Still Trusting

 

Trust is such a small word that has such a huge impact.  We use trust many times a day without thinking about it.  We trust our car will start.  We trust a chair will hold us.  We trust the air we breath will sustain us. We trust certain people in our lives, however there are others we are not so sure about.  We trust God… or do we?

Trust | Definition of Trust by Merriam-Websterwww.merriam-webster.com

1 : firm belief in the character, strength, or truth of someone or something He placed his trust in me.

2 : a person or thing in which confidence is placed.

3 : confident hope I waited in trust of their return.

4 : a property interest held by one person or organization (as a bank) for the benefit of another.

 

Trust in God is often taught at an early age.  It is something people say, “We trust Millie’s in a better place” or “We have to trust that God knows better than we do”.  All these are true, but how often do we live our lives by trust?  How often does your level of trust in God change your whole perspective?

 

<<<What I’m going to share tonight is an area God has called David and I to trust HIM in.  We are not telling you to do the same.  We do not claim to know what area God asks you to trust.  I want to make that abundantly clear.  We are each called to a different walk.  Sometimes that might look similar, but often it will not and that is okay.  We each are called differently.>>>

 

Tonight, you will read some of our life testimony.  David and I married very young and had 3 beautiful children by the age of 22/21. At that time were often told we had our hands full with our children and should consider ‘fixing that’. Our hearts said our family wasn’t done, but it did seem prudent to listen to the wisdom of others.  We already had a large family with 3 children. We scheduled the surgery in September 1998.

 

For the next few years life moved along, the children grew older. We started attending a new church where they valued children to the extent that they often preached about how they were a blessing from the Lord.  One Sunday they had a Mother’s prayer service for any woman who wanted to conceive.  They could come down front and the church would pray over them.  As we sat through this service, our older daughter kept elbowing me and saying “mom, why are you going down there?  Don’t you want another baby?” With a sad heart I kept ‘shushing” her.  I did not go forward to pray for another baby.  I knew barring a miraculous healing, God would not be sending us any more children. 

Psalms 127:3 says “Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.”

 

That service however opened our eyes and heart to the possibility that we had not trusted God to do what he wanted in our lives.  We didn’t know if he would have had us have just 3 children or many more.  We were brought face to face with the fact that we took it in our own hands, destroying what God had made, and choosing to be in ‘control’ of our lives.  We became convinced that our lack of trust in such a HUGE area of life was not where God wanted us to stay.  He was whispering in our hearts “What if?  What if you trusted me in that area?  What would it look like?”  We started praying, first that God would repair the damage we did, but then that he would give us the courage to have a reversal.

 

 Finally, in early 2002, the Lord arranged the details in such a way that there was no doubt who was in control. A surgery that we had priced out over $10,000 was made possible for about $2100, an amount we already had in hand.  We scheduled the surgery for March.  While we would have loved to have another child, that was not our motivation.  We WANTED to allow God to control every aspect of our life.  “Was that scary?”, you might ask.  Absolutely!  Never in our marriage had we not kept control of where we were going in life (or so we thought then).  Because this was about trust, we never went back to confirm if the surgery worked.  We just trusted that God would send what he deemed we needed in our lives.

 

King David said in Psalms 9:10 “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

 

Three months later, we conceived.  I remember in September we were gathered as a family having prayer time when daddy prayed “and bless the new baby growing in mom’s tummy”, the children went wild!  They were so excited!  Our oldest daughter prayed for a little sister. One day in March, almost a year to the day of the reversal, big sister was handed her new sister as soon as she was born.  What a precious moment to greet your sister with such love in your eyes.  We had Miss K at home and so could have the children there as she arrived.  The boys were woken up and they too were enthralled with this tiny sister. 

