An Unwelcome Guest

Grief drops by often as an unwelcome guest. It is met in so many places, times, and in front of many faces. Grief doesn’t care if it makes you uncomfortable. It doesn’t care if you hurt and you’re eyes flood with tears. Grief knows that you will never be able to outrun it. Grief is crafty and you can’t hide from it. Even if you think you might conquer it, the truth is it will gain the upper hand when you least expect it. Grief can cause physical pain, emotional exhaustion, and mental confusion. It will steal your time and energy. It will cause you to ‘think’ you are crazy. It can be so lonely. Grief can do all these things…

Grief can also do something else. Something more important. It can cause you to seek. It can cause you to cry out. It can demand you reach out. Grief can be the catalyst for change in a life. It can cause an understanding of what is truly important. Grief can be Satan’s weapon OR it can be God’s tool. Will the grief you encounter in life be used as an attack to take you out or as a vehicle to move you to a better place in life?

Don’t get me wrong. I KNOW grief HURTS. I’m not downplaying that at all. I encounter it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Some days are very hard. Others have a mist of sadness when I think on the memories of my sweet baby. Each day has the opportunity to use that grief as a pity party or as a turning point. I can sit and drown in it OR move forward with a clearer purpose of the life God has given me. I can be BITTER or BETTER…

Since Millie passed away in July, I have had three different times that a well-meaning person has asked me “how is your daughter?” Each time I have had to answer, “She passed away in July.” Those are hard words to say, especially to someone expecting you to share how well she’s doing now. Often Daddy and I will tell someone before they ask that our sweet girl has passed away after fighting cancer for a year. That may seem odd to always be throwing that into a conversation, but it is a protection from catching us off guard. It allows us time to decide how to process our grief.

It’s also frequent that someone will ask “How are you?” That is a HUGE IMPORTANT question that has no good answer. I want you to know that I appreciate each person that checks on us by asking that. I know it feels so awkward to ask that… because what can we say? Good? No, missing Millie is not good. How I am depends on the moment. It depends on the day. It depends on the circumstances. It depends on the memories we have relived that day. However, have no DOUBTS, we do want to be asked. We do want to know that others care. We do want to talk about Millie. You are not reminding me of what I’m missing. There is not a moment that goes by that I don’t remember. I think it will always be that way. What you are doing is verbalizing that Millie was important to our family, to you, to the LORD. Her life held importance. She was special. She was beautiful. She was funny. She was so loved. So, no matter how awkward it is, always feel good about asking someone about their children. Whether living or not, they are still our babies. We still have joy in their existence.

I’m leaving you with the “love chapter”. Love is so important. Caring for each other. Reaching past being uncomfortable, our differences, our preferences to see each other as children of the same GOD. Offering comfort and compassion to others. LOVING one another…

1 Corinthians 13 “If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Sabbath

 

Being strong all week comes with a price.  Tonight, I’m exhausted. We overslept for church this morning, skirting in just as class started with no breakfast. We intended to go back this evening, but just couldn’t make it.  Being both physically and emotionally tired means Sunday really does need to be a day of REST.  Now I firmly believe that church is important. We try to go as often as possible.  I also believe that God created a sabbath day of rest.  I know the Sabbath was technically sundown Friday until sundown Saturday, but we also know that we are not required to keep Old Testament laws.  Christ tells us that the Sabbath was made to benefit us, not for us to benefit the sabbath.  We can take our sabbath any day of the week.  The point is to slow down, rest, and focus on God.

Mark 2:27 “Then Jesus said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”

 

Someone has drifted off to sleep while waiting for bedtime…I wish it was the children. 😉

I hope your Sunday was filled with Jesus, family, and rest.

As for me and my house

 I have been meditating on complacency tonight, yet when I typed in the definition the dictionary showed another meaning than where my thoughts were headed.

“a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements”

This definition seems to be about being lax or lazy with our own accomplishments.  It focuses on not wanting to try harder or go the extra mile.  I guess that is one look at complacency, but I was thinking more about complacency in my daily walk. Maybe I am thinking of the wrong word here, but when I consider being complacent, I think it is the opposite of caring or taking a stand for important things in life.  If I am complacent with my healthy eating, I tend to feel bad and gain weight.  If I am complacent with my clothing, I tend to look sloppy, wrinkled, and dirty.  Is complacent the right word?

When I go the next step and apply complacency to my actions in the world, it affects not only myself but those around me.  If I am complacent about voting and making my voice heard, then I and other conservative minded people will live under laws that do not honor the direction we feel the country should go. If I am complacent about standing up for things like being pro-life, then laws are made that go against my conscience.  There is a saying that goes “You’ve got to stand for something, or you will fall for anything”.  

