Dear Friends,
I find it very interesting what motivates us in life. Today I watched my children head to our corrals, pull a clump of GREEN grass and hand feed our horses. The same horses who avoid us all summer when the pastures are full of grass. The same horses who are ornery and do not want to be ridden and so they shy away to an outstretched hand. The same horses who were once well trained and their skills show through when an experienced horseman gets on the saddle. Those horses came up to the fence and serenely allowed themselves to be hand fed the yummy, luscious treat. Even the Llama got in on her treat. The cows however are not so motivated. While they would have loved the grass, they allow fear to override their common sense even though we have raised them from babies, they know where their food comes from, and we are never unkind to them. They are NOT as smart in my mind.
In the same manner, people have things that motivate us. Most women in my circle of friends are pretty familiar with the “5 Love Languages” book by Gary Chapman. As discussed in this book, they are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Depending on what your love language is depends on how you feel loved and valued. We might have a little of all five, but all of us have a primary one. Do you know your love language?
I believe mine to be quality time. I enjoy physical touch, but weary of people in my space. I am blessed with gifts, affirming words, and acts of service to me, but the way to my heart is simply to sit with me and spend quality time. To me, I am motivated by the time a person will put in to hear my heart and then trust me with theirs. If this intrigues you, you might want to take this little online quiz to see where you fall.
With as many children as I have, they each have a different love language. I wish I could share what Millie’s was, but I honestly do not know. What it was not, was physical touch. She was a ‘touch me not’ much of the last year and a half. I do not know if that was from pain or just being irritable, but she did not really want people touching her a lot from age 2 until about her last 6 months. At that time, she started touching David and I all the time. She even started allowing the other children to hold her, rub her legs, lay in her bed with her. They were such a blessing of comfort to her!
My next children are so varied. One is a strong ‘touch me not’, does not need gifts, does not seem to need acts of service, does not seem to need affirming words but seems to enjoy spending time together…. Quality time? I do not know for sure as it is hard for me to pinpoint others.
Another has always been physical touch, with a strong second to affirming words. Again no big need for service, gifts, or even quality time that I see.
Then I have one who thrives on affirming words. Because that is the gift that thrills her heart, she in turn is excellent at giving that gift to others. To watch her on the ball court cheering her teammates on blesses me.
Another one is the gift of quality time. If I neglect to offer that, it leaves a feeling of unconcern and not being cared about. This child will often follow me around the house just talking to me about whatever is the current fancy. Right now it is learning Spanish… I do not even understand a lot of what is being said, but hey we are spending time together.
The next is a HUGE “Words of Affirmation” gal. My bible is stuffed full of sweet notes that say, “mom, I hope you have a good day. I love you!”. When Millie got sick, she created a daily devotion book for me with things like “Day 1 remember you are loved” “Day 2 You are a great mom!” “Day 3 Trust in the Lord”. She spent so much love and effort making that to keep me encouraged.
Again, I birthed a quality time child. She does not ask for much; gifts are appreciated but not needed. She likes a hug but is fine for one a day. She does not need me to do much for her or say much to encourage her but LISTENING to her… now that is another story. I often fall short and she says, “You are not listening!” We have long interesting conversations with big words, deep meaning, and great understanding. Today after hearing the definition of a Philosopher she asked me if I thought SHE was a philosopher? She reasoned she enjoyed knowing things and sharing them with others. The NEED to be HEARD! (Philosophy is the study of underlying things. This means philosophy tries to understand the reasons or basis for things. It also tries to understand how things should be. "Philosophia" is the Ancient Greek word for the "love of wisdom").
Finally, my little man is a TOUCH…TOUCH… and in case you missed that PHYSICAL TOUCH! He loves to snuggle, rock, and is always trying to get something on him to touch my skin. Either his hand in my shirt sleeve or his face buried in my neck. When he climbs in bed with me he needs to put his feet on my legs or his hand on my back. He feels loved with he is touched.
Knowing all of that, you would THINK I would best know how to love each of them, but alas… I still mess it up. The physical touch ones I often offend because I hug quick and step back. The words of affirmation that I give have to be well planned out otherwise I feel like I am being fake. There are two children that do love gifts, but even so I forget to buy ‘just because gifts’ very often. The one I mess up the MOST is the QUALITY TIME one… How is that possible?? My love language is quality time. You would think I would understand this one the best, however all I can guess is if you have two quality time people together and they BOTH want to be HEARD it is hard to pour into each other. As the mom, it becomes my joy to set aside my need to be heard and listen instead. If I selfishly demand to be listened to instead it gives the idea that they are not important to me. SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH!
Boy this parenting stuff is hard…
Relationships are hard...
And yes my husband is physical touch AND acts of service. I had to figure him out too.
Blessings sweet friends…
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
｡･:*:･ﾟ☆Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
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