 

Eighteen months later I conceived another sweet baby.  Miss K and Miss M are just 26 months apart and the best of friends since day one.  However, now I was nervous.  “Lord what if a baby arrives every 2 years?  I might have 8 more (13!) kids by the age of 45”.  It was something to consider.  I do have multiple friends that have a baby every year.  Again, we heard “Can you trust me?”  Our next sweet baby Miss A arrived 30 months later.  In October 2010, I had an early miscarriage but then had SJ the next summer.  SJ arrived with premature lung issues and spent 10 days in the NICU.  Again, “Can you continue to trust me to send who I desire to have in your family?”  Little Man arrived 33 months later in 2014 and was fine for about an hour after birth.  At that time, he went into distress. Once again, we had a baby loaded up by Medflight and transported to Children’s Hospital.  Once again, we were in the same room, with the same nurses, who even remembered us from over 2 year earlier.  He stayed there 19 days, having a spinal tap, strong antibiotics, and all the monitors. With tears in our eyes we wondered “Can we trust you Lord?  How can we keep having babies that are sick? Our hearts can’t take a chance.”   He answered in that still small voice. “Trust me, my child.  I love these children as much as you do”.

 

Finally, Sweet Millie arrived in November 2016.  She came into this world quickly, barely allowing me time to get out of the car and into the delivery room.  She was perfectly healthy! We took her home and had no health issues.  She grew strong, healthy, chubby, and cute for two years.  Then in February 2019 we begin to notice little colds, night sweats, fussiness, all the signs we never knew pointed to childhood cancer. When we walked into Children’s Hospital on June 20, 2019 and were sent up to the 10 floor Oncology department, as the tears started to fall, we knew we still had to trust. 

 

God’s word says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

As you know for a year, we prayed that GOD would give Millie a earthly healing.  We wanted her to be the one to tell these stories, yet we also told him we would trust him no matter the answer.  Did we want to keep Millie?  YES...our hearts ache with missing our girl.  However, as I tell Little Man and SJ, we are not sad for Millie.  She has received the reward that we all hope to obtain.  Rather we are sad for us, left behind to miss her.   Our story makes me think of the Garth Brooks song “The Dance”.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

 

No, I don’t believe in chance, but it’s so true that we could have missed this pain by not having these last 6 children, but we would have missed “the dance”.  Something I would not want to give up!  So many precious memories with all our children.  Thirty years of JOY…  Three years with Amelia JOY – Millie.  Years I’m so thankful for. 

Philippians 1:3-6

³ I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,

⁴ Always in every prayer of mine for you all making request with joy,

⁵ For your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now;

⁶ Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

The Abundance of our Hearts

 My heart is led to share what happened to me today. Not to influence you either way, but to remind us that our words and actions matter.

I was doing my grocery shopping this morning at our local Walmart. Our town has a ‘mask mandate’ as does the store itself have a sign telling everyone to wear their mask as they enter. I have a cloth mask that I do wear to make others comfortable. It is annoying and constantly fogs up my glasses, however by nature I try to be a rule follower. I try to be peaceful unless it directly goes against God’s word. In fact, God commands us in Romans 12:18 to: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” To live peacefully, sometimes I need to respect others wishes.

I purchased a large quantity of groceries. It takes a lot to feed a family our size for any length of time. I often buy 2 or 3 of every item because we use it so quickly. People sometimes make comments and not always nice ones about the contents and quantities in my cart. Frequently people feel the need to tell us that our family is ‘too large’. One man, a few years ago even ventured as far as to say “I’d commit suicide if I had that many kids” all in the checkout. I rarely take my children to Walmart, so he wasn’t commenting on their behavior, just giving his opinion about my decisions.

So back to today. By the time I had place two heaping carts full on the conveyor and then back into the carts, I was HOT, SWEATY, and OUT OF BREATH. I did briefly pull my mask off in the self-checkout, away from everyone else. However, before I walked out of the store I had it back in place. Once I was in the parking lot, I removed it again. Our mask mandate states we can go without it outdoors. I am not afraid that I will catch it in the open blowing wind. As I walked through the parking lot, a woman in her car was yelling out the window at me. I ignored her and proceeded to my vehicle load two baskets worth into the van. Again, hot…hot…hot, it’s over 95 degrees here and humid! As I was working BY MYSELF, she proceeded to drive by again yelling at me about how dangerous I was. Some people feel the need to not only push their own personal fears and opinions, but to also accuse others of things unjustly.

Romans 13:1-2 “Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.”