We are each given free choice.  I am not telling you that you need to support what I do, but rather to know what you stand for. Do not look the other way when it is time to take a stand.  Too many things are happening in our country and our world right now that can not be ignored.  Scripture says this:

 

Revelation 3:15-16 – “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

 

This scripture calls us lukewarm.  That means we can’t or don’t make a choice to take a stand.  We are wishy washy, going with the flow.  We don’t care to do what is right, just to follow the crowd.  God forbid if this is ME!

 

Titus 1:16 – “They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient, and unfit for doing anything good.”

 

I never want to be accused of ‘claiming to know God’ but not living for him.  I want my actions to line up with what I say.  I want to WALK MY TALK.

 

Luke 6:46 - "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?”

 

Isaiah 29:13 – The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught."

 

This might be the scariest of all.  People claim to love the Lord Jesus.  They act the part of being a Christian.  They attend church, sing songs, tell others they will pray for them. They do all the ‘honoring’ stuff, yet in their hearts it is a LIE.  They do not have a heart to LOVE JESUS. They worship they way they have seen done, but do not allow Jesus to be LORD of their lives.

 

Matthew 7:21-23

²¹ Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

²² Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?

²³ And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

As this last scripture tells us, we need to KNOW God.  We need to know his heart and we learn that in his word. We need to live by his values.  We can not be his but live by the values of the world. 

Matthew 6:24 “"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” 

While this verse says ‘money’ it can be applied to anything of this world.  You will choose your master, but you will not have two.  You cannot be ‘double minded’.

James 1:8 “Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.”

I’ll finish tonight with the verse out of Joshua 24:15b “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

 

Thank you for showing up each night to read how our family is doing. To hear how we are living our lives to serve the Lord. To know how to pray for us.  You are literally sharing this burden of grief with us and for that we are so grateful.  I feel so many of you are friends now.  I look for your name and comments.  I notice your profile pictures.  I enjoy hearing about your families.  Blessings to each of you. <3

Even a child...

 

 Today was a good day to just stay HOME.  We had a slow morning, doing our household chores, then some school, and a long Lego building time. After lunch we finished up with school, then I was able to grab a quick nap.  Finally, in the late afternoon I was able to work on my current project.  I am trying daily to get our digital photos sorted into files from the last 3 years.  I have worried that with so many photos on phones that we may lose precious memories of Millie if a phone gets lost or broken.  I’ve struggled to convince the others in our house to take the time to share their pictures.  I don’t know if it is because sorting them right now is too painful or if they just don’t want to take the time, but either way it has been somewhat of a frustration.  I am searching for videos of Millie as a baby. We did a good job of taking videos and photos the year of her cancer treatments, but not as good before that.  I don’t only want to remember her as a child with cancer. I want to tell the bigger story of her life.  Our life stories… our testimonies are very important. 

Proverbs 22:1 – “A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, loving favor rather than silver and gold.”

This verse reminds us how important our name or testimony is.  It is of the greatest value. It is literally how people view us.  During homeschool today, Little Man, SJ, and I talked about being known by their deeds.  We discussed how if a person always does something like lying, they become known as a liar.

Proverbs 20:11 “Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.”

It’s interesting to note this verse says, “even a child”.  Isn’t that true?  Some children are known because they whine a lot.  Others are known for being sneaky or lying. Still others have a reputation of being bratty.  We have all had that instance where we know a certain child is coming to visit and his reputation precedes him. Of course, this holds true for adults too.  Do we avoid the woman we know as a ‘gossip’? Or the man who is a ‘hot head’? Maybe we roll our eyes when the neighbor shows up to ‘borrow’ another too?  Our doings do give us a name…  I want my name to be one of Jesus follower.

 

A parallel thought is that sometimes the ‘doing’ we are known by is not really who we are.  We are going through something that is causing our behavior to be different.  In early 2019, our sweet Millie became our ‘not so sweet’ whiny, clingy child.  Many times, I heard “She’s acting like a brat.  All she does is cry”. It was true!  She was hard to be around because she was so unhappy.  However, in June 2019, we found out she was fighting cancer. Our sweet girl had been feeling sick all those months and we couldn’t see it.  Yes, we knew she was sick… a little sniffle, a fever here and there.  Three doctors’ appointments for the sickness, but never any deeper indication of cancer.  This is an instance where you want to kick yourself.  You want to ask WHY didn’t I see the bigger picture? Because we just don’t.  We are human, we make mistakes. We need grace for others, but also for ourselves.

I’ll leave you with the thought “What are you known for?” and “Who do you need to have grace on?”

