Extrovert to Introvert

𝙀𝙭𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙨

𝙄𝙣𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙨

𝘼𝙣𝙭𝙞𝙚𝙩𝙮

If you had known me the first 45 years of my life, you would say I was an extrovert. I loved to go places and meet people. I enjoyed conversations with people of all ages and am not sure I ever met a stranger. Yes… I am that woman you see in the grocery store line making friends with the people in line around me. I talk a lot and probably share way too much in the way of being transparent. I have been okay with that because you do not have to doubt where you stand with me. I am usually blunt and to the point. I have had rough edges that needed to soften, blacks that needed to fade to greys, and words that needed to be more discerning. Some of that comes with age, some with wisdom, and most of it with life experiences.

After telling you I am an extrovert, you might find it odd that I intend to spend the next 45 years of my life as an introvert. No, I do not intend to shun people while I am waiting to check out in stores. I will not stop trying to make new friends. I probably will not stop being transparent with my life. What I will do is be more intentional with how I spend my fellowship time. I used to love large gatherings, but lately I just want to sit with a friend or two over coffee. I enjoyed visiting with people everywhere I went, but now I really want to stay home. I have always been on the lookout for a last-minute play date or event we could go to. Lately, I look forward to reading a good book with the children. Noise never bothered me; remember I have 9 children! Now I long for soft music, peaceful places, soothing things that allow me to rest. I used to invest time talking about frivolous things, now I am more heaven minded. Heaven got a lot closer when my Millie went there.

Are you wondering what brought this huge change? Obviously, some of it is grief. My tolerance level has gotten much lower. Stress builds up faster, tempers flare quicker, feelings of being overwhelmed rush in. I often think to myself why do I feel stressed? Today it hit me… ANXIETY! I needed to go to the store on a Saturday afternoon. As I turned into the parking lot my stomach had knots in it. I felt pressured and confined by this busy, congested parking lot with people walking everywhere. Things were dirty, people not kind. At one point the most horrific music was playing in the electronics department when some teens got the remote, turned it all the way up and found the most offensive song they could blast. I have never seen a store employee climb the shelving so fast to yank the cord out of the wall and knock the tv off the shelf to stop the perversion. In this place there was nothing that measured up to the calm, soothing space that my mind craves.

Why do I let myself get into situations like that? Often it is outside commitments that demand attention. A school project that needed supplies, Christmas gifts that had to be purchased, decorations for an upcoming event all needed to be secured. Each very valid and needed things, yet the anxiety was so high I felt like circling the parking lot and going right back out into the main street with my van headed towards home. I resisted the urge, forcing myself to power through with sheer will. As this day ends, I am exhausted, but my anxiety attack has now subsided. If you suffer from the same issues, you might wonder how I bring things back to focus for myself?

• 𝘗𝘳𝘢𝘺𝘦𝘳

• 𝘚𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩 𝘣𝘺 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘱𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧

• 𝘊𝘢𝘭𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘤

• 𝘍𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘫𝘰𝘺, 𝘴𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘴, 𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘸𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘯 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺

• 𝘚𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘺 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘸 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵

Today, I simply walked through the store, not speaking to anyone.

I did not try to start a conversation, I just tried to focus on calm.

Without thinking about it at the time, I tried to follow the scripture that instructs us on how to handle our anxiety.

Philippians 4:6-8

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

God’s word is real and powerful, with answers to our life problems. He cares about YOU. He cares about your family. He wants you to be filled with his peace as you journey through life.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#ChildhoodCancer

Being Faithful

 We all have hard times in life. We experience different types of hard. For some it may be financial, while others suffer with illness. Some people lose everything in a natural disaster, while others lose their child like we did. Something that helps me see the bigger picture is to study the Christians that have lived before me and what their walks look like even in the face of tragedy. I know we are not to compare our lives, but we can realize that others know sorrow and still serve Jesus. It puts things in perspective for me that If I ever want to think my life is hard, the best place to refute that is probably a missionary biography. Many missionaries have given everything and still continue on with joy.

The children and I are currently reading “Gladys Aylward: The Adventure of a Lifetime” in our history class. If you are not familiar with Gladys, she is a British housemaid who wants to be a missionary to China. She gets dismissed from mission school for poor grades, but though months of hard work earns enough money to take a train through Russia to China. Along the way she encounters a war, imprisonment, attempted kidnapping, thieves, hunger and cold. Gladys had a HARD LIFE!