I hope by now you hear that it is important to me to follow scriptural principles. I was following our local government’s recommendations. I’m pretty sure her harassment however would not be considered following the law. Her behavior did NOT make me want to grab my mask and shove it on. It made me wonder, when as a nation did we become so rude? When did we think hatefulness became acceptable to make others share our beliefs? How will we teach our children manners if we keep going around acting so unkind to each other? We need to prayerfully gain some wisdom, Godly wisdom. Its hard to show love and be hateful at the same time.

“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.” James 3:13

“Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2

Again, I have no desire to influence (or even have you comment) about masks. That is not what this post is about. It’s about gaining wisdom, being polite, and showing love to others.

John 13:35 “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

By the way...each child of mine is a blessing from God that we are grateful for. Even when people say dumb things about my kids, I still am loving. I try to live by GRACE. 

Promises and Procrastination

 Many times we put off until tomorrow what we don't think we have time to do today. It could be a chore or a tasks that we know we need to complete. It could be a prompting to speak to someone or serve them. Or it could be telling your children that you will do that thing....tomorrow. Sometimes we do, but other times we adults forget our simple promise.

I remember when my son was small we would drive past a skate board park each time we headed to town. He always asked to stop and I said we will someday. I had every intention to take him, but I didn't. He soon outgrew his request as little boys do. He was so loving and forgiving that he didn't hold that 'promise' against me. He is soon to be 24 years old now. He's a husband and father. He's a hard worker. I'm a proud mama! However I never pass that park without remembering that I didn't keep my commitment to him. Not intentionally, but I believed there was always tomorrow. Death is not the only thief, time itself quickly seeps away like sand in a hourglass.

Scripture reminds us in James 4:13-15
"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; 14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. 15 Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

Procrastination often leads to regrets. Spending time in my rocking chair with Millie is something I will never regret. For 3,865 days, minus hospital stays, Millie and I could be found in our rocking chair multiple times a day and night. I'm so grateful that even on the morning she passed, some of her last words to me were 'will you rock me?' She found as much comfort in that chair as I did. I miss my daily rocking time. Little man and I rock some, but at 6 he is soon to outgrow it.

Millie's life is a good reminder, just as the skateboard park is, to not procrastinate. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. Yes, life is a vapor, we think our years...20, 50, 80 seem so long. Our life span seems long when we are young, but as older people will attest the years fly by.

My challenge to you is to find the things you have committed to doing, especially with your children and grandchildren, then do them. You will never regret the time spent with them.

💕Praises:
I'm so grateful for my Lazyboy Recliner that we bought for me to rock the babies in. What a comfy place to be...🦋💖

🔹Prayers:
Pray for the churches of America as they adjust to all the changes this spring and summer. Many churches are walking through hard times right now.

Breathless...

 Sometimes it takes my breath away as I look through my photos. There are so many I have never shared yet they hold so many memories of sweet Millie 🦋💖

Found my JOY on a note long ago scribbled in my bible. Reminding me what brings JOY, that I should count the hard times as JOY, and that I should have a JOYFUL attitude as I serve others each day.

Praises:
💕Friend Miller’s test results came back CANCER FREE praise God!

Prayers:
🔹Friend Shyanna is at the ER with a possible port infection. Pray it’s resolved quickly please.

The ebbs and flows of life...

There are some fun and exciting things going on around here, crammed between our moments of tears. We are planning a memory garden for Millie’s playground. A few of you have asked to buy trees and flowering bushes to place in her garden. We had a friend who is a professional landscaper come and help us with the planning. They also intend to help us plant everything as it arrives. We will be purchasing a park bench to place there. We plan to have a sign with her name or Millie’s playground marking it. We will be placing all the wonderful angel statues, garden lights, and memorial stones we have been given out in the garden. We plan to keep with her butterfly theme. We want this to be a place to sit and remember, but also a place of JOY. We want to live LIFE in her garden, while we savor sweet memories of her playing there. There is a beautiful view from the playground of the early morning sunrise. It reminds me that "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Today while I was at the bank, I saw another sign reminding me to have JOY. I am trying to keep my focus of being a JOYFUL mother. Psalms 113:9 He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD. Many of you know me a “Millie’s Momma”, which I am. Today however I was thinking on my motherhood journey. For 30 years I have been a momma to 9 different children. If you had met me anytime prior to June 20, 2019 you would have simply though of me as the “lady in the shoe…who had so many children she didn’t know what to do” 😊 Seriously, at that point I wasn’t Millie’s momma. Most of the time we called her Amelia still. However, once she became sick and received the dreaded diagnosis of neuroblastoma, once we decided to have a prayer page for her, we decided to use her nickname for the page. She had quite a few nicknames, Amy, Millie, Clementine, Mills, Mill-Mill, Millie Moo, and I’m sure others. However big Brother Joseph’s nickname of Millie was what stuck. At that point I became known as “Millie’s momma” to so many.

