Old Chism Farm: Missing her...

You may (or may not!) have noticed that I have been pretty quiet the last two weeks. My heart has had so much on it to say and yet sometimes it seems that I have nothing left to share that has not been said before.

I MISS HER…

I MISS MILLIE…

I remember ever so plainly where I was this time last year.  I was waiting for her to come home from the hospital with daddy.  The children and I were painting the back door as a stain glass window to surprise Millie.  We had placed rocks in their Easter baskets and covered them with a red cloth to represent the blood of Jesus.  When they awoke their baskets contained good things in place of ‘rock hard’ sin.  

I remember her coming up on the porch when she got home and announcing, “I come back mom!”  I was so glad to have her home.  I wish tonight was just another night that I was waiting expectantly for her to ‘come back’.  Heaven becomes oh so much closer as I wait to see her again.  

I remember her grumpy pants that day.  She took her cute little self out to the edge of the patio, sat down with arms crossed and her lip stuck out, and pouted.  She was MAD!  I do not remember what made her mad, but ultimately it was just dealing with the residual effects of the treatments.  She was so cute pouting…she held a special spot in this family even when she was a little toot. 

She has been gone now for 37 weeks…  that is a breath in my lifetime of 46 years, but it also a lifetime in one breath.  Some days I wake up and feel like it just happened, but other days it feels like it has been forever since I have rubbed her soft bald head, felt her chubby little baby hands, or heard her tell me, “I love you mama!”  I have a video of her saying that to me, but I cannot watch it too often.  The pain stabs my heart, and my chest feels like it is being crushed. I wake and think of Millie.  I go through out my day and think of Millie.  I end my day thinking of Millie.  Most are sweet memories of times we were together; some are painful memories of her treatment.  I treasure the days of ‘before cancer’, but I also treasure the days of ‘during cancer’.  I struggle with the days of ‘since death’.

The struggle comes in so many ways.  Relationships that have died since Millie passed, often without an obvious reason.  Changes in our life that cannot be altered, things we wish we could have a do over on.  Trying to be ‘normal’, whatever that really is.  Trying to pretend that we are okay being a family out of diapers, carseats, and temper tantrums. Realizing all the areas we have been blind to since Millie got sick.  So much sadness and uneasiness mixed with joy and expectation.  How can you long for the past and the future at the same time?   It makes my heart feel ready to burst without knowing which emotion might come out at that moment.  

In the middle of all these BIG feelings there is a peace…
Truly the peace that passes all understanding….    
Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus”.
There is no understanding how our hearts can rest in peace in the midst of this great grief.  BUT GOD! 

Tomorrow morning the sun will rise (Lord Willing) and just as it was 2021 years ago, the tomb will still be empty! All because our risen Savior is ALIVE!  “Because he lives”, I truly can face tomorrow.  My heart knows I will see Millie again when I join her in heaven “One bright morning when this life is over.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-10
8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit. 9 We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. 10 These bodies of ours are constantly facing death just as Jesus did; so it is clear to all that it is only the living Christ within who keeps us safe.

Make sure all your “Hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness”  Happy Easter 2021 

Blessings sweet friends…
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
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#MilliesMiracle