Once she arrived in China, the person she was meeting was no longer even in the area. She again started on a long trip, by bus and then by mule train up the mountain to a small town that had only ever seen one white woman, whom they called a foreign devil. She eventually finds the missionary she was searching for and spends the next 10 years overcoming prejudice of both being a foreigner and being a woman. The two women started a traveler’s inn. Eventually the older woman dies, leaving Gladys alone again with no one within two days distance that speaks English. Penniless and not sure what to do now, Glady’s is approached by the Mandarin with a job that only a woman can do. He wants her to be the “Official Foot Inspector”. She is to travel throughout the country looking at any girl under the age of 10 to make sure that their feet are not bound, allowing the girls to grow up without the traditional disfigurement common in the Chinese woman. It was considered disgraceful for a man to look at a woman’s or girls’ foot. #BUTGOD opened the door for Gladys to visit every single home in the providence and speak to every woman about Jesus.

𝘿𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩? 𝙂𝙤𝙙 𝙩𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙖 𝙨𝙞𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙙𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙩𝙚 𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙢𝙖𝙞𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙚𝙦𝙪𝙞𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙙 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙖 𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙤𝙛 𝙬𝙤𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙇𝙤𝙧𝙙. 𝙃𝙚 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙫𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙨, 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙪𝙧𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚. 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙚𝙦𝙪𝙞𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙙 𝙛𝙞𝙧𝙨𝙩, 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙖 𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙮 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 #𝙏𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙂𝙤𝙙 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙞𝙛 𝙨𝙝𝙚 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙙 𝙪𝙥.

Use her he did!! She filled many positions, the Prison Riot mediator, social systems director, teacher, adoptive parent of hundreds of orphans, spiritual mentor, inn keeper, foot inspector, hospital medic, and so much more. She, a ‘white devil’ became a close friend and confidant of the Mandarin eventually leading him to the Lord Jesus.

So, you might wonder how this applies to us, just regular people in our little corner of the world? Does God expect us to pack up and head off to be a missionary? Not usually. He does call people to go to other countries, but those people feel his calling so strongly that there is no denying it. The rest of us may not be called to a foreign mission field, but we are called. Some are called to BIG MINISTRIES like preachers and evangelist, others are called to smaller ministries like teachers and mentors. Do you wonder where that leaves you? Every one of us are CALLED to be faithful in our own little corner of the world. Even if you never teach a class, preach a sermon, or sing special music, that is okay. If you simply live a life that honors God in thought, word, and deed, serving others when you see an opportunity, you are fulfilling a calling. People watch and wonder what is different in your life. The challenge comes with DO YOU TELL THEM?

I once went to a certain restaurant every few days to purchase my favorite ice cream flavors. The manager stopped me and asked, “Why are you always smiling?” I floundered…I did not know how to answer…so I stupidly replied, “Because I like Ice Cream!” He laughed but as soon as it left my mouth, I knew I had lost an opportunity to share my faith. It took weeks of gathering up my courage to go back and say, “Remember when you asked why I smile so much? It is because I love the Lord”. I should have been willing to share the first time. It would have been so much easier, but it taught me that I need to always be ready to share my faith.

1 Peter 3:15 “But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asks you (for) a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:”

I had the opportunity this week to share the gospel with someone at my home, on my couch. I simply got my bible, opened to the back cover where I had written the scriptures in the Roman Road. We read through and talked about each of those scriptures. I did not ask the person to pray with me, but I did plant a seed and watered it. Now the Lord will be the gardener, tending his word, growing it and engrafting it. In that I have no doubts…

Positive Reinforsement

 Positive reinforcement, encouraging feedback, and uplifting words are all things that pave the way into a person’s heart. Knowing that a kind word over a harsh criticism is always more acceptable should keep us desiring to be positive in everything we do. People naturally want to be accepted and loved. When encouraged we respond by doing more of the very thing that got us the good response in the first place.