I was Millie’s momma for 3 years, 7 months and 25 days. That is only 1/10th of my mothering experience. The other 26+ years I’ve been momma to a lot of other people. It reminded me today that as I seek JOY, it needs to focus on what I still have, not one the one gone on before me. I need to be a JOYFUL mother of children. I need to continue on running this race as in 1 Corinthians 9:24 “Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it.” I want to run that race successfully. I do not want my other children to get pushed aside as I walk through grief. Before Millie passes an older child of ours expressed that their greatest fear was that her family would never be the same. Now in some ways that is true, but what she was expressing was that fear that she would lose mom, dad, and all family life in the process. We agreed then we could not let that happen.

Each day I talk to different people and they tell me they read this page but don’t often comment. It is a great blessing to me to know that you care how we are doing. It is wonderful to know there is a body of believers still praying for us. It brings me joy to know that you enjoy hearing about Millie, but also about the rest of us. Thanks for surrounding us in love. 🦋💖🦋

Praises:
💕I'm so blessed by pretty flowering bushes and trees. I'm excited to see what Millie's Playground will look like as we keep working on it.

Prayers:
🔹Pray tonight for the all school children that start back soon in the midst of such chaos. May God give wisdom, protection, and a peace surrounding them.

I Still Believe

 Have you seen the movies "I still believe"? It is the life testimony of Jeremy Camp and his first wife who passed away of cancer shortly after they married.

I Still Believe
Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts

Seem to pour from my heart

I've never felt so torn before

Seems I don't know where to start

But it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain

From every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness

I still believe in Your truth

I still believe in Your holy word

Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind

With promises I still seem to bear

Even when answers slowly unwind

It's my heart I see You prepare

But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain

From every finger tip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness

I still believe in Your truth

I still believe in Your holy word

Even when I don't see, I still believe

The only place I can go is into your arms

Where I throw to you my feeble prayers

In brokenness I can see that this was your will for me

Help me to know Your near

This song often runs through my mind.... "I still believe..."
The last two days have been heavy and emotional. Our hearts miss her so much and the tears come so easily. As a grieving parent, that seems to be the repetitive answer I give to the question "how are you?" You want to be truthful, but you also don't want to be a broken record. My heart can hurt so bad, yet that doesn't change my belief. God is still GOD! He comforts me. I seek him in worship. I cry out in pain. I pray for a sweet balm to allow me to have precious memories with out being brokenhearted.

My scripture today was from Psalms 86: 11-13

Teach me Your way, O LORD;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.
For Your lovingkindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

Sheol is the grave. Death, not physical but spiritual death. God has delivered ME (and you if you are a believer!) from spiritual DEATH by taking our place. He prepares a place for every believer in Heaven. I have a place there. My little girl is there waiting for me. She is in the great cloud of witnesses that surround us. Hebrews 12:1-3 tells us:

1 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

That's our prayer that we not grow weary or lose heart. I pray Millie's Miracle, her life will be one of the "stars that shine brighter than others"🦋💖🌟

"If one's person's life is changed from what I go thorough it will all be worth it."

Praises:
💕I'm grateful to find quality movies that minister to my heart.

Prayers:
🔹Pray for a restful night. We are so tired and still not resting well.
🔹Pray for friend Levy -she's not feeling well on her chemo. Three years old and Chemo should not be in the same sentence.

