Receiving a heart of flesh

 I found these words written on a friend’s Go Fund Me page. Simple, yet tragic words written about a sweet little boy who was beginning the fight for his life!

“June 1, 2018 -Today, Chasity & Justin tragically found out that their 17-month-old son, Asher, has leukemia.”

Asher was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia or AML. During his treatment he fought fevers, pain, nausea, face paralysis, and struggling to walk. He had 5 lumbar punctures in first 14 days. By the end of the first month he had endured a bone marrow aspiration, chemo, and a central line placed surgically. Before the first 45 days had ended, he had broken his Broviac and needed a repair. Next, he contacted C-Diff, bacterial infections, and started using a feeding tube. He went into septic shock and moved to the PICU. He endured CT Scans, another round of Bacterial Strep, and by November He was declared “Cancer Free”.

In March of 2020, after more facial paralysis, they discovered a lemon sized brain tumor. After surgery to remove it, he began his battle again. This time he had EKGs, Echocardiogram, eGFR testing kidney function, and an MRI to check spots on brain. He had 12 targeted proton radiation treatments and more chemo. Next, he had an anaphylactic shock reaction to a preservative in one of his infusions. Asher received many treatments for AML, eventually they sent him to Bone Marrow Transplant. This procedure takes your body to the brink of death, killing off everything in hopes of placing new healthy bone marrow in. Once it grafts your body is now filled with ‘New Life’. No longer filled with the old cancer cells, you are reborn healthy!

The Bible talks of a very similar rebirth in John 3:3-6.

“Jesus answered and said to him, ‘Most assuredly I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God … Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.”

Do you realize that without being ‘reborn’ that we have a heart that is not sick with sin and trespasses, it is actually dead? It is stony, cold, and dead… The heart we need is a heart that is made of flesh – ALIVE!

(We are talking of spiritual things, not physical.)

Romans 12:1 “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.”

To be holy and acceptable, our bodies (or lives) must be changed. We will never be saved by being ‘good people’. We will never be saved by being moral people. Salvation comes only through repentance and CHANGE. You can not repent without changing your life.

What you do, shows what you believe? Do you want to take Jesus seriously, living a life committed to HIM? Are you willing to take the scriptures seriously? Is it even possible to do one without the other? No, it is not! Either we live what we say we believe, or we do not really believe it.

Now that might seem harsh, even offensive to some, but the gospel itself is offensive because it confronts what we truly think of ourselves. Either we believe we are sinners in need of Jesus OR we believe we are just fine without any need for change.

Ephesians 4: 17-24 “Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. 18 They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.

<<<<< they do not understand because their hearts are hard (dead stony hard!)

19 They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. 20 But that is not the way you learned Christ!— 21 assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, 22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,

<<<<This is the REPENT part.

23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”

<<<<This is the CHANGE part.

This is my hope for each of you… As you make a decision to follow Christ, you repent, live for him by turning away from the old life, I pray you are RENEWED just like Asher was renewed by the new stem cells. If you have already made that decision, PRAISE God. I’m glad we are part of the family of GOD.

One last note…Fighting cancer is expensive. Millie’s Insurance claims were a mere $750,000 dollars in 2019 (6 months), but in 2020 (6 months) they topped $1,528,000 dollars. Yes, you read right, to treat her for 1 year it costs over $2,250,000 dollars!!! We praise GOD for good insurance. Many of our friends do not have that to fall back on. They experience so many financial needs while in the fight.

To anyone wanting to help the Ladd family financially, there are 3 options: 1) the GoFundMe account at https://www.gofundme.com/justin-chasity-amp-asher-ladd... , 2) mailing a check payable to First Baptist Church with a notation of Ladd Family to PO Box 637, Okarche, OK 73762, or 3) mailing a check payable to Ladd Family Benefit Account to First Bank of Okarche, PO Box 155, Okarche, OK 73762. Thank you to all for continued prayers and support. This wonderful family has been a part of our lives in Okarche for a few years now. They have been a blessing to us in the way they live their lives to honor the Lord. And now, they are exhibiting their faith and trust in the Lord during this difficult time. Continuing to pray for the whole family and trusting in God's plans. #Ashersarmy

Chasity Ladd

Family, Friends, and Fire

 Happy Late Saturday! Today has been full of the mundane…grocery shopping, yard mowing and weed eating 2 acres(!), cleaning and cooking. All this so we could be blessed with friends over for dinner and fellowship tonight.