Joy comes in the morning

 

Today has been a full, busy day. As I drove into the city this morning, I was listening to a new podcast featuring families that have children gone on to heaven.  I can’t say “lost” for Millie is not lost.  I know right where she is.  She is where I long to go, after my days are complete here.  On the podcast today they brought up the point that happiness and joy are two different things.  Some parents feel they can never be happy again, that joy will allude them forever.  I think we have to understand the difference between happiness and joy.

It has been said that happiness is fleeting.  It comes and goes depending on how you feel.  You can be happy or sad easily in a short time. This is so true for me.  I can think “This is a really good day”, yet a few moments later my eyes well with tears and memories flood my mind.  My heart breaks all over again if only for a moment.  Happiness is very dependent on your circumstances.

Joy on the other hand is something you feel deep in your soul.  Even on days that you are sad, you still have a joy from the Lord. Tears can be rolling down my face, yet I know without a doubt that “Joy comes in the morning” Proverbs 30:5b. These are the truths that reverberate in my soul, even when my mind is unsettled.

Rick Warren adds his own definition: “Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.”  YES!  We will praise you LORD.

Today I enjoyed homeschooling the little children, finishing up a fun horse book together.  I then headed to the city to catch Miss M in a volleyball tournament.  I missed her playing but got to enjoy sitting with her while she had lunch.  I had to fast all day so I could take David’s company wellness screening for our insurance discount.  I was one HUNGRY lady!  I also had the opportunity to meet Niki Asher from The Mack Impact.  They are the organization that blessed Millie with the fishing trip.  Niki and I got to visit on and off camera about what joy they brought to our family.  I look forward to seeing what the news reporter puts together about Millie and The Mack Impact. I’ll let you know when it airs and post the link.

Finally, tonight I got the opportunity to have dinner with a dear friend.  Who can pass up a friend and Mexican food?!?  I made it home late and am ready for bed. 

~~Remember Joy comes in the morning

Confident

 

Discipleship is a commonly used term in churches, but often people don’t really know what that means.  As a new Christian, were you discipled?  Were you in contact with someone more grounded in the faith? Did you have close fellowship and encouragement with someone who had a deeper understanding of the Christian walk?

Many people profess Christ, pray a prayer, and then go out the doors of the church not knowing what is next.  Unless they join a small group learning class, they often don’t have an outlet to ask questions. It is my opinion that we do a great disservice to lead others to Christ and leave it there. As I heard in Sunday School today, “Chains are only as strong as the weakest link”.  Our body of believers is made up of people at every stage in this journey.  Our body is only as strong as the weakest believer.  Our churches need to be discipling the new Christians.  We need to be pouring into the weakest link. 

1 Peter 2:2 “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation,”

We might think of that person as being a child or young adult, but honestly Jesus allows us to come to him even in our old age.  As long as there is still breath to repent, he welcomes us.  Should we wait until later in life?  NO, we never know when that last moment will be.  How many people do you know that have said “I believe in Jesus, I will get my life right later”, then later never came?

Proverbs 27:1 “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.”

Starting today, think how you receive your discipling (or growing in the word).  Read scripture, pray daily, watch sermons, read devotional books, attend church, join a small group, and find someone to be accountable with.  This is one reason I enjoy sharing our family’s story each day.  It keeps me accountable to be in the word.  It keeps me seeking God’s face to make sure I’m not sharing something contrary to his will.

 

If you watched the sermon that I shared from our church this morning, you saw Miss A singing her first solo.  We are so proud of her that she would stand bold, singing about her faith. It took great courage to sing not only in front of the church, but also on the live stream.  Her song “Confident” describes her faith in CHRIST.

 

Confident

Steffany Gretzinger

You're always moving in the unseen
The breath You exhale sustaining me
Before I call, You know my need
You're always going before me

I'm confident Your faithfulness will see me through
My soul can rest, my righteousness is found in You
With every moment left, in every borrowed breath, let this be true
That all my heart, for all my life, belongs to You

Your laughter scatters my enemies
You give me joy for my mourning
You lift my head so I can see
All of heaven surrounding me

I'm confident Your faithfulness will see me through
My soul can rest, my righteousness is found in You
With every moment left, in every borrowed breath, let this be true
That all my heart, for all my life, belongs to You

I won't win this battle with the strength in my own hands
You're the mountain-mover and only You can
I won't build my life on sinking sand
You're my hope forever, the rock where I stand
I won't win this battle with the strength in my own hands
You're the mountain-mover and only You can
I won't build my life on sinking sand
You're my hope forever, the rock where I stand!
The rock where I stand!
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

I'm confident Your faithfulness will see me through
My soul can rest, my righteousness is found in You
With every moment left, in every borrowed breath, let this be true
That all my heart, for all my life, belongs to You

Tears in a bottle

 

Each night I try so hard to speak from the heart.  I want to share TRUTH in an easy, relatable way.  I want to share how the Lord is teaching me as I walk this path of grief.  I want to be open, honest, sometimes raw, and always transparent. As I have said before, I want my transparency to point back to Jesus in my life. 

