I had were nowhere to be found

(though kid troubles)

I couldn't see it then, but I can see it now

(from the depth of despair)

There was Jesus

For this man who needs amazing kind of grace

For forgiveness and a price I couldn't pay

(through forgiving myself for my past mistakes)

I'm not perfect so I thank God every day

There was Jesus

There was Jesus

In the waiting, in the searching

In the healing, in the hurting

Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces

(you have to search the brokenness to find your gratitude)

Every minute, every moment

Where I've been or where I'm going

(at my very worst, he died for me!)

Even when I didn't know it

Or couldn't see it

There was Jesus

On the mountains

(the high spots)

In the valleys

(the low points)

There was Jesus

In the shadows

(the places I should never have been)

Of the alleys

There was Jesus

In the fire, in the flood

(when you are put to the test, trial by fire)

(in a flood of tears)

There was Jesus

Always is and always was, oh

(He NEVER changes!)

No, I never walk alone

Never walk alone

You're always there

There was Jesus

The best way I can describe it is that I know no matter what I go through, no matter what happens, I can depend on Jesus. He died for me on my worst day. He didn’t wait for me to get it right… there was no hope of that! He comforts me when I’m broken hearted. He gently leads me. His word teaches me, influences me, and changes me. I’m not the same person I was when I met him. He puts a great compassion in my heart for those that don’t know him. For those that don’t know his peace. They struggle, searching the world for the love and acceptance that Christ offered freely. No matter what they find to fill that empty spot, it is only a temporary fix. Christ alone is the answer!

I can say all of that without wavering. What our family has been through is hard, sad, awful! How someone can survive this without the hope of Jesus I can’t comprehend. I have a hope of tomorrow… I have a hope of the day I will see Millie again. I know many of you do too. I believe as you enter the gates of Heaven, you will know her by sight. You will be able to greet Millie as a brother or sister in Christ. That assurance reminds me that my girl is okay. She is where my final resting place will be. There is nothing here so great that she would turn back for even a moment. When you are in the presence of Jesus, you are complete. Millie is complete, healthy, and happy. Praise the LORD!

The last few days I’ve been seeing little signs to remind me each day of the impact she has had on our life. She lived her life well. She lived it fully and completely. She changed us forever! We packed our bags for the marriage retreat and when we arrived, Millie’s toothbrush was in our travel bag. A tiny little child’s toothbrush. Used for all her hospital admissions. I think it will stay there in our bag forever. When I cleaned the freezer out this afternoon, in the bottom was the bag of breast milk I pumped for her when she was in the PICU. It was labeled July 1, one year and 7 days before she passed away. Somehow it was overlooked all this time. On a side note, because it’s like liquid gold and hard to get; it felt odd throwing it out! You never know how precious that stuff is until you have pumped a bottle full then spilled it. The tears will flow!!

When I arrived at the bank today, a sweet prayer partner of Millie’s took her “Today I will chose JOY” sign down from her teller station and brought it out to me. She knew I search for that JOY each day. This sign always reminds me! Later as I was sharing the sweetness of this gift with my dear friend Cherie, she caught a glimpse of the back of the sign. Unknown to me, there was a sweet note of encouragement written there. Again, the hands and feet of Christ, his people, loving and encouraging me! What a blessed sight!

Finally, at dinner tonight it was just SJ, Little Man and me. As we ate, we talked about our day. I asked them “what was the best part of your day?” Little Man said, “my best part was being with you mom”. That boy knows how to melt this mama’s heart. He gives me that sweet smile, loves me so big, and is still my ‘little boy’. I do not look forward to the day when mom is no longer someone that he thinks he can snuggle with. Having two sons that have grown past that makes me hang on a little tighter to the last few months and years of his boyhood. SJ also told me that was her favorite part but added “if daddy was home though you would have to share with him!”. Daddy has her heart!

Children truly are a blessing. Even the hard moments are so worth the investment.