We had a family of 14 join the 8 of us that were here tonight. After a great filling dinner of hotdogs, hamburgers, chips, beans, and lots of watermelon, we headed outside. We rode the horse, toured the tiny house, rode the 4-wheeler, played on Millie’s playground, and had S'mores over a bonfire. Some of the teens- twenties ‘kids’ came inside for a fast-moving game of Dutch Blitz. If you have never played, it is a card game that involves stacking the cards by number and color faster than anyone else at the table. Throw in 3 decks, 12 people, and no chairs because you stay on your feet for speed. By this time all the little people were either resting or playing Pet Shops. While we parents set out under the stars together and talked.

Large families have the best dynamics. The older kids often help with the littles and adore them too. There is always someone to play (and fuss) with. You learn early to share and appreciate what you get. You do not mind hand-me-downs, shared bedrooms, or lots of noise. Flexibility and running late come hand in hand. The biggest benefit is there are so many more people to LOVE.

Out of everything we did tonight, the one thing we didn’t do is take photos or even have our phones. It was just a night to relax. A night of friends, family, reminiscing about Millie, and fellowship with believers. We were so blessed!

***The pictures tonight are of different bonfires where I am glad I took photos. Millie loved making a bonfire and eating S'mores

We wear GOLD...Together!

 I have shared how Millie was diagnosed and how we left the hospital simply walking by faith, but before our story goes on I have to back up to the elevator ride to the 10th floor oncology department. Hearing they were sending us to see the cancer doctor of course is terrifying. As I stepped into the elevator, I quickly place a call to my friend Christie. I had visited with her during the day before we headed to Urgent Care so she was aware of my fears. As she answered I simply said, “they are sending us upstairs to see a cancer doctor.” She asked who we were seeing and after hearing my answer, quickly assured me that he was a good doctor. You see Christie had walked this same path 4 years earlier. Her son Andy had Leukemia. Millie would be seeing Andy’s doctor.

I hated that my friend had to walk through such a scary, life threatening disease. I hated that she had to see her son endure so many harsh and painful treatments. I hated that she had feared for Andy’s life. I hated the uncertainty and upheaval it placed in her life. However, I loved that when it was time for me to join the club of ‘cancer moms’ she was the one there to welcome me and walk me through it. She called me frequently. She brought meals. She allowed one of her daughters to come be our mother’s helper for months on end. She and her husband came to the hospital to just sit, listen, cry, and share what we were feeling. She even babysat Millie for me at the beginning when I trusted no one who had not lived it, simply so David and I could take a desperately needed date night.

Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

Now Christie has been a dear friend for years. We are in the same homeschool group. Our older children were childhood best friends and often together. We always enjoy each other’s company, but all that pales to when you need a friend who can walk by you offering support born from experience. A mom that can come along side of you and hold your hand. Yes, you have your faith in Christ, but when your faith feels shaken and your heart is weary, an experienced mom can let you know it is going to be alright. Yes, it IS going to be alright… it will never be the same, but we will be okay. I hope that does not come across as callous. I loved Millie more than life. I miss her every day. That will NEVER change. There is never a day when you are separated from your children that you do not think of them…all of them! The simple fact that I write and share her life each day points to how great of a loss it is to us left behind. Nothing fills that hole; we simply learn to function with a hole in our hearts.

I ask Christie if I could share Andy’s story with you and she agreed. The sad thing is I do not know many of the details. I was so caught up in my life that when her life was falling apart, I was just vaguely aware. I might have taken a meal or offered childcare. I did pray for his healing. However, I failed to put my love of Christie and Christ to feet. I failed to be that support that she most assuredly needed.

The part of the story that I most assuredly know is that Andy fought the battle. He WON the victory. While Millie’s bell was rung at the funeral, Andy’s bell was rung in the oncology clinic, PRAISE GOD! An additional praise is not only did he beat Leukemia, but on August 24, 2020 he went for his 5-year appointment. If you make it to your 5-year appointment, it is very unlikely that your cancer will ever return. Andy should go on to live an abundant life!

Now Christie and I have shared over the last 7 weeks a sadness that Millie’s healing was heavenly instead of ringing that small brass bell on the wall of the 10th floor clinic. We have shared the pain and the sorrow of grief. We have shared how Millie has impacted our family and even each of you readers. We have also shared great JOY! We have shared joy that Andy was healed. We have shared an understanding that feelings are not true indicators of our joy. I can be happy or sad on a daily basis, but that is not JOY. My joy comes in knowing without a doubt that Jesus has my little one and I WILL see her again someday. She is HOME! She is SAFE! She is where I hope all my children will be someday (not now of course).