What I do not want to do is cause anyone to think I have it all together.  I stumble along this path of life just like anyone else.  I come to the boulders of pride and anger as readily as the next traveler. I fight the beast of self and battle the temptations laid in the pathway by the deceiver.  I struggle to keep my balance, slide in the mud, fall, and get stuck in the quicksand just as other travelers have.  What I have found though is along this path there are sign that point the right direction.  There are steppingstones through the low spots that keep us safe.  There are fences on the sides of the path that protect us if we stay within there boundaries. There is ONE waiting to hear me call out “Help, I can’t do this on my own”.  There is HOPE. There is a Savior who will meet me where I am, whenever I need him. There is Jesus.

 

Today my path was hard. It was uphill and the battle was not for the faint of heart.  Flesh came calling, tempers flared, hearts hurt. You see ever since I was a small girl, I have struggled with wanting to control my situations.  As a child, my parents divorced long before I can remember. Each remarried, some relationships were good, others not so much.  My momma was my constant.  I knew without a doubt she loved me and would take care of me.  No matter what life took us through, we did it together and we had fun.  We had to move often, living in 29 homes by my 15^th birthday.  My momma was often the sole income provider for our home and often finances were tight.  Things were uncertain in life…

My need to control my surroundings also translates into a stress when I can’t control things.  My stress often shows up in anger.  There is nothing pretty to say about anger. God knew this was an area I needed to work on when he sent me 9 children. Anyone with children knows how difficult it is to control their thoughts, beliefs, and actions.  When you least expect or desire it, they are reminding you they are their own person.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 17:27 Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

 

One of the hardest parts of losing control of my attitude is having to go back and be humble. To ask for forgiveness for getting mad and often yelling.  Although lately my grief stops me from yelling and makes me cry instead.  That is humbling.  You see I have never wanted to cry in front of others. I have no desire to show that lack of self-control, even though it is a good, cleansing release to cry.

God our father knows and sees our heartbreak, especially over death. He wipes our tears away. Oh, to see the day when grief and tears will be no more… the day we enter heaven.

Isaiah 25:8a He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces…  

Revelations 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

As this day progressed, the tears continued to well up in my eyes.  As I drove down a familiar highway today, my van almost exited as if on its own.  For a brief flash of time I was headed to the hospital to see my girl.  Then I gained my senses and drove past the exit onto my life now…. The life where we all gathered tonight for a birthday dinner celebrating Joe.  The life where we sat around that table and acted like life wasn’t forever changed. The life where she isn’t with us.  Please don’t misunderstand, there was great joy around that table.  We enjoyed every moment of our guy, his family, and our other kids, but for this momma’s heart there will always be the slight fragrance of sadness that lightly mists our lives.  The rest of the family went onto an Escape Room to continue the celebration.  I brought Little Man and SJ home to cuddle on the couch and read our book together.  As I sow into my little children each day, I hold to the truth in Psalms 126:5 – “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.”

 

My prayer tonight is one of asking Jesus to be my guide.  To forgive me when my flesh gets in the way, when my attitude stinks, when my heart is angry.  Help me to walk in your ways LORD.

Galatians 5:16 “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

Happy 24th Birthday Joe!

 I have been a mother for over 29 years, but just 8,760 days ago I gave birth to a beautiful, tiny little fellow. My third child, second son, Joseph joined our family. He was our first birth with a midwife. He was a great baby. His bigger siblings loved him so much. I remember Joshua asking if they both could wear their “Oshkosh” overalls because ‘he wants to be like me mom’.

He was a very orderly toddler. He would clean all his toys up early on. As a little boy he followed in his big brother’s footsteps constantly but was not afraid to lead the fun too. They were thick as thieves, always together into some kind of mischief. I remember the day they broke the sliding glass patio door out by throwing glass marbles at it… ‘they were bombs mom’. All boy, they both wore camouflage pants most of their childhood.

He was a very determined preschooler. When he decided to no longer suck his thumb, that was it. He never forgot; he was done! When we would go to Braums for ice cream, he would say ‘can I just have water?’ That is the only time I’ve doubted he was my son, haha!

He loved to work with his daddy on any project. When we bought the farm, he became our official ‘Chicken Herder’. He bought his own chickens and later his own cow, which he eventually built a herd from. He learned to drive a tractor and would cut hay for the neighbor as a teen. He gained a passion for volleyball and played for quite a few years on our homeschool club team, then a traveling club, and now just for fun. He went to Votech and learned to be an Electrician, which he still does for a living.