Love is an adjective, Love is a verb

 Today was the Lord’s day. Our family headed to church, first Sunday School, then the Worship Service. Each ministered to my heart in such a big way.

In Sunday School, we discussed LOVE. Many people when hearing the word love will envision a warm gooey feeling. Blushing cheeks, roses, romance, and red hearts. However, that type of love is simply an adjective. It is describing how we ‘think’ love is. It’s really more of an attraction.
Have you every though how true LOVE is a Verb? It is a decision and choice to be committed to someone, no matter the problems that may arise. It is a commitment to stay together when life gets hard. Sometimes after people lose a child and the stress builds, fighting ensues and sometimes it leads to divorce. Sometimes there is blame involved surrounding the child’s death, but probably the marriages just fade away from not taking the time to invest in each other. Early on in Millie’s illness we had a very real talk that if we were going to lose her, we did not want to lose our other children (their hearts) or our marriage too. We have had to make a conscious CHOICE to still pursue each of those things. Grief is hard to walk through. It’s harder when you have to think of how the others are handling it also. We have a lot of hearts to walk with during this time.

Our text this morning was about LOVE also.
Romans 13:8-14
Love Fulfills the Law
8 Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. 9 The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,”[a] and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law.
It all comes down to LOVE. People say do not judge, just love. Is that possible? Yes and no. Just as Jesus met the woman at the well and told her “go and sin no more”, he loved her (he didn’t stone her as the law commanded) but he did judge by saying to sin no more. Was he mean? No, acknowledging sin and encouraging others to turn from it is never mean. It is a demonstration of LOVE for them and their wellbeing. This is were we can love the sinner and not the sin. It is possible….

Another verse that is well known is the 23 Psalm:
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Verse 4 talks about the valley of the shadow of death. That valley is grief, but the only reason there is a shadow is because there is light above. Look up and see the SON of God. He leads us through this valley. He is with me each step of the way. He is with you also. We have nothing to fear. He comforts us. He restores us. We do not want. Our cup runs over.

I’m thankful for the comforting words and actions of our GOD. May HIS goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our life…

Praises:
💕I’m so grateful for the untold amounts of LOVE that have been given to our family this year. You have served, prayed, shown up, and shared so much with us. Thank you for staying by our side as we continue this journey.

Prayers:
🔹Tonight I heard a special prayer request from a family friend. A young man name Harold was severely burned the last few days while working on his car. Please pray for comfort to him. Pray for restoration of his health. Pray that his doctors have wisdom as they treat him. LOVE him by praying for him.

****Often on Sunday Mornings I share our church service online. If you are looking for a place to worship, consider watching with us. Today we sang the song:
"Surely the Presence of the Lord is in this place"
as our hearts prepared to worship Jesus together. It was beautiful.💖🦋

Raw emotions of grief, tears, and heartache

Tonight’s post has a lot of raw emotion. It is filled with grief, tears, and heartache. It has a lump in our throat and a pit in our stomach. It has been the day that grief showed up multiple times, places, and ways. Today was one month since Mille ran to Jesus.

When Millie left, SJ and Little Man expressed sorrow that they had no pictures or videos of her. The hospital gave them each a wooden bookmark with her picture, hand print, and her name. They cherish them. Many nights I find the kids in bed looking at it before they go to sleep. Many nights they ask for us to show them a “Millie video” once more before bed. It warms my heart that they love her so much and want to continually walk close to pain so they can remember her.

Today I airdropped all my videos from my phone to our iPad so the kids can look at them any time they want. That led to each one sitting and looking through them. By the time they and then I was done, we were pretty emotional. Our beautiful precious Millie is so missed. From her fuzzy head, to her sweet pudgy hand holding mine. Her skin was so soft. Her head so bald with that sweet little red ‘stork kiss’ on the back of her head. Her little ring finger on her right hand that had a brown freckle on it. Her funny laugh, sense of humor, and love for her farm. Watching her play with her brothers and sisters…silly, rowdy, goofy, and joyful. She was a very determined girl, always knowing what she didn’t want, but not always what she did. We talked of so many memories. SJ asked if I thought we would all die from our grief. Daddy and I assured her we didn’t think that would happen but that we understood it could feel that way sometimes. We hold each other and we cry together.