If you know a kid with cancer, you know a family with cancer. You see, cancer affects everyone that loves that child. It can destroy the family as much as it can destroy the child. It steals time, routines, health, money, peace, freedom, and relationships. I want to share with you how you can help these families. Some people mistakenly think cancer parents are out to profit from the child’s illness. That is so far from the truth! They would trade anything to see their child healed. Here is what helped us the most. I share in hope that as you come across other families in need you will know how to bless them.

1) Acts of service… bringing groceries, freezer meals, warm dinners, watching kids (if you already have an established relationship with the child), house cleaning, and doing laundry.

2) Gift cards from Walmart, Aldi, Visa, Gas cards, fast food, and Uber eats.

3) Fundraisers… t-shirt sales, bracelet sales, and event fundraisers

4) Paypal and Go fund Me helps to pay utilities as the parents cannot work. Insurance deductibles. Lodging and Travel expenses. In our case they helped with funeral expenses and buying a headstone.

5) Gifts for the child: This can be a touchy subject. Please hear my heart…EVERY gift is appreciated!

o Gifts that come for all the siblings are better than just for the cancer kid. Can you imagine the day that one child became the queen of the house and no one else mattered? The siblings do notice that they are not as important as the ‘sick kid’ and often get left out.

o Gifts that are DISPOSABLE are wonderful! Like painting, play-dough , projects, stickers, anything to keep little hands busy but then go away.

o New clothing because the treatments cause swelling, and things get stained or ruined as they lay in bed playing.

o Hospital things like a wagon, tricycle, thermometer, suitcases, Ipad with games, or digital movies subscription like Disney+.

o Multi piece toys that can be changed many times. Legos, wikki sticks, tinker toys, Lincoln logs, etc.

o Stuffed animals, dolls, and blankets are wonderful, but they also get overwhelming when you receive hundreds. Simply ask the parent if that is a need or want. There might be a favorite that the child wants, and you can meet that need.

6) Gifts for the family: Trips, chances to make memories, a party in a box, or photography sittings.

7) Gift for the parents: gum, hard candy, travel blankets, travel pillow, travel toiletries, snacks, water bottles, drink mixes.

8)One of our readers, a grandmother, added these suggestions to "Gifts for Grandparents": If they have to travel, maybe gas cards, food cards. Something to help with their expenses when they go see their grandchild. Fun night out with the other children.

Is anything above a need? YES! Is most of it a want? Possibly. However, these are the things that brighten a cancer kid’s day. These things make it a little less dreary in the middle of treatment. At this point you realize we no longer have a cancer child. We are NOT asking for anything. I simply want you to know how to best serve others in a time when you feel so helpless and they feel so hopeless.

Until tomorrow….

Today Levy came to visit....

Today was a fun day. Today was normal. Today I watched a ‘cancer kid’ and a ‘cancer sibling’ enjoying life. Today Levy came to visit.

We have not gotten to see Levy since Millie passed away. With us never being at the hospital together and us living over an hour from each other, it is not easy to get together. Today was fun to see Little Man playing with a younger ‘sister’. He was able to do most everything with Levy that he used to do with Millie. He has missed that so much! They played kitchen, had a tea party eating chips and drinking lemonade, and they played pet shops together. The played outside on Millie’s playground. At lunch they even ran and chased each other shrieking around the table. All the things that have been absent from our home the last 7 weeks. Things were normal.

And just as it was normal in some regards, each child recognized it is just not the same with our Millie here. This morning Levy packed an extra ‘Stuffie’ (stuffed animal) to share with Millie. Her mama had to explain that Millie wasn’t here, she now lives in heaven. Little man told me after they left how much he enjoyed playing with them. He said, “The only thing Levy couldn’t do was play woofie with me mom. She didn’t understand that game.”

This is another aspect of Childhood Cancer. It’s knowing your friends die from it. It’s wondering if you will die from it. It’s seeing your sister die from it. It’s knowing that other mamas are your soul sisters, simply because they are other cancer moms. They understand your fears, they cheer on your achievements, they weep with your losses. They are part of a club that they hope no other mother will ever have to join.