He gave his life to Jesus as an early teen. He attended Quest, a summer camp that “helps young men reject the myth of adolescence and begin to accept responsibility as men of God”. He loved it and returned the next 4 summers as a leader. That final summer he went home with another leader and good friend John, who just happened to have a lovely older sister. By fall, Joseph and Maitland were engaged… the very same weekend Millie was born… They married the next January. We have been so pleased with his choice for a life partner.

He became a daddy just about 2 years ago when they delivered their precious daughter. Did I say what AWESOME parents they are? I have said from the time he became a big brother “He will be a great dad!” and he is. It makes my heart so happy. His sweet wife is also from a big family and is a natural at being a mommy. Soon, they will add to their family with a son, due around Millie’s 4th birthday. This littlest guy will be a bright JOY in a time where our hearts will be missing her so much.

I’m not trying to brag on him as much as share his life story. He has brought us JOY and we are so grateful he’s our son. We love you Joe! Happy 24th Birthday.

The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son brings grief to his mother. Proverbs 10:1

To carry a burden

 The dictionary defines burden in the verb form simply as a ‘heavy load’.

burden
verb
1. load heavily.

That burden can be physical, emotional, or spiritual. Many different things can cause a burden to be upon you. Getting rid of a burden can vary greatly in difficulty. If it is a physical burden, you simply need to cast it off or lay it down. If it is an emotional burden, you can resolve it through counselling or at least learn techniques to deal with it. However, if the burden is spiritual, it can be Jesus calling you into a relationship with him. If you are already a Christian, he may be burdening your conscience about changes you need to make in your walk.

The Lord Jesus doesn’t want us burdened. In Matthew 11:28 he tells us:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Today he was calling out to specifically to me...”Come” My heart has been burdened all day. It was the first day of school. We tried to do ‘Back to school’ pictures, but lets be realistic, they are usually a hurried mama snapping at her children to just SMILE quickly so we can move on. If I’m wrong on that and there are those of you who make the first day of school a relaxed, happy time, then please give me grace. I’m trying to be real and honest here. The kids wouldn’t smile, I couldn’t get the camera to focus, Little Man wouldn’t listen to instructions AND he kept wanting to wear his black church socks with his sandals…BOYS! By about 8:30, I was rethinking my dedication to homeschooling, just kidding…or maybe not(!) Honestly, I’m glad my dedication doesn’t come from my ‘feelings’, but rather from my convictions.

After a quick breakfast, we started school. Our fun new bible program wouldn’t work…oh yeah, that online program starts Aug 31 instead. Why? I have no idea! Next, I couldn’t find the book I was looking for, but I did find all the fantastic, memory filled read-aloud books from my other kindergarteners. It made me sad. I don’t want to get rid of them, but I won’t have another child in Kindergarten that I know of. It was another reminder that Millie isn’t here. Where there are three school chairs, only two are filled. Where there is picture books, there aren’t many here that want to listen to those anymore.

After completing our work for the day, I gave Little Man and SJ construction paper and stickers. They both chose to make cards for me. SJ stopped frequently during the day to just hug me. We read a grief book together and all talked about Millie. They understand how much this hurts and have so much compassion to our family.

We did a few other things, reading a new chapter book about a Golden Stallion. They loved it and begged for more chapters to be read. Then after lunch, I rewarded them with watching “The Pilgrims Progress” movie that I bought yesterday. During that time, I laid in my bed and wept. As I poured out my heart to the Lord and my tears soaked my pillow, the verse about him bearing our burdens came to my mind. My prayer was “Lord I can’t carry this burden today. Please let me rest and ease my aching heart. I just miss my sweet girl so much.” I miss her quirky faces, her telling me she loves me, even her telling me “I forgive you mom” every time she got into trouble. She wasn’t always joyful, but she filled my heart with JOY and still does every time I think of her. That is how…why…I can be grateful. Her life spent with me was a blessing!

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
~Psalm 73:26

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
~Psalm 4:8

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
~Isaiah 40:29-31

We can TRUST God to restore and renew us. I know my strength comes from him.

Let your light so shine...

 The world often seems like a dark, lonely lately. Almost every news report is either about the evil taking place or some discouraging issue. Very rarely does anyone want to report on the GOOD in life. However, our local news channel 9 decided to run some uplifting stories over the next few weeks. I will be interviewed next week on how The Mack Impact showered Millie with kindness by setting up her fishing trip. I’m excited to share both Millie’s story and bring awareness to this awesome organization.

