Confident

 

Discipleship is a commonly used term in churches, but often people don’t really know what that means.  As a new Christian, were you discipled?  Were you in contact with someone more grounded in the faith? Did you have close fellowship and encouragement with someone who had a deeper understanding of the Christian walk?

Many people profess Christ, pray a prayer, and then go out the doors of the church not knowing what is next.  Unless they join a small group learning class, they often don’t have an outlet to ask questions. It is my opinion that we do a great disservice to lead others to Christ and leave it there. As I heard in Sunday School today, “Chains are only as strong as the weakest link”.  Our body of believers is made up of people at every stage in this journey.  Our body is only as strong as the weakest believer.  Our churches need to be discipling the new Christians.  We need to be pouring into the weakest link. 

1 Peter 2:2 “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation,”

We might think of that person as being a child or young adult, but honestly Jesus allows us to come to him even in our old age.  As long as there is still breath to repent, he welcomes us.  Should we wait until later in life?  NO, we never know when that last moment will be.  How many people do you know that have said “I believe in Jesus, I will get my life right later”, then later never came?

Proverbs 27:1 “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.”

Starting today, think how you receive your discipling (or growing in the word).  Read scripture, pray daily, watch sermons, read devotional books, attend church, join a small group, and find someone to be accountable with.  This is one reason I enjoy sharing our family’s story each day.  It keeps me accountable to be in the word.  It keeps me seeking God’s face to make sure I’m not sharing something contrary to his will.

 

If you watched the sermon that I shared from our church this morning, you saw Miss A singing her first solo.  We are so proud of her that she would stand bold, singing about her faith. It took great courage to sing not only in front of the church, but also on the live stream.  Her song “Confident” describes her faith in CHRIST.

 

Confident

Steffany Gretzinger

You're always moving in the unseen
The breath You exhale sustaining me
Before I call, You know my need
You're always going before me

I'm confident Your faithfulness will see me through
My soul can rest, my righteousness is found in You
With every moment left, in every borrowed breath, let this be true
That all my heart, for all my life, belongs to You

Your laughter scatters my enemies
You give me joy for my mourning
You lift my head so I can see
All of heaven surrounding me

I'm confident Your faithfulness will see me through
My soul can rest, my righteousness is found in You
With every moment left, in every borrowed breath, let this be true
That all my heart, for all my life, belongs to You

I won't win this battle with the strength in my own hands
You're the mountain-mover and only You can
I won't build my life on sinking sand
You're my hope forever, the rock where I stand
I won't win this battle with the strength in my own hands
You're the mountain-mover and only You can
I won't build my life on sinking sand
You're my hope forever, the rock where I stand!
The rock where I stand!
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

I'm confident Your faithfulness will see me through
My soul can rest, my righteousness is found in You
With every moment left, in every borrowed breath, let this be true
That all my heart, for all my life, belongs to You

Tears in a bottle

 

Each night I try so hard to speak from the heart.  I want to share TRUTH in an easy, relatable way.  I want to share how the Lord is teaching me as I walk this path of grief.  I want to be open, honest, sometimes raw, and always transparent. As I have said before, I want my transparency to point back to Jesus in my life. 

What I do not want to do is cause anyone to think I have it all together.  I stumble along this path of life just like anyone else.  I come to the boulders of pride and anger as readily as the next traveler. I fight the beast of self and battle the temptations laid in the pathway by the deceiver.  I struggle to keep my balance, slide in the mud, fall, and get stuck in the quicksand just as other travelers have.  What I have found though is along this path there are sign that point the right direction.  There are steppingstones through the low spots that keep us safe.  There are fences on the sides of the path that protect us if we stay within there boundaries. There is ONE waiting to hear me call out “Help, I can’t do this on my own”.  There is HOPE. There is a Savior who will meet me where I am, whenever I need him. There is Jesus.

 

Today my path was hard. It was uphill and the battle was not for the faint of heart.  Flesh came calling, tempers flared, hearts hurt. You see ever since I was a small girl, I have struggled with wanting to control my situations.  As a child, my parents divorced long before I can remember. Each remarried, some relationships were good, others not so much.  My momma was my constant.  I knew without a doubt she loved me and would take care of me.  No matter what life took us through, we did it together and we had fun.  We had to move often, living in 29 homes by my 15^th birthday.  My momma was often the sole income provider for our home and often finances were tight.  Things were uncertain in life…

My need to control my surroundings also translates into a stress when I can’t control things.  My stress often shows up in anger.  There is nothing pretty to say about anger. God knew this was an area I needed to work on when he sent me 9 children. Anyone with children knows how difficult it is to control their thoughts, beliefs, and actions.  When you least expect or desire it, they are reminding you they are their own person.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 17:27 Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

 

One of the hardest parts of losing control of my attitude is having to go back and be humble. To ask for forgiveness for getting mad and often yelling.  Although lately my grief stops me from yelling and makes me cry instead.  That is humbling.  You see I have never wanted to cry in front of others. I have no desire to show that lack of self-control, even though it is a good, cleansing release to cry.

God our father knows and sees our heartbreak, especially over death. He wipes our tears away. Oh, to see the day when grief and tears will be no more… the day we enter heaven.

Isaiah 25:8a He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces…  

Revelations 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

As this day progressed, the tears continued to well up in my eyes.  As I drove down a familiar highway today, my van almost exited as if on its own.  For a brief flash of time I was headed to the hospital to see my girl.  Then I gained my senses and drove past the exit onto my life now…. The life where we all gathered tonight for a birthday dinner celebrating Joe.  The life where we sat around that table and acted like life wasn’t forever changed. The life where she isn’t with us.  Please don’t misunderstand, there was great joy around that table.  We enjoyed every moment of our guy, his family, and our other kids, but for this momma’s heart there will always be the slight fragrance of sadness that lightly mists our lives.  The rest of the family went onto an Escape Room to continue the celebration.  I brought Little Man and SJ home to cuddle on the couch and read our book together.  As I sow into my little children each day, I hold to the truth in Psalms 126:5 – “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.”

 

My prayer tonight is one of asking Jesus to be my guide.  To forgive me when my flesh gets in the way, when my attitude stinks, when my heart is angry.  Help me to walk in your ways LORD.

Galatians 5:16 “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

Happy 24th Birthday Joe!

 I have been a mother for over 29 years, but just 8,760 days ago I gave birth to a beautiful, tiny little fellow. My third child, second son, Joseph joined our family. He was our first birth with a midwife. He was a great baby. His bigger siblings loved him so much. I remember Joshua asking if they both could wear their “Oshkosh” overalls because ‘he wants to be like me mom’.

He was a very orderly toddler. He would clean all his toys up early on. As a little boy he followed in his big brother’s footsteps constantly but was not afraid to lead the fun too. They were thick as thieves, always together into some kind of mischief. I remember the day they broke the sliding glass patio door out by throwing glass marbles at it… ‘they were bombs mom’. All boy, they both wore camouflage pants most of their childhood.

He was a very determined preschooler. When he decided to no longer suck his thumb, that was it. He never forgot; he was done! When we would go to Braums for ice cream, he would say ‘can I just have water?’ That is the only time I’ve doubted he was my son, haha!

He loved to work with his daddy on any project. When we bought the farm, he became our official ‘Chicken Herder’. He bought his own chickens and later his own cow, which he eventually built a herd from. He learned to drive a tractor and would cut hay for the neighbor as a teen. He gained a passion for volleyball and played for quite a few years on our homeschool club team, then a traveling club, and now just for fun. He went to Votech and learned