There are so many types of childhood cancer. The one I’m most familiar with is Neuroblastoma. As I shared yesterday, I was introduced to it by name years ago when family friends in our church had a sweet son be diagnosed with it. I never dreamed that 12+ years later I would learn firsthand the devastating effects this cancer has on a child’s life.

Neuroblastoma is a tumor-based cancer that forms on the adrenal gland. It is usually present before birth but doesn’t start to grow until sometime later in life. If you get it under the age of 2 your body will often heal itself if I understand correctly. From 2 years and up, this highly aggressive cancer must be fought with every weapon known to the doctors. Chemotherapy, radiation, stem cell transplants, immunotherapy, vaccine therapies, and more. These kids go through so much! If you make it to NED (No Evidence of Disease), you silently hold your breath. You wonder IF, but more so WHEN the relapse will happen. For most NB kids it does happen. Many of the kids I see on the NB Facebook groups have relapsed many times over. Their families continue to rally around them, praying this time they will finally beat this BEAST. The statistics say 2/3 of Neuroblastoma kids will live to 5 years post diagnosis. They will have hearing aids most likely. They will have other organ damage from the harsh treatments. They will have a higher chance of developing another type of cancer caused by all the treatments. I’ve seen another statistic that says ½ of the children survive this disease. Either way those odds are NOT great. This is NOT a cancer you ever want to be diagnosed with.

My momma’s heart says if my child had to be the 1/3 that didn’t survive, then my prayer is “PLEASE GOD heal our friends with this disease. Heal Ady and Ruby, giving them long and healthy lives. Please protect them from the side effects this disease will attack them with.” Please pray over these two girls as they too battle this BEAST. Throw Levy in there too… she is battling Leukemia and we beg for her total healing.

I’m going to share a graphic of a statistic about Neuroblastoma. In this graphic the children that do not survive are grayed out. Let that sink in…. Millie’s life is grayed out. It gut punched me when I came across it awhile back. My girl is now a statistic. She is now the one who ‘didn’t make it’. That’s a hard thing for a mama to say, write, but especially live. Some of you wonder how we live through this? How are we still moving? How do we go on? Two words:

Faith and Gratitude

We have FAITH that God’s word it true. We have FAITH that Millie is with Jesus. We have FAITH that we will see her again. We have FATIH that God has a plan. We have FAITH that God is good even when life is bad. We have FAITH that nothing can separate us from the love of God.**

And

We have GRATITUDE that God gave Millie to us. We have GRATITUDE that he allowed her time to be with us for over 3 years. We have GRATITUDE that we had so much time getting to know her. ***We have GRATITUDE that even in her death, she is still remembered and loved. We have GRATITUDE that through her death we have become aware how fragile life is, how short our time on earth is, and how we want to share JESUS with everyone we know. ****We WANT others to know eternal salvation…

**Romans 8:38-39 “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

***Thessalonians 5:18 “In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

****1 Timothy 2:3-6 “This is good and pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, 4 who wants everyone to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. 5 For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave Himself as a ransom for all—the testimony that was given at just the right time.”

Needing a Miracle

 In February of 2019, our sweet, happy girl Millie became a bear to live with. She cried and whined all the time. We though the terrible twos had arrived! Each evening while I cooked dinner, she would cry and beg for me to hold her. I tried putting her on my hip, but she would demand to be ‘on your front’. As soon as daddy got home she quickly moved to begging him to hold her.

At that time, she still slept in our room. She began talking in her sleep and having restless dreams. She tossed and turned, keeping us up all night. It got so bad we thought ‘well its time to move her to her own room’ and so we did. We dressed her in ‘ducky feet’ jammies. That is what we call the zip up footed sleepers. She would wake up in the morning just drenched in sweat. Her sweet hair was damp and standing out crazy! I couldn’t imagine how I was overdressing her in the middle of winter.

She started to run all her baby fat off. Her arms and legs were really beginning to look thin. She was a picky eater but seemed to eat anything I was eating. She had a few colds from February until May, a little fever, sometimes a snotty nose. Nothing to be concerned with. She had an ear infection, just the regular childhood sickness. I think we saw her doctor three times during that spring.