Another way to bring light to the world is to follow the admonition from Matthew 5:14-16 that says:
14 “Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

This verse doesn’t say let your good works be known, rather let your LIGHT so shine that others will recognize it and GLORIFY GOD because of it. I don’t want anyone praising me for any good I do, rather I want them to see I do it because of Jesus. If we keep it hidden, what’s the point of being a light. A candle placed under a basket gives very little light. A Christian living under worldly morals also gives very little light for Christ.

James 2:18 “But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.”

This is an important verse. Some people believe they can be ‘good enough’ to earn salvation. They believe that if the good they do outweigh the bad, then God will allow them into heaven. This verse is NOT saying that. Our deeds do not save us. What they do is help us to be known as someone who loves Jesus.

Matthew 7:16 “You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles?”

What fruits are you known by? If you are an apple tree, hopefully you are known to grow apples. In the same thought I hope the “fruit” I am known by is the Fruits of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

I hope that as I write you ‘hear’ LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS and SELF-CONTROL in my words. I never want hate, bitterness, unrest, impatience, meanness, evil, untrustworthiness, harshness, or impulsiveness to rule me.

Everything I have written about tonight ends up being a building block of our testimony. We make mistakes, we fail, but if we are humbled these things become the next stepping stone.

As I have walked through this grief, I experience many of these ‘fruits’ and sometimes the opposite too. I do not love the situation, but I can still share love with others. I miss the JOY Millie brought us. We miss her so much! However, we do have a peace about this. It’s a peace that I can’t explain well. It’s a peace that although I would NEVER want to walk this or have anyone else walk this, I do have peace in my spirit. I know God is walking with me…. That peace that passes all understanding became very clear.

Probably the hardest fruit for me to produce right now is patience (forbearance). Grief causes me to have less patience, brings me to tears easier, and makes me realize that little things may not be very important, but they can easily rule (ruin) my attitude if I let them.

Another odd thing about grief that I’ve noticed is it causes me to divide Millie’s life into 3 sections. Before cancer was age newborn to 2 ½ years. During treatment from June 2019 – June 2020. Finally, when we knew the cancer was rapidly taking over, June 2020-July 8, 2020. The day that she opened her eyes in heaven. Sometimes as I think about her, it is hard to make those three time periods seem like the same child.

The younger Millie (first two years) she was so HAPPY. A sweet, chubby cuddler who loved to sing and dance. From 2- 2.5 she was a child that cried A LOT! We often shook our head wondering where our happy girl went. We had ‘that feeling’ that something was wrong…but what??

Then during the year of treatment, she became an older, ‘wiser’ Millie. She told jokes, did big things, and understood more cancer treatments that most adults. She still loved to cuddle (for that I’m thankful) but she quickly outgrew being a baby. We loved having that year with her. We hated having to take her for the treatments but were grateful they allowed her life to be extended and us to “KNOW” her personality better.

Finally, the last 3 weeks when they sent us home to keep her comfortable. She was a different girl. Sick, tired, her belly so huge it was hard to be comfortable. She still loved to snuggle but didn’t have a lot of patience for noise or her siblings. I think it about broke Little Man’s heart when she yelled one day “I can’t play ‘woofie’ with you! I’m sick!!”. He knew that, but he always offered to play with her. He still says, “before Millie got cancer we would play bucking bull rides together”. I wonder if that is what he will remember forever?
So many memories, so much pain, so much JOY. Again, I am thankful for each and every day I got to be her momma. I am thankful for every day she brightened our family.

Whitefoot the black rabbit

 

Right before Millie was diagnosed, we were given 2 rabbits. The kids really loved them. Somewhere a few months into treatment both rabbits got loose. We have 80 acres with lots of predators around. The solid black rabbit was not seen again. However, “White Foot” as SJ named him/her is still around a year later. We can’t pet it, but it comes up and plays in the yard every day. It’s fun to see this beautiful black, mildly tame rabbit so close.

Tonight was date night. We enjoyed a steak dinner together. Daddy even got a hot fudge sundae after. I have been trying to lose the ‘baby’ weight from the last 5 kids....so I passed on dessert.

Tomorrow is our last “free day” before the school year begins and we have it packed with appointment all day. We are still searching out dress code appropriate clothes for the teens. Whew 😅 So much to do!

If you're Alive and Breathing...

 

Sometimes my Joy comes printed on paper, but it leaves me breathless to see it. Today I went and picked up a folder filled with papers. On each paper was my precious girl’s name “Amelia Joy Mount”, her birth date,and her death date. Today, I picked up her death certificates.