We did grieve but we don’t stay in our grief. We smile through our tears. We find our JOY. We choose to get up and go on.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Thessalonians 4:13-14

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

These verses bring comfort, but the third one is such a deep thought. The underlined part (by me) speaks about how as a Christian our grief is different. Our grief is not a lost hopelessness. We know we will see our loved one again in heaven because of JESUS. Praise the LORD!

Praises:

💕Miss K is our up and coming photographer. She has been running her business for over a year and has had the opportunity to shoot some pretty fun things lately. Its always exciting to see your kids reaching for their dreams and achieving them. All the kids are trying new things lately. Cheer, private school, starting businesses, traveling for work, and so much more. It does give me JOY to watch them.

Prayers:

🔹Today was rough. It reveals how much grief is inside. Pray for each of us that we may use this as a stepping stone toward something good, not a miry pit to wallow and drown in.

Battling Survivor's Guilt

In the last few weeks, I have encountered quite a few people expressing survivors’ guilt.  A sweet friend and I were discussing it today and it made me think it is worth examining our thoughts on surviving a traumatic event.

One definition of survivor’s guilt is:

“a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress experienced

by someone who has survived an incident in which others died.”

 

I do not know if this is how everyone feels when they survive something traumatic.  There are so many different things in life that cause trauma.  Car wrecks, house fires, natural disasters, large scale events like the Oklahoma City Bombing or World Trade Center Towers. There are soldiers in combat, plane crashes, and illnesses.  Sometimes it seems the survivors feel guilty because those that passed on are close family or friends that were in the trauma together.  They may wonder why their lives were spared and the others were not?

 

In our family’s case it is my wonderful, supportive tribe of cancer mamas.  These precious women are in the trenches day in and day out fighting for basic survival of their child.  That child might be diagnosed as a small infant, toddler, elementary age, middle schooler, high schooler, or even young adult.  As you quickly learn on the oncology floor is that cancer is ruthless.  It does not care who it hurts or what their age.  Another thing you learn is there are so many kinds of cancer.  According to the American Cancer Society, “The types of cancers that occur most often in children are different from those seen in adults. The most common cancers of children are:

• Leukemia
• Brain and spinal cord tumors
• Neuroblastoma
• Wilms tumor
• Lymphoma (including both Hodgkin and non-Hodgkin)
• Rhabdomyosarcoma
• Retinoblastoma
• Bone cancer (including osteosarcoma and Ewing sarcoma)”

Now when you consider that each variation of childhood cancer has many different offshoots, it leaves endless possibilities of children on the Oncology floor.  About 700 children a day worldwide will receive a cancer diagnosis. That equals 15,780 children in the United States under the age of 19 that will be diagnosed with cancer this year according to American Childhood Cancer Organization.  

Despite major advances – from an overall survival rate of 10 percent just fifty years ago to nearly 90 percent today, for many rare cancers, the survival rate is much lower. Childhood cancer is not just one disease but made up of 12 major types with over 100 sub-types, so although some types of cancer have a 97% survival rate (Hodgkin Lymphoma) others have a survival rate of less than 1% (DIPG). The number of diagnosed cases annually has continued to increase over the past 20 years.  One in five American Children will not survive a cancer battle. (American Cancer Society)

With that type of odds, it is inevitable that children you meet at the hospital, the ones you play with in the hallways and waiting rooms, could possibly die.  As a mom, you try not to look around and wonder whose child it will be?  Mine? The little girl down the hall?  The baby that cries half the night. The teenage boy that is fighting after relapsing…again.  You simply PRAY.  You pray God will save your child.  You pray your friend’s child will survive.  You wonder how you will break the news that a friend has passed away?  In our case of course, Millie was the one to die.  So how did these mom’s share with their kids?  Some talked to child life and had them help explain it. Some reminded their child that Millie no longer hurts and is with Jesus. A few simply didn’t tell their child because they don’t want them to be sad or scared that it could happen to them.  There is no right way!