She became constipated and would complain of a bellyache. We kept trying to treat it and finally decided that she must be impacted (with poop). We headed to urgent care for a second opinion on that Tuesday evening. We got there at closing time and after looking at her, they sent us to the local Emergency Room. Once there, she had an x-ray of her abdomen and it showed she was clearly constipated. They decided to treat that with a suppository hoping to get things flowing. We pointed out a lump beside her bellybutton that we had found that afternoon. We questioned what it was? The ER doctor assured us that in all the belly’s he had looked at over the years, that was nothing to worry about. I begged him to just feel it. When he did, he again said don’t worry about it but her liver being enlarged worries me. He sent off orders for a CBC. They came back that her liver enzymes were off. He said “This could be something big or nothing at all. We are referring you to Children’s Hospital”. We left there with a belly cleaned out and a mind filled with concern.

The next day, Children’s called to schedule us with a Liver Specialist the following day, Thursday. That alone concerned me. The waiting list for the hospital can be weeks out, yet they wanted us the next day. David went to work that morning and I packed a bag for Millie. I felt in my heart that this was serious, and she would be staying there. I don’t really know what I thought she might have, but Leukemia came to mind. It was the childhood cancer I was most familiar with. I only knew the name of one other, Neuroblastoma. I knew that one was rare and scary in my mind. We had a friend whose two-year-old son had passed away over 12 years ago from that.

Arriving at the hospital, we found the liver specialist office. We were promptly taken back. The doctor we saw talked about food allergies, throwing out the idea of her being Celiac. She examined her and didn’t find anything odd. However, as a precaution she sent us for another CBC blood test and an abnormal ultrasound. I called daddy at work expressing that she would NOT be happy about the blood draw and he needed to meet us there. We went on in for the ultrasound. The tech was very though. Although her talk was very light and friendly, her face was very concerned. Looking at the screen I could see white circles that looked out of place. Not knowing what that meant but thinking it was serious, I told her “We live a long way from here. If we need to see a doctor please do not allow us to leave. We will wait.” Daddy came in at this time and we were seated in the waiting room to wait… but for what we did not know.

Finally, they came to say we are taking you up to the 10th floor to the HEM/OC department. I did not even know that the OC part stood for Oncology, nor did I know Oncology meant cancer. I was still blinded to the truth of what having a child with cancer means. We were met by a kind doctor who was charged with the job of telling us “It looks like Amelia (Millie) has cancer.” Now my ears were on high alert. I never heard him say Neuroblastoma. That would have destroyed me. I’m sure he said Wilms cancer…maybe he said that was a possibility? Daddy heard otherwise, but then he didn’t know the seriousness. He had no idea our sweet little friend had died of that very disease.

I’ll leave off here… there is 382 of story after this time. Rest assured that as we left there, we knew not what we faced, but we trusted in GOD the he would be faithful to walk through this with us.

We clung to the verse:

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

We left knowing Millie needed a Miracle…

Go Gold in September

 Today is a special day… “Oh really, you ask. Is it a holiday?” or maybe you think “I can’t remember any special days that fall on September 1.” That’s okay! I am actually thankful you don’t know what September 1 is. That simply means you have not walked in my shoes.

September 1st is not really a holiday. It is not anything I would choose to celebrate. Rather, September 1 marks the 1st day of a month-long remembrance. The month of September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month. Now if I had met you in May of 2019, I too would have had no idea that the yellow ribbon stands for childhood cancer. I would have had no idea that September was set aside to bring awareness. I especially would not have had the slightest idea that funding for childhood hovers around the 4% mark. That means 96% of cancer research funding goes toward finding new drugs for adults. Why is that number so high and childhood cancer research so low? I can only imagine that it is because so many adults get cancer that there is more money in treating them.

Do you believe that our children are our future? Do you believe they are worth more than 4%? Can you believe that Millie and her friends received the same drugs that childhood cancer has been treated with for decades. According to the paper “Approved Cancer Drugs for Children” on the FDA website.

“Since 1980, only 4 drugs have been approved for the first instance for use in children.” - Coalition Against Childhood Cancer

“In the last 20 years, only two new drugs have been approved that were specifically developed to treat children with cancer.” – St. Baldricks

“Over the past 20 years, the FDA has approved about 190 new cancer treatments for adults but only three for children.” USA Today

“Since 1980, fewer than 10 drugs have been developed for use in children with cancer. Only three drugs have been approved for use in children. Only four additional new drugs have been approved for use by both adults and children.” - National Pediatric Cancer Foundation

“15 oncology drugs were approved by the FDA for pediatric use between 1948 and 2003.” – Managed Care

“From 1980 to 2017, only 11 drugs (already approved in adults) have been approved to use in children with cancer” - Coalition Against Childhood Cancer

To someone not in the ‘cancer world’ that might seem disheartening. To a parent watching their baby FIGHT for life, it is devastating!