I honestly don’t know how holding those papers can leave me breathless with tears rolling down my cheeks, but it did. I stood at 7-11 pumping my gas and crying. Sometimes these waves of grief hit when I least expect it. It’s a hard enemy to battle. It sneaks in and sucker punches me without giving me any time to respond.

An excerpt from the song “Alive and Breathing” helps me refocus.

“Joy still comes in the morning
Hope still walks with the hurting
If you're still alive and breathing
Praise the Lord
Don't stop dancing and dreaming
There's still good news worth repeating
So lift your head and keep singing
Praise the Lord
Let everything, let everything, let everything
Praise the Lord
In the working, in the waiting
Praise the Lord
In the blessing, in the breaking
C'mon praise the Lord
In the dying, the rising
Let it praise the Lord
Let it praise the Lord
Praise the Lord”

Learning the Basics

 

School starts this week and we are trying to diligently get prepared. As traditional homeschoolers, there are things we do each year to get ready. It usually involves assembling the textbooks, cleaning our school area, making sure we have pencils with erasers, and throwing out last years papers. I’m still doing all that for Little Man and SJ as they will start 1st and 3rd grade.

Miss K is taking a few classes at our local homeschool academy. It’s a once a week academy with classes that focus on helping her with transcript classes. She will be doing some vocational work in her chosen career of photography. Finally, she will finish out her summer job that has taught her so many life skills over the last four years of working there. She has learned customer service, how to run a cash register and make change, how to market products. She has done harvesting, sorting, and displaying produce. She unloads huge amounts of watermelons, pumpkins, and more…building up those muscles when they throw a big watermelon to you!

Now on to Miss M and Miss A. For the first time, they will be attending a Christian School. The school is an hour from our home, so logistics of drop off and pick up will be interesting. They are doing volleyball and cheerleading, leading to many practices and game times. We have had to buy school clothes as there is a certain dress code at the school. We also had a huge supply list to fill. That’s all new to us as we scramble around to find the last-minute items. We even had to think about lunch money this year! I know some of you are probably laughing by now, but after homeschooling for 26 years, we feel a little shell shocked.

As we prepare for this school year though, one of the biggest things we are doing is talking to the girls. We are reminding them to have good character. We are asking them to be so cautious not to gossip. We keep talking about avoiding all appearance of evil.

1 Corinthians 15:35 “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

Proverbs 11:13 “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”

Proverbs 20:19 “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”

Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

1 Thessalonians 5:22 “Abstain from all appearance of evil.”

Our walk and our testimony are the most important thing we can share with others. It is easy to “talk it” but takes a lot more effort to “walk it”. We want our lives to reflect Christ within us.

1 Corinthians 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.”

I hope as you prepare your children for school that you are focusing on preparing their hearts, as much as their book-bags and lunches. We have so short of time to train our children. They soon grow up. Those long nights of baby and toddlers quickly gives way to school children and teens. Before you blink marriage and babies are next.
Ephesians 5:16 “Redeeming the time, because the days are evil” simply means to take full use of this time. The world has lots of evil, but NOW is the time to teach you kids to stand firm on the word of God.

Still Trusting

 

Trust is such a small word that has such a huge impact.  We use trust many times a day without thinking about it.  We trust our car will start.  We trust a chair will hold us.  We trust the air we breath will sustain us. We trust certain people in our lives, however there are others we are not so sure about.  We trust God… or do we?

Trust | Definition of Trust by Merriam-Websterwww.merriam-webster.com

1 : firm belief in the character, strength, or truth of someone or something He placed his trust in me.

2 : a person or thing in which confidence is placed.

3 : confident hope I waited in trust of their return.

4 : a property interest held by one person or organization (as a bank) for the benefit of another.

 

Trust in God is often taught at an early age.  It is something people say, “We trust Millie’s in a better place” or “We have to trust that God knows better than we do”.  All these are true, but how often do we live our lives by trust?  How often does your level of trust in God change your whole perspective?

 

<<<What I’m going to share tonight is an area God has called David and I to trust HIM in.  We are not telling you to do the same.  We do not claim to know what area God asks you to trust.  I want to make that abundantly clear.  We are each called to a different walk.  Sometimes that might look similar, but often it will not and that is okay.  We each are called differently.>>>

 

Tonight, you will read some of our life testimony.  David and I married very young and had 3 beautiful children by the age of 22/21. At that time were often told we had our hands full with our children and should consider ‘fixing that’. Our hearts said our family wasn’t done, but it did seem prudent to listen to the wisdom of others.  We already had a large family with 3 children. We scheduled the surgery in September 1998.

