Battling Survivor's Guilt

In the last few weeks, I have encountered quite a few people expressing survivors’ guilt.  A sweet friend and I were discussing it today and it made me think it is worth examining our thoughts on surviving a traumatic event.

One definition of survivor’s guilt is:

“a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress experienced

by someone who has survived an incident in which others died.”

 

I do not know if this is how everyone feels when they survive something traumatic.  There are so many different things in life that cause trauma.  Car wrecks, house fires, natural disasters, large scale events like the Oklahoma City Bombing or World Trade Center Towers. There are soldiers in combat, plane crashes, and illnesses.  Sometimes it seems the survivors feel guilty because those that passed on are close family or friends that were in the trauma together.  They may wonder why their lives were spared and the others were not?

 

In our family’s case it is my wonderful, supportive tribe of cancer mamas.  These precious women are in the trenches day in and day out fighting for basic survival of their child.  That child might be diagnosed as a small infant, toddler, elementary age, middle schooler, high schooler, or even young adult.  As you quickly learn on the oncology floor is that cancer is ruthless.  It does not care who it hurts or what their age.  Another thing you learn is there are so many kinds of cancer.  According to the American Cancer Society, “The types of cancers that occur most often in children are different from those seen in adults. The most common cancers of children are:

• Leukemia
• Brain and spinal cord tumors
• Neuroblastoma
• Wilms tumor
• Lymphoma (including both Hodgkin and non-Hodgkin)
• Rhabdomyosarcoma
• Retinoblastoma
• Bone cancer (including osteosarcoma and Ewing sarcoma)”

Now when you consider that each variation of childhood cancer has many different offshoots, it leaves endless possibilities of children on the Oncology floor.  About 700 children a day worldwide will receive a cancer diagnosis. That equals 15,780 children in the United States under the age of 19 that will be diagnosed with cancer this year according to American Childhood Cancer Organization.  

Despite major advances – from an overall survival rate of 10 percent just fifty years ago to nearly 90 percent today, for many rare cancers, the survival rate is much lower. Childhood cancer is not just one disease but made up of 12 major types with over 100 sub-types, so although some types of cancer have a 97% survival rate (Hodgkin Lymphoma) others have a survival rate of less than 1% (DIPG). The number of diagnosed cases annually has continued to increase over the past 20 years.  One in five American Children will not survive a cancer battle. (American Cancer Society)

With that type of odds, it is inevitable that children you meet at the hospital, the ones you play with in the hallways and waiting rooms, could possibly die.  As a mom, you try not to look around and wonder whose child it will be?  Mine? The little girl down the hall?  The baby that cries half the night. The teenage boy that is fighting after relapsing…again.  You simply PRAY.  You pray God will save your child.  You pray your friend’s child will survive.  You wonder how you will break the news that a friend has passed away?  In our case of course, Millie was the one to die.  So how did these mom’s share with their kids?  Some talked to child life and had them help explain it. Some reminded their child that Millie no longer hurts and is with Jesus. A few simply didn’t tell their child because they don’t want them to be sad or scared that it could happen to them.  There is no right way!

On the other hand, how did the mom’s themselves react.  First, they were so incredibly kind to our family.  Serving us, loving us, calling, coming, making things for us to remember her by. Secondly though they expressed ‘survivor’s guilt’. They felt bad that their child is thriving and off treatment, or maybe even still fighting for their life, but still have LIFE.  How do you respond to that?

I assured each mama “No, I am sooo grateful that your child is doing well.”   I would not for one second wish they walked through the death of their precious child. I don’t wish that it was your child instead of mine.  Do I miss my baby?  YES, every day until I meet her in heaven, but I truly believe she fulfilled her days on this earth and God’s plan for her life. That is where I gain my peace in trusting HIM. There can be no survivors guilt if we embrace the idea that God has a plan, purpose, and time for each of us. He himself numbers our days. We must use each day to his glory.  His word says:

All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.(Psalm 139:16)

^{Psalms 90:12} So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.

^{Psalms 37:5a} Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him;

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

We see such a small part of God’s plan.  It’s like looking at the duck swimming peacefully on the pond.  We see his calm body gliding gracefully in the water.  What we don’t see is everything going on under the surface.  The feet rapid paddling, the turtles, and snakes to avoid, the weeds to get tangled in.  The fish that tempt that duck to lose focus. A lot of things go on in the spiritual realm that we will never know about here in the physical.  There are battles being waged, guardian angels protecting us and more.  Some of that sounds strange to new believers, but scripture assures us in  Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

 

So tonight, I am reminded to use each day God gives me to his glory.  I’m encouraged by how many allowed me to pray for them this morning.  It took me about 3 hours to pray over and respond to each of you.  So many needs…so many hearts hurting…we NEED Jesus and each other.  Thanks for showing up here every night to encourage our family. 
Blessings, 

Millie’s Momma

 

Praises:

I’m feeling (more) confident that I can pull it together for this year of homeschooling. What we just walked through makes you feel fuzzy brained and a little lost at times. I’m excited though to start a new year and SJ prayed tonight “thank you God for letting me do school with here safe with mommy”.  I love her sweet sincere heart.

 

Prayers:

Say a prayer over all our favorite nurses on the 10^th floor tonight.  Those men and women see so much.  The love and give and lose and hurt, only to do it all over again with the next child.  They are caregivers, playmates, prayer partners, even ‘parents’ to the children in need.  They are tough and tender at the same time.  I appreciate every single one we encountered.  And I must add our special PICU nurse in there too!