I recently heard the saying “Expectations ruin relationships” That statement is pretty powerful. I find in my life that my expectations are based off of my standards. For years, I looked at our family standards as the measuring stick or recipe to things turning out like I expected. This recipe can even be taken as far as legalism. Not because my heart wants to be legalistic, rather because I want to finish well in this life. I want to be a leader to my children, constantly pointing them towards righteousness. I want to know that they finish well too. It would be so much easier if they could just learn from my mistakes, but I know from having 6 kids over the age of 13 that is not reality. So where is that balance?
First off, a standard is by definition is something we measure against. Not exactly a comparison, more a goal that has set accomplishments to know you have obtained it. A lofty standard like “we will be Godly” will not be obtained because there is no set measurement of when we have become Godly. A predetermined goal of “we will train our children in how to study the bible daily” has an action point that is obtainable.
One of the standards that our family has held for many years is that if our children were to remain under authority, we planned for them to go through courtships verses dating. Remaining under our authority means as they leave our home they can choose, but if they are in our home, they will follow our direction. Now age plays a huge factor in this also. What I can tell my 16-year-old, doesn’t really apply to my 25-year-old. Now back to courtship, if you have been in the homeschool community any length of time you have heard this phrase, however I have learned it means something different to EVERY family.
For some it means that the parents will control every aspect of the courtship. They will provide the young men many guidelines to what they have to achieve before they can marry their daughter. For some parents it represents the parents refusing to bless the marriage if they say they don’t think the other person is good for their child. Some cultures even choose the spouse in a prearranged type of marriage, although I have never personally met someone in that type of relationship.
For our family courtship means to date with intention. Not to go out with every person you find just to have a good time. It means evaluating the person you are attracted to under the guidelines and standards of “Will they be a godly spouse? Will they be the type of parent I want my child to have? Will they be kind both in speech and action? Will they provide and work hard or be slothful?” These are huge questions to consider. Why do we think if someone is not what we want now that a ring on their finger will suddenly turn them into the perfect mate?
David and I do not expect young people to have it all together when they start a courtship. They won’t always know what job they want to do, but they will already exhibit if they are a hard worker. Their attitudes and actions give you a clue as to how they will live their life. If they use coarse language, punch holes in things, or carry a bitterness, it is a huge red flag of the years to come.
Do they love the Lord Jesus? Do they study his word? If not, you can not expect a Godly spouse, especially a husband who will be a leader. That’s not to say that they will not grow and mature, we all do! David and I are not the same people we were when we walked down that aisle at 17 and 15 years old. Now 30 years later we have walked so many hills and valleys but think of the greater joy and ministry we could have had if we had started on a firmer foundation.
Of our four oldest children, one has gone through a courtship, two have dated, one is waiting for the person that God would send without dating. It is an interesting mix. Even in the dating ones, we still have tried to be very intentional in what we allow. We try to talk about expectations and exhort the other person to see what a treasure our child is to both us and GOD. This is not a frivolous ‘having fun’ type of thing for our family. We want very measured words, thoughts, and deeds that will honor God and each person. As Christians we want to do it God’s way, not the world’s way.
As parents, we grow and change too. Things that we did with some kids, were sometimes standards or convictions that we didn’t want to repeat with others. Either for good or bad… There is no perfect recipe to raising children. They were given a free will to make choices and accept the consequences. My children start to express their freewill as infants when they have their first tantrum. We are called to gently guide them as our Shepard guides us to better decisions. How we do that will look differently in every family.
What were standards that you placed before your children? What would you change if you have adults children and are looking back on their teen years?
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