 

For the next few years life moved along, the children grew older. We started attending a new church where they valued children to the extent that they often preached about how they were a blessing from the Lord.  One Sunday they had a Mother’s prayer service for any woman who wanted to conceive.  They could come down front and the church would pray over them.  As we sat through this service, our older daughter kept elbowing me and saying “mom, why are you going down there?  Don’t you want another baby?” With a sad heart I kept ‘shushing” her.  I did not go forward to pray for another baby.  I knew barring a miraculous healing, God would not be sending us any more children. 

Psalms 127:3 says “Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.”

 

That service however opened our eyes and heart to the possibility that we had not trusted God to do what he wanted in our lives.  We didn’t know if he would have had us have just 3 children or many more.  We were brought face to face with the fact that we took it in our own hands, destroying what God had made, and choosing to be in ‘control’ of our lives.  We became convinced that our lack of trust in such a HUGE area of life was not where God wanted us to stay.  He was whispering in our hearts “What if?  What if you trusted me in that area?  What would it look like?”  We started praying, first that God would repair the damage we did, but then that he would give us the courage to have a reversal.

 

 Finally, in early 2002, the Lord arranged the details in such a way that there was no doubt who was in control. A surgery that we had priced out over $10,000 was made possible for about $2100, an amount we already had in hand.  We scheduled the surgery for March.  While we would have loved to have another child, that was not our motivation.  We WANTED to allow God to control every aspect of our life.  “Was that scary?”, you might ask.  Absolutely!  Never in our marriage had we not kept control of where we were going in life (or so we thought then).  Because this was about trust, we never went back to confirm if the surgery worked.  We just trusted that God would send what he deemed we needed in our lives.

 

King David said in Psalms 9:10 “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

 

Three months later, we conceived.  I remember in September we were gathered as a family having prayer time when daddy prayed “and bless the new baby growing in mom’s tummy”, the children went wild!  They were so excited!  Our oldest daughter prayed for a little sister. One day in March, almost a year to the day of the reversal, big sister was handed her new sister as soon as she was born.  What a precious moment to greet your sister with such love in your eyes.  We had Miss K at home and so could have the children there as she arrived.  The boys were woken up and they too were enthralled with this tiny sister. 

 

Eighteen months later I conceived another sweet baby.  Miss K and Miss M are just 26 months apart and the best of friends since day one.  However, now I was nervous.  “Lord what if a baby arrives every 2 years?  I might have 8 more (13!) kids by the age of 45”.  It was something to consider.  I do have multiple friends that have a baby every year.  Again, we heard “Can you trust me?”  Our next sweet baby Miss A arrived 30 months later.  In October 2010, I had an early miscarriage but then had SJ the next summer.  SJ arrived with premature lung issues and spent 10 days in the NICU.  Again, “Can you continue to trust me to send who I desire to have in your family?”  Little Man arrived 33 months later in 2014 and was fine for about an hour after birth.  At that time, he went into distress. Once again, we had a baby loaded up by Medflight and transported to Children’s Hospital.  Once again, we were in the same room, with the same nurses, who even remembered us from over 2 year earlier.  He stayed there 19 days, having a spinal tap, strong antibiotics, and all the monitors. With tears in our eyes we wondered “Can we trust you Lord?  How can we keep having babies that are sick? Our hearts can’t take a chance.”   He answered in that still small voice. “Trust me, my child.  I love these children as much as you do”.

 

Finally, Sweet Millie arrived in November 2016.  She came into this world quickly, barely allowing me time to get out of the car and into the delivery room.  She was perfectly healthy! We took her home and had no health issues.  She grew strong, healthy, chubby, and cute for two years.  Then in February 2019 we begin to notice little colds, night sweats, fussiness, all the signs we never knew pointed to childhood cancer. When we walked into Children’s Hospital on June 20, 2019 and were sent up to the 10 floor Oncology department, as the tears started to fall, we knew we still had to trust. 

 

God’s word says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

As you know for a year, we prayed that GOD would give Millie a earthly healing.  We wanted her to be the one to tell these stories, yet we also told him we would trust him no matter the answer.  Did we want to keep Millie?  YES...our hearts ache with missing our girl.  However, as I tell Little Man and SJ, we are not sad for Millie.  She has received the reward that we all hope to obtain.  Rather we are sad for us, left behind to miss her.   Our story makes me think of the Garth Brooks song “The Dance”.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

 

No, I don’t believe in chance, but it’s so true that we could have missed this pain by not having these last 6 children, but we would have missed “the dance”.  Something I would not want to give up!  So many precious memories with all our children.  Thirty years of JOY…  Three years with Amelia JOY – Millie.  Years I’m so thankful for. 

Philippians 1:3-6

³ I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,

⁴ Always in every prayer of mine for you all making request with joy,

⁵ For your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now;

⁶ Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: