It's been 2 months since Millie left us...

 As I sit down to write today it is almost 3 pm. Two months ago today at 3 pm I heard Millie’s last few ragged moans. She was waiting for me to come back in the room. She was waiting to say goodbye before her flight to heaven. On that particular day, Millie had stayed in bed all day. The previous night was long, she slept with her forehead pressed to mine, holding my hand. Early that morning she asked me to rock her, then two hours later she asked to be put in her bed. Although each day we wondered how much time we had left, we had no indication that the time was close at hand.

Throughout the day, her different siblings took turns going in and holding her hand and laying with her. Not everyone was here, but most of us were. The last person to lay with her was her big sister K. After about 2 hours, K came out into the living room with us. We left Millie alone, resting in her bed for a few minutes. We were ever listening for her to call, but I felt a prompting that I should go check on her. When I walked into the room, she was looking for me and moaning softly, repeatedly. I quickly got daddy, then the other children. We gathered around her, she quieted. She held our hands and Daddy blessed her. I had climbed into bed to lay beside her… to be as close as possible for what I knew was the end of this precious life. We told her how much we loved her. We told her not to be scared. We told her to run to Jesus. Then we wept! Oh how your heart aches when you see the life go out of your child. To feel her warm sweet body, yet to know that she is no longer there. I immediately ask daddy to hand her to me. I had to hold her one final time.

It’s hard to write, to type this. My eyes keep flooding with tears. Some times I cry more than others, but when I have to sit and think that was the last day I would see her -ALIVE, my heart breaks. Oh the hope of heaven. The expectation of seeing her ALIVE. The completion of seeing her JOY as she is pain free, happy, and worshiping the Father. Heaven got a little closer now as a piece of my heart is there.

Some things that stand out about that day was that we were listening. We were listening for Millie. We were attentive and attuned to her. When she called, we responded. Millie was also attentive. She heard the Father calling. She was trying to wait for her earthly family, but as Jesus started to call… she was listening. That reminds me of the Biblical account of the child Samuel.

1 Samuel 3:1-10 “The boy Samuel ministered before the LORD under Eli. In those days the word of the LORD was rare; there were not many visions.

2 One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place.

3 The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple [1] of the LORD, where the ark of God was.

4 Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, "Here I am."

5 And he ran to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me." But Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down." So he went and lay down.

6 Again the LORD called, "Samuel!" And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me." "My son," Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down."

7 Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD: The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him.

8 The LORD called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me." Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy.

9 So Eli told Samuel, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, `Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.'" So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

10 The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening."

Samuel went on to serve the Lord as he was called to do. You see Samuel was LISTENING for the call of the Lord, just like we were listening for the call of MILLIE.

How attentive are you to listening to the call of the Lord?

When God lays something important on your heart, do you do it? Do you make excuses like Moses did in Exodus 4:10 “But Moses pleaded with the LORD, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

I know for me I am often not a great listener. Oh, my heart wants to be, but I let the distractions of the world sidetrack me. I have convinced myself that I can do two (or multiple!) things at once. My husband and children often say, “you are not paying attention” or “I’ve already told you that!” I want to argue “No, you never said that!” but I am not sure if that is true or not. The last few years it has been even harder to ‘hear’… I must be looking at the speaker to understand them.

I think God is trying to teach me to be a better listener. To remove all distractions; to place my priority on the important and ignore the other things that hinder our fellowship. The things that keep us from listening.

Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,”

My distractions will be different than yours, though similar. Friends, cell phone and computer, even exhaustion, grief, and annoyance all distract me from being an attentive listener. This is what hinders me.

There are so many scriptures on being a good listener:

James 1:19

Proverbs 1:5

Proverbs 18:13

Jeremiah 26:3-6

As I was studying this though it jumped out that even God himself is a listener. Someone who does not need to give me the time of day, instead actually LISTENS to me.

1 John 5:14 “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.”

Jeremiah 29:12 “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”

Psalm 116:1-2 “I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live.”

Isaiah 65:24 “Even before they finish praying to me, I will answer their prayers.”

Psalm 50:15 “Call on me in times of trouble. I will rescue you, and you will honor me.”

Psalm 18:6 “I called to the LORD in my distress, and I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.”

Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”

Back to my last day with Millie. I PRAISE God that my heart was attentive to him that day. I PRAISE him that I heard her moan. I would have been forever been heartbroken to think of my little girl laying in a bed alone dying, not knowing her family was just a call away.

Thank you for praying for us still. I might need you to pray for a long, long time. This is something I’m sure you carry with you every day until you take your last breath and join your loved one in heaven.

Praises:

There are many, but right now, I am grateful for just a regular, unhurried school day, watching my kid LOVE learning.

Prayers:

I have a pre-anesthesia appointment tomorrow (Wednesday) that includes a COVID test. My first! I am so nervous and hate the thought. The only way I even know it will be ok is because I WATCHED my STRONG BEAUTIFUL 3yr old DAUGHTER do it 4 separate times. She would say, “They gonna do that nose thing again?” It made our hearts so sad to say yes. She hated it!

On Thursday, I am scheduled for a Lumbar Puncture to inject dye into my spinal fluid. I will have a CT Scan to evaluate my back problems. You might remember I was supposed to have this in April, but Millie was admitted to the PICU that day. I was not allowed to be with her in the hospital at all. I was in the adult hospital on one side of the sky bridge, she was in the children’s hospital on the other… so close yet so far away! I again must go alone. David will drop me off at the door and (if I live through it!) he will come back 6-8 hours later to pick me up.

I try not to get mad about all the medical stuff we have gone through…. but I am over these COVID rules. Because of COVID, I missed out on many of Millie’s last days. Because of COVID, I did not get to celebrate my last Mother’s Day while she was alive – together! The ‘rules’ are dumb! Sick people NEED FAMILY! Babies NEED their momma’s!! MOMMA’s hearts NEED their babies!!!

Please pray for me. I NEED my hubby but won’t have him there.

Pray I become a better listener and hear the word of the LORD and the voice of my family.