Old Chism Farm: A Puzzling thought

Dear Friends,

Guess WHAT??!?? We finished the puzzle from Christmas. All 2000 pieces of it. As the last few pieces got placed quicker and quicker, we knew the task was soon to be complete. I even remarked I hope all the pieces are still here. How sad it would be to finish 1998 pieces and have a hole remaining in the finished picture. Then for a brief moment we really could not find the last piece. We searched around the table, under the edges of the puzzle, until we spied it laying very obviously on the puzzle. In plain sight yet blending in so as to stay undetectable. Puzzles can be very synonymous with life. None of us want to get to the end and have a hole left, gaping with the unfinished. Instead for most of us we strive to complete a life well live.

I think that thought might be one of the reasons that grief in child loss is so difficult. We do not see the whole picture of who we think our child was supposed to be. We cannot understand why God would call a child home and leave an unfinished picture behind. We stand and stare at the empty spot wishing, begging, aching for a chance to finish this life. To see it to completion, while reality is we as a parent could never have ‘enough’ days with our child. No matter how many God granted, our hearts would still want more.

Proverbs 30:16 “the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, 'Enough!'”

And while our wombs were not barren, our arms are now barren. Our hearts are not satisfied with the time we had, rather it screams more even when we know God is sovereign and good in the time he did give us. This is where I tell myself that all I can have now is gratitude. I cannot change the outcome, but my heart can be so thankful for each blessed moment.

I listened to an incredible podcast this week about a family that lost their teen daughter to a very unexpected suicide. The first year their daughter was gone they mailed out Christmas cards with a puzzle piece inside. On each piece they wrote a scripture reference that talked about what we see in this current life. https://www.buzzsprout.com/1230350/6619705-a-story-of-peace-from-chaos-hannah-wathen.mp3?blob_id=27848389

1 Corinthians 13:9 “Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture!”

Their family (and ours) understands that we see the missing piece so clearly, yet we can not see the completed puzzle. We do not know what the final picture will look like. We are so intensely focused on the missing piece, our sweet daughter.

· Now I see a little girl who has gone before our family to live with her heavenly father

· I see a family left behind to try to navigate the grief her leaving caused

· I see a father who wonders how to hide his grief and walk through each day

· I see sisters who excitedly plan things in their lives while knowing in the back of their minds that one of them won’t be there. Holidays, Weddings, and Births will all be times of joy celebrated without their sister.

· I see brothers who know that we can’t change it, but that still miss her dearly.

· I see nieces that don’t understand quite where she went or if she will get better and come home.

· I live being a mama to a three-year-old, who is no longer three but will forever be just that. A mama that has empty arms, an empty rocking chair, and an aching heart.

I also see:

· People who write telling me how much Millie’s story has touched them.

· I see people saying how much my feelings and words resonate with their hearts as they navigate grief.

· I see the Lord placing in my heart a new boldness to share the important things of life, eternal life.

What I don’t see:

· I have not seen all the people that have heard the name of Jesus because of Millie.

· I have not seen if her donated stem cells were able to be used to help another child fight this retched disease.

· I don’t know the full picture of who I will be at the end of my life. I don’t know if I will have used all that God has laid before me to the best of my ability to glorify HIM. I hope so as that is my heart’s desire…

· I have yet to see how losing a sibling will affect my other children. How it will color their choices. How it will mold their decisions. How it will either make their hearts grateful or bitter. How they will learn to cherish each moment.

However, Our Heavenly Father DOES see the entire picture. He knows how this will change our story. He sees if we will use this place in our life to bless or curse. He knows if we will love him even in the pain or blame him. He sees what we do not. Someday, in heaven it will all be made clear. I do not know if that means that I will understand earthly things or just that heavenly things become so clear that it will no longer matter. What I do know is that I will be worshiping at the feet of Jesus with my precious Millie. My prayer is that our other children will be there too. That our grandchildren will gain that heritage. That you sweet friends will surround us like a cloud of witnesses as we hold one glorious worship service in heaven.

Blessings of Peace sweet friends,

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