On the other hand, how did the mom’s themselves react.  First, they were so incredibly kind to our family.  Serving us, loving us, calling, coming, making things for us to remember her by. Secondly though they expressed ‘survivor’s guilt’. They felt bad that their child is thriving and off treatment, or maybe even still fighting for their life, but still have LIFE.  How do you respond to that?

I assured each mama “No, I am sooo grateful that your child is doing well.”   I would not for one second wish they walked through the death of their precious child. I don’t wish that it was your child instead of mine.  Do I miss my baby?  YES, every day until I meet her in heaven, but I truly believe she fulfilled her days on this earth and God’s plan for her life. That is where I gain my peace in trusting HIM. There can be no survivors guilt if we embrace the idea that God has a plan, purpose, and time for each of us. He himself numbers our days. We must use each day to his glory.  His word says:

All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.(Psalm 139:16)

^{Psalms 90:12} So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.

^{Psalms 37:5a} Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him;

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

We see such a small part of God’s plan.  It’s like looking at the duck swimming peacefully on the pond.  We see his calm body gliding gracefully in the water.  What we don’t see is everything going on under the surface.  The feet rapid paddling, the turtles, and snakes to avoid, the weeds to get tangled in.  The fish that tempt that duck to lose focus. A lot of things go on in the spiritual realm that we will never know about here in the physical.  There are battles being waged, guardian angels protecting us and more.  Some of that sounds strange to new believers, but scripture assures us in  Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

 

So tonight, I am reminded to use each day God gives me to his glory.  I’m encouraged by how many allowed me to pray for them this morning.  It took me about 3 hours to pray over and respond to each of you.  So many needs…so many hearts hurting…we NEED Jesus and each other.  Thanks for showing up here every night to encourage our family. 
Blessings, 

Millie’s Momma

 

Praises:

I’m feeling (more) confident that I can pull it together for this year of homeschooling. What we just walked through makes you feel fuzzy brained and a little lost at times. I’m excited though to start a new year and SJ prayed tonight “thank you God for letting me do school with here safe with mommy”.  I love her sweet sincere heart.

 

Prayers:

Say a prayer over all our favorite nurses on the 10^th floor tonight.  Those men and women see so much.  The love and give and lose and hurt, only to do it all over again with the next child.  They are caregivers, playmates, prayer partners, even ‘parents’ to the children in need.  They are tough and tender at the same time.  I appreciate every single one we encountered.  And I must add our special PICU nurse in there too!

Do you doubt God’s goodness?

Yesterday we talked about hiding God’s word in our hearts to not sin against him.  If you are a Christian you probably know what the term ‘sin’ means.  But what if you are not?  Of course most people associate sin with ‘doing bad things’. We’ve all heard the term “Sin City”…that place people go to do things they wouldn’t usually do back at home?  But really, what is sin?  The dictionary says sin is  

“an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law”

As I was reading my bible this morning I found where I had written “The very first sin came from doubting God’s goodness.”  That is a powerful statement!  Adam and Eve lived in a sin free world.  They had everything.  God walked with them daily. Things were perfect. And then…. Eve was tempted because she believed the lie that God was keeping good things from them.  She DOUBTED God’s goodness.  She tempted Adam to doubt God’s goodness.  Wow the power a woman, even a misguided one, has on her guy.  Just as its said a mother sets the tone for the home, a wife has high influence on her husband.

Do you doubt God’s goodness?  Have you believed a lie?  Do you search for JOY in places other than God? Again, its back to a war with the mind…  Either God is GOOD all the time or you have doubts about his goodness.

I choose to believe God is good all the time and all the time God is good!  

A favorite movie of mine “Facing the Giants” says

 “If we win, we praise Him. And if we lose, we praise Him. Either way we honor Him with our actions and our attitudes. So, I’m askin’ you… What are you living for?”

Grant Taylor (Alex Kendrick)

Today my JOY showed up when the mailman arrived.  A box with a beautiful memorial to Millie arrived.  It is a solar powered sign with her picture, her name and dates on it. Little Man was so impressed.  He said "I've never seen anything like that. It will be amazing" He's always so much fun!