You have heard me say that I believe that Millie lived the plan God had for her. He did not short her one second of her life. He knew before she was born exactly how many days her life held. However, I do believe the toxic drugs used in the fight did steal the time she had left here. It stole the time she felt well enough to play ‘wolfie’ with Little Man. It stole the time she could play outside on her playground. It made her SICK, all while trying to heal her little body. It made her hair fall out. It made her throw up. It caused her explosive diarrhea and horrible diaper rashes. It caused her hearing to fail. It took her appetite and weakened her body. It potentially could have damaged her other organs or even have caused a secondary type of cancer. These ‘miracle’ drugs need to be updated.

Now what can be done? First GO GOLD for the month. Put a filter around your FB profile showing you support our kids. Support a non-profit that helps these kids out. Organize a fundraiser to benefit the kids. Lobby your congressman for greater funding. Get involved! It doesn’t impact you much… until it does. Once it is your child, your grandchild, your niece or nephew, your neighbor or friend, then it starts to hit close to home. Suddenly everyone you know is fighting cancer. Do you realize most of Millie’s friends were cancer kids? She even thought her nurses had cancer… “or why else would they have been on the 10th floor?”

Did you know that Millie’s first and only date she will ever go on was with a sweet little boy named Ben? #BenBrave was her next-door hospital neighbor and playmate. They went on a doughnut date in the cafeteria together.

Did you know the week before Millie died that she hosted a tea-party with her sweet cancer fighter friend,

The journey of Leavyn Laine - Our Little Braveheart

Levy? To see their sweet bald heads bent over miniature teacups with sugar cubes was to see to friends connecting, while walking through their own fight.

Did you know that Millie prayed every night for her friend Ruby who she never met, yet she understood was a fighter like herself?

Did you know that she enjoyed trying to tempt her sweet friend #Adystrong with doughnuts when she had no appetite, yet so desperately needed to eat?

Did you know that to Millie having cancer was “NORMAL”? That is not how it should be….

……We can do better for the future generation.

An Unwelcome Guest

Grief drops by often as an unwelcome guest. It is met in so many places, times, and in front of many faces. Grief doesn’t care if it makes you uncomfortable. It doesn’t care if you hurt and you’re eyes flood with tears. Grief knows that you will never be able to outrun it. Grief is crafty and you can’t hide from it. Even if you think you might conquer it, the truth is it will gain the upper hand when you least expect it. Grief can cause physical pain, emotional exhaustion, and mental confusion. It will steal your time and energy. It will cause you to ‘think’ you are crazy. It can be so lonely. Grief can do all these things…

Grief can also do something else. Something more important. It can cause you to seek. It can cause you to cry out. It can demand you reach out. Grief can be the catalyst for change in a life. It can cause an understanding of what is truly important. Grief can be Satan’s weapon OR it can be God’s tool. Will the grief you encounter in life be used as an attack to take you out or as a vehicle to move you to a better place in life?

Don’t get me wrong. I KNOW grief HURTS. I’m not downplaying that at all. I encounter it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Some days are very hard. Others have a mist of sadness when I think on the memories of my sweet baby. Each day has the opportunity to use that grief as a pity party or as a turning point. I can sit and drown in it OR move forward with a clearer purpose of the life God has given me. I can be BITTER or BETTER…

Since Millie passed away in July, I have had three different times that a well-meaning person has asked me “how is your daughter?” Each time I have had to answer, “She passed away in July.” Those are hard words to say, especially to someone expecting you to share how well she’s doing now. Often Daddy and I will tell someone before they ask that our sweet girl has passed away after fighting cancer for a year. That may seem odd to always be throwing that into a conversation, but it is a protection from catching us off guard. It allows us time to decide how to process our grief.

It’s also frequent that someone will ask “How are you?” That is a HUGE IMPORTANT question that has no good answer. I want you to know that I appreciate each person that checks on us by asking that. I know it feels so awkward to ask that… because what can we say? Good? No, missing Millie is not good. How I am depends on the moment. It depends on the day. It depends on the circumstances. It depends on the memories we have relived that day. However, have no DOUBTS, we do want to be asked. We do want to know that others care. We do want to talk about Millie. You are not reminding me of what I’m missing. There is not a moment that goes by that I don’t remember. I think it will always be that way. What you are doing is verbalizing that Millie was important to our family, to you, to the LORD. Her life held importance. She was special. She was beautiful. She was funny. She was so loved. So, no matter how awkward it is, always feel good about asking someone about their children. Whether living or not, they are still our babies. We still have joy in their existence.

