Today…
Today was that day…
Today was the day that grief snuck up on me. When I woke this morning to grey and rainy skies, it reminded me of the day Millie first went to the hospital for chemo. My FB post from that day said “The skies are mimicking my heart today...” The sky resembled that day.
My thoughts this morning were rushed, but peaceful. I got my coffee, did some school with the kids, and took my time getting ready. I was nervous about the Covid test, a little afraid my eyes would water, so I skipped the mascara. It was finally time to start my hour-long drive to the city. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I use that time to make my catch-up phone calls. I have the best visits on those long drives, particularly with my ‘grief partner’. She is one of my forever friends who has also walked through cancer attacking her family and often takes time to just love on me and remind me how much she cares! Praise God for Christian friends.
As I entered the city and finished my phone calls, my nerves started to build. By the time I located the first Covid testing site I could feel my heart pounding. They informed me I was in the ‘wrong test line’. I headed around the building to the outpatient surgery testing. As soon as I saw the attending RN, I said “I think I’m going to have a stress attack!” She tried to reassure me as she sent me to park. At this point I am sobbing in the parking lot… When the testing nurse arrived at my window, I was sobbing so hard I could barely breath. I’m not normally one to become upset. I have a very high pain tolerance. It was just that day…
She was so patient and did not rush me. She was kind and compassionate. The test was not painful. She listened to my heart and looked at my picture of Millie. She left my vehicle with tears her eyes too.
You see today stood for so much more than a simple Covid test. Today was a reminder that my precious baby girl had endured 4 of these tests. Today was a revisiting the place I sat the day she admitted to the PICU without her mama on Mother’s Day weekend. Today was a slap in the face that she went through so much and yet she still died! Today, I was reliving all the bad from the last year!
As I headed in to my preop appointment in the regular hospital, I continued to sob. It is so hard to walk and talk normal yet feel like you are suffocating on the inside. The admit lady had a scripture quote on her desk. I showed her Millie’s photo and we discussed what I already knew but needed to be reminded about this scripture.
Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
I was reminded at that moment that even though all things (Millie dying) are NOT good, that all things do work together for the good of those who love him (ME!) and who have been called according to HIS PURPOSE… I have been called.
When my appointment ended and I retrieved my vehicle, it made its way over to Children’s Hospital. Today was the day to give away Millie’s last “hospital item”. You see for two months now I have driven everywhere with Millie’s little white tricycle in the rear of my van. I knew I wanted to donate it to the hospital. I wanted it to be used by children stuck in bed, needing exercise and fun. I wanted to envision other children enjoying it as much as Millie and I did as we traveled miles down the hall and around the nurses’ station. Day after day, trip after trip, she never tired of riding her bike and ringing her bell like ‘Trolley’ on Daniel Tiger…ding, ding!
As my dear friends the Child life ladies met me downstairs to take the trike, I was filled with Joy and flooded with Sorrow all at the same time. I hugged and cried and hugged some more. The three CL ladies do an excellent job, but I am not sure their job requirements are loving each patient and family. These ladies go above and beyond to truly LOVE on the families. The kids love them, the parents love them, and surely the staff loves them… they make everyone’s life easier. Sherri, Bailey, and Rachel you are forever part of our family. Millie loved each of you. I love each of you!
Millie’s Heart
Millie’s Clothes
Millie’s Wagon
Millie’s Pink House
Millie’s Tricycle
All of Millie’s give away stuff is now gone. What I have left will be displayed on her shelf. It will hold Bear and Monkey, pink blankie, her little green cowboy boots, her photos, special mementos of her cancer fight, and a piece of my heart. It’s hard to think of the things you have left are fading memories and things that will wither and rot. Scripture reminds us to value what is truly important.
Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
Millie is my treasure waiting in Heaven. Oh, to see that glorious day when we will be there, together again.
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