I have been trying to use more positive reinforcement in my schooling with SJ and Little Man. I told them if they got their school going on time in the mornings, I would play a game with them at 11 am. The tried so hard and the very first day we had a few rounds of Dutch Blitz with big sister Katherine joining in. What a blessing to see (1/3 of) my children sitting together and enjoying themselves. Another thing I have tried is to encourage the children in their handwriting studies. Each time they complete their paper well (I do not expert perfect!), I have been giving them a special sticker on their paper. As adults we would not be so encouraged with a special sticker, but there are other incentives that get us moving.

Consider the discount we get on our insurance for good driving or the pot of money we win when we lose the most weight in a challenge. We all have things that motivate us. On the other side though, we all have things that discourage us. Usually it involves harsh words or even a distaining look that are taken as offensive. Sometimes it is the repetitive nagging that we do to our kids and husbands… pick up your shoes… put down the toilet seat… brush your teeth… take the trash out… Day in and day out we repeat those statements until sometimes we feel like we cannot bear to say it again. They think we are nagging; we think we are directing. Scripture compares us to an annoying and constant drip.

Proverbs 27:15 - A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

I recently listened to the abridged version of Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. I have read it in the past, but listening to the audio version let some different points sink in. It stood out to me that people will respond to encouragement much better than instruction. That can be a difficult balance, especially as a parent. It seems if our time is spent in encouraging and modeling life to our children, we do not have to spend near as much time instructing them. They learn by reinforcement, rather than condemnation. This is an area I am weak in. I instruction often, then repeat myself to drive the point in. I am constantly ‘teaching’ with words rather than actions. I want to be better about this. I want to do life along side my children, rather than telling them how to do or not do it.

As for husbands, it really is best to remember we are partners, and he does not need another mother. While we do make decisions together and he listens to my opinions, he does not need me to ‘teach’ him, especially not by passively speaking to the children loud enough that daddy can hear. Next to grief, I believe having successful relationships is the hardest thing to accomplish in life. It takes a lot of humility, lots of forgiveness, being willing to say sorry, and applying the speck and beam scripture frequently.

Matthew 7:3-5

3 “And why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank that is in your own eye? 4 Or how will you say to your brother, ‘Let me pull the speck out of your eye,’ when a log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite! First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

I have been practicing being both a wife and mother over 30 years now and I know there is still so much to learn.

The Hope is in the name of Jesus

 I remember Christmas time last year. Millie looked good and felt pretty good, at least for a sick kid. Sometimes I had a hard time with wanting to take her to the hospital for treatments. Yes, I would have done anything to heal her, but in the weeks at home between treatment she looked and acted ‘healed’. She played hard, lived big, and loved life. It was a false sense of calm as the storm raged just under her skin. Each appointment we would wake up early with our sweet little girl, raring to go to “My Hospital” and see all her friends (the nurses). She seemed so healthy that I often had sorrow that I took her to the hospital just to get sick. All the side effects from the medications, nausea, diarrhea, swelling, lack of appetite, and bone pain were just some of the things we willingly put her through.

In early December, Millie was admitted into the hospital for an immunotherapy treatment. At this point she had only had 1previously and it was rough. Her second one seemed to go much smoother. She was placed into the stem cell unit, an area that is much bigger and easier to stay in when you would be inpatient for any length of time. She liked that they had toys in there to use, a Little Tykes car, trampoline, and the music therapy lady Katy who came by and brought a bag of instruments. Millie enjoyed being in that area and honestly so did we with the queen-sized beds available for the parents.

After being there a day or two I distinctly remember having a conversation with the Stem Cell doctor that Millie saw a few times as we were harvesting her cells. His office was in that area and he knew Millie both as his patient, but also with the view of a little girl growing up in a hospital. On this December morning I asked him an important question. I said, “Millie never seems to get better, nor does she get worse. Are these children able to just continue on as is, receiving treatment but not improving?” His answer that day was one that chilled me and proved to be so true. He answered, “In my experience they do not. If they are not responding, the cancer will eventually explode and grow rapidly.” In the coming months I would have a bird’s eye view of how very accurate that was.

In May, Millie was having random issues that we did not recognize as tumor growth. However, by June there was no denying how quickly the cancer was growing. Her ever expanding girth was so uncomfortable and yet, she still managed to play each day. In July, she took to resting more and by July 6th, our 30th anniversary, we knew the days were drawing close to the end. Just 2 short days later she closed her eyes and met Jesus.