I’m leaving you with the “love chapter”. Love is so important. Caring for each other. Reaching past being uncomfortable, our differences, our preferences to see each other as children of the same GOD. Offering comfort and compassion to others. LOVING one another…

1 Corinthians 13 “If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Sabbath

 

Being strong all week comes with a price.  Tonight, I’m exhausted. We overslept for church this morning, skirting in just as class started with no breakfast. We intended to go back this evening, but just couldn’t make it.  Being both physically and emotionally tired means Sunday really does need to be a day of REST.  Now I firmly believe that church is important. We try to go as often as possible.  I also believe that God created a sabbath day of rest.  I know the Sabbath was technically sundown Friday until sundown Saturday, but we also know that we are not required to keep Old Testament laws.  Christ tells us that the Sabbath was made to benefit us, not for us to benefit the sabbath.  We can take our sabbath any day of the week.  The point is to slow down, rest, and focus on God.

Mark 2:27 “Then Jesus said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”

 

Someone has drifted off to sleep while waiting for bedtime…I wish it was the children. 😉

I hope your Sunday was filled with Jesus, family, and rest.

As for me and my house

 I have been meditating on complacency tonight, yet when I typed in the definition the dictionary showed another meaning than where my thoughts were headed.

“a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements”

This definition seems to be about being lax or lazy with our own accomplishments.  It focuses on not wanting to try harder or go the extra mile.  I guess that is one look at complacency, but I was thinking more about complacency in my daily walk. Maybe I am thinking of the wrong word here, but when I consider being complacent, I think it is the opposite of caring or taking a stand for important things in life.  If I am complacent with my healthy eating, I tend to feel bad and gain weight.  If I am complacent with my clothing, I tend to look sloppy, wrinkled, and dirty.  Is complacent the right word?

When I go the next step and apply complacency to my actions in the world, it affects not only myself but those around me.  If I am complacent about voting and making my voice heard, then I and other conservative minded people will live under laws that do not honor the direction we feel the country should go. If I am complacent about standing up for things like being pro-life, then laws are made that go against my conscience.  There is a saying that goes “You’ve got to stand for something, or you will fall for anything”.  

We are each given free choice.  I am not telling you that you need to support what I do, but rather to know what you stand for. Do not look the other way when it is time to take a stand.  Too many things are happening in our country and our world right now that can not be ignored.  Scripture says this:

 

Revelation 3:15-16 – “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

 

This scripture calls us lukewarm.  That means we can’t or don’t make a choice to take a stand.  We are wishy washy, going with the flow.  We don’t care to do what is right, just to follow the crowd.  God forbid if this is ME!

 

Titus 1:16 – “They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient, and unfit for doing anything good.”

 

I never want to be accused of ‘claiming to know God’ but not living for him.  I want my actions to line up with what I say.  I want to WALK MY TALK.

 

Luke 6:46 - "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?”

 

Isaiah 29:13 – The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught."

 

This might be the scariest of all.  People claim to love the Lord Jesus.  They act the part of being a Christian.  They attend church, sing songs, tell others they will pray for them. They do all the ‘honoring’ stuff, yet in their hearts it is a LIE.  They do not have a heart to LOVE JESUS. They worship they way they have seen done, but do not allow Jesus to be LORD of their lives.

 

Matthew 7:21-23

²¹ Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

²² Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?

²³ And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

As this last scripture tells us, we need to KNOW God.  We need to know his heart and we learn that in his word. We need to live by his values.  We can not be his but live by the values of the world. 

Matthew 6:24 “"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” 

While this verse says ‘money’ it can be applied to anything of this world.  You will choose your master, but you will not have two.  You cannot be ‘double minded’.

James 1:8 “Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.”

I’ll finish tonight with the verse out of Joshua 24:15b “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

 

Thank you for showing up each night to read how our family is doing. To hear how we are living our lives to serve the Lord. To know how to pray for us.  You are literally sharing this burden of grief with us and for that we are so grateful.  I feel so many of you are friends now.  I look for your name and comments.  I notice your profile pictures.  I enjoy hearing about your families.  Blessings to each of you. <3

Even a child...