As we sorted more school stuff this morning, SJ burst into tears.  When I asked what she was thinking she responded “I just realized I’ll never get to help Millie with preschool.  It was my turn to help teach”.  I usually let my older kids teach my preschoolers a mini-preschool class.  Alphabet and Numbers, they all have fun doing crafts together.  Most every child has looked forward to helping their ‘buddy’.  This has been a tough thing for all of us to realize our preschool and kindergarten years are done.  I gave all Millie’s school stuff to our grandbaby as her mama plans to homeschool. Its been a sweet balm to know that she will enjoy Millie’s things. 

Praises:

I was grateful that SJ trusted me enough to share her grief and her heart with me.  She is a true treasure at 9. She’s old enough to understand so much, but still have a sweet innocence about her.  Sometimes its so hard to think all the ‘little girl’ in our family ends with her now.  She’s growing so fast.

Prayers:

Pray for the children as they adjust to the little things that bring so much grief out. 

Pray for rest for daddy and I.  Nights are still the hardest.  The quiet, hand in hand with so many months of nighttime care leaves us awake and restless.  Sometimes the tears come, but others we just wrestle our pillows all night long.  

Our mindset is a CHOICE

Our thoughts are so very important. They are difference between Joy or anger, gratefulness or bitterness, truth or a lie. Often what we think on is who we become. All day I’ve been meditating on the verse:
“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” Psalms 119:11

Years ago I understood to hide God’s word in my heart was to memorize it. I remember rotely memorizing verse after verse. However as I’ve gotten older that’s become harder. Now my ‘memory’ work comes in other ways. Scripture songs that I can sing put lots of verses in my mind. Decorating my home in verses. Wearing the tshirts you sent me. Basically surrounding myself with God’s word.

Some may wonder why that matters? Because when faced with a trial or life stressor, what is in your heart will be what comes out of your mouth. For some it will be a curse word or even taking God’s name in vain. For others it will be a complaint or murmuring of heart. For me I want God’s word readily available as my first line of defense. It keeps me fully aware of how not to ‘sin against God’.

I read Psalms 78 this morning. It gave the history of the children of Israel. It told how rebellious they were. I underlined their actions, paraphrased
...they continued to sin (17)
...rebelling against the Most High
....willfully demanding (18)
....spoke against God (19)
....did not believe in God (22)
....<<did not>> trust in his deliverance
....In spite, they kept on sinning (32)
....they did not believe
....flatter him with their mouths(36)
....lying to him with their tongues
....hearts were not loyal to him (37)
....were not faithful to his covenant

God’s actions:
....Yet he was merciful (38)
....he forgave
....he restrained his anger
....he remembered

Again they:
....put God to the test
....rebelled against the Most High
....did not keep his statutes
....they angered him (58)
.... aroused his jealousy

Over and over the Children of Israel acted like spoiled rebellious children. Over and over we too act like rebellious children to our father. I know how that makes me feel as a parent when my children rebel....It helps me understand how God must feel.

So back to my thoughts and them keeping me from sin, each ACTION they did was a thought put into motion. What we believe we live. I have to CHOOSE Joy. I have to decide to not be angry. I must CHOOSE gratefulness. I have to decide I don’t want to be bitter. I have to CHOOSE truth. I can’t believe the lies of the enemy.

To take that one step further, I can choose to be joyful that God left Millie with us a year after her cancer diagnosis. I have decided I can’t be angry she died. I choose to be grateful that God allowed me to be her mommy for 3 years and 7 months. I will not be bitter that we didn’t have 4 years or 40 years. I choose the truth that God is a good loving father. I decide to ignore the whispers of the enemy “if God loves you, he wouldn’t have taken her”. Our mindset is a CHOICE.

Do you surround yourself with God’s word? Do you CHOOSE to hide his word in your heart (and mind)?

Miss A shared these sweet photos off her phone tonight. One benefit of having teens with phones is they love to take photos. I had never seen these and they thrill my heart. The joy on Millie’s face as SJ embraces her....that will be the joy on my face as I embrace her one day in heaven. 🦋💖

Praises:
💕 Daddy is readjusting to his Work schedule.
💕 Ady’s day 2 of Immunotherapy is done.

Prayers:
🔹 We have two weeks left until our school year starts. Pray that all the preparations come together quickly.