We had known to expect it, yet it came so fast. How cancer can grow so rapidly is beyond me. Sweet Millie’s cancer was stage 4 because it had metastasized but only to one place in her body, her liver. So many children with Neuroblastoma are riddled with cancer. They have a number called a Curie score that measures how many places it is in the body. The score range is 0-30. Millie’s never got higher than a 2. We have friends that are thriving now with scores that started out much, much higher.

Something that amazed me was how a child’s death is so different from an adult. She was not scared, nor did she fight it. Her little conscious was clear with no need to make anything right. I am so grateful that it was peace filled. Many of our children were in the room and SJ recently told me how scary it was to watch Millie die. Not because of the moment, but because it makes her concerned that daddy and I will die too. I reassured her that as far as I know we are not going anywhere any time soon. Thankfully, she knows Jesus and she knows we will all be together again with Millie in heaven someday. That sweet assurance of salvation…

Thinking back to my conversation with the doctor, a cancerous tumor is very similar to sin. It seems that a little sin should be okay. It is not huge and probably does not overtake your life. It is just in that one area of life and you can control that. You know the other areas are alright because you are a ‘good person’. You could probably go on forever keeping that sin covered up, denying it is a problem, and living life… UNTIL it explodes! That is when things get messy. We have become so accustomed to living with the sin that we started to justify it. We then became tolerant of more sin, often without ever realizing it. Now the sin has grown and is affecting every area of your life and you wonder how the roots got to be so deep?

Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

See that little sin is really only leading you one place and that is to DEATH. ((Know I am talking about spiritual death here and not about Millie dying. I need to be clear, she did nothing that caused her death)).

Proverbs 28:13 “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

We think that we can keep that little sin hidden, but scripture assures us that we will not be successful and prosper. Only though confessing and renouncing (turning away) will we be free.

Again, in James 1:14-15 “Instead, each person is tempted by his own desire, being lured and trapped by it. 15 When that desire becomes pregnant, it gives birth to sin; and when that sin grows up, it gives birth to death.”

The sin is leading straight to death. NOTHING GOOD comes from Sin. Not even a little sin is good. It reminds me of the Israelites needing to cleanse their house of leaven (yeast) each year. It was a picture of a little bit of leaven would affect or rise a whole loaf of bread. A little bit of sin will do the same to us. You can not keep the leaven separate and you cannot keep sin from affecting your whole body. As you think on this, rest assured that Christ died for you (ME!) even when we were filled with sin and he knew we could not get rid of it ourselves without him. There is HOPE in the Name of the Lord! JESUS

The little unnoticed reminders of Millie

 I often question the little things in life. The things that often go unnoticed but stand out to me. When Millie passed away, I looked at her bed thinking that’s the bed she passed away in. These are the sheets and blankets she used. We eventually took it down from the corner in our room. Even today though, this is the pillowcase that she slept with. I have not washed her pillowcase yet… I wonder if I ever will?

I find little things that bring her to mind constantly. Some might call them signs that she is still with me, but I think they are signs that she lived a full life here with us. Signs that her life was important and the impact it had on every area of our life. As I was cleaning, I found little handprint smears on our bedroom mirror. Are they her handprints? I have no idea. We have young grandchildren, and they could easily be their handprints. The thought that they might be Millie’s though has kept me from wiping them away. Other small things, like her tippy cups, her yellow emoji toothbrush in with mine, and her travel toothbrush in our suitcase all stand out that she was here.

During school last week, I opened a book to find the corner of a page has been chopped up with scissors, very ‘Millie’ like…was it her? I have a red spot of marker on my kitchen table where she sat, another reminder of her love of markers. In my car cupholder is a small plastic earring from her cancer doll. I also found her miniature markers in the back of the van. I reached into the seat pocket of Daddy’s truck and found a clean Minnie Mouse pull up, waiting for a little girl to have a blowout. So many little reminders of a life filled with love.

I know there will come a time when most of the little unnoticed items will be found. Her shelf in my room is where her important things will be stored. Things that are important to me as I seek to display her short life and how she lived it. No matter what though, my memories will always be filled with her. My heart will always be filled with love for who she was. My arms will always miss hugging and holding her. She will forever be my 3 year old darling.