 

 Today was a good day to just stay HOME.  We had a slow morning, doing our household chores, then some school, and a long Lego building time. After lunch we finished up with school, then I was able to grab a quick nap.  Finally, in the late afternoon I was able to work on my current project.  I am trying daily to get our digital photos sorted into files from the last 3 years.  I have worried that with so many photos on phones that we may lose precious memories of Millie if a phone gets lost or broken.  I’ve struggled to convince the others in our house to take the time to share their pictures.  I don’t know if it is because sorting them right now is too painful or if they just don’t want to take the time, but either way it has been somewhat of a frustration.  I am searching for videos of Millie as a baby. We did a good job of taking videos and photos the year of her cancer treatments, but not as good before that.  I don’t only want to remember her as a child with cancer. I want to tell the bigger story of her life.  Our life stories… our testimonies are very important. 

Proverbs 22:1 – “A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, loving favor rather than silver and gold.”

This verse reminds us how important our name or testimony is.  It is of the greatest value. It is literally how people view us.  During homeschool today, Little Man, SJ, and I talked about being known by their deeds.  We discussed how if a person always does something like lying, they become known as a liar.

Proverbs 20:11 “Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.”

It’s interesting to note this verse says, “even a child”.  Isn’t that true?  Some children are known because they whine a lot.  Others are known for being sneaky or lying. Still others have a reputation of being bratty.  We have all had that instance where we know a certain child is coming to visit and his reputation precedes him. Of course, this holds true for adults too.  Do we avoid the woman we know as a ‘gossip’? Or the man who is a ‘hot head’? Maybe we roll our eyes when the neighbor shows up to ‘borrow’ another too?  Our doings do give us a name…  I want my name to be one of Jesus follower.

 

A parallel thought is that sometimes the ‘doing’ we are known by is not really who we are.  We are going through something that is causing our behavior to be different.  In early 2019, our sweet Millie became our ‘not so sweet’ whiny, clingy child.  Many times, I heard “She’s acting like a brat.  All she does is cry”. It was true!  She was hard to be around because she was so unhappy.  However, in June 2019, we found out she was fighting cancer. Our sweet girl had been feeling sick all those months and we couldn’t see it.  Yes, we knew she was sick… a little sniffle, a fever here and there.  Three doctors’ appointments for the sickness, but never any deeper indication of cancer.  This is an instance where you want to kick yourself.  You want to ask WHY didn’t I see the bigger picture? Because we just don’t.  We are human, we make mistakes. We need grace for others, but also for ourselves.

I’ll leave you with the thought “What are you known for?” and “Who do you need to have grace on?”

Joy comes in the morning

 

Today has been a full, busy day. As I drove into the city this morning, I was listening to a new podcast featuring families that have children gone on to heaven.  I can’t say “lost” for Millie is not lost.  I know right where she is.  She is where I long to go, after my days are complete here.  On the podcast today they brought up the point that happiness and joy are two different things.  Some parents feel they can never be happy again, that joy will allude them forever.  I think we have to understand the difference between happiness and joy.

It has been said that happiness is fleeting.  It comes and goes depending on how you feel.  You can be happy or sad easily in a short time. This is so true for me.  I can think “This is a really good day”, yet a few moments later my eyes well with tears and memories flood my mind.  My heart breaks all over again if only for a moment.  Happiness is very dependent on your circumstances.

Joy on the other hand is something you feel deep in your soul.  Even on days that you are sad, you still have a joy from the Lord. Tears can be rolling down my face, yet I know without a doubt that “Joy comes in the morning” Proverbs 30:5b. These are the truths that reverberate in my soul, even when my mind is unsettled.

Rick Warren adds his own definition: “Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.”  YES!  We will praise you LORD.

Today I enjoyed homeschooling the little children, finishing up a fun horse book together.  I then headed to the city to catch Miss M in a volleyball tournament.  I missed her playing but got to enjoy sitting with her while she had lunch.  I had to fast all day so I could take David’s company wellness screening for our insurance discount.  I was one HUNGRY lady!  I also had the opportunity to meet Niki Asher from The Mack Impact.  They are the organization that blessed Millie with the fishing trip.  Niki and I got to visit on and off camera about what joy they brought to our family.  I look forward to seeing what the news reporter puts together about Millie and The Mack Impact. I’ll let you know when it airs and post the link.

Finally, tonight I got the opportunity to have dinner with a dear friend.  Who can pass up a friend and Mexican food?!?  I made it home late and am ready for bed. 

~~Remember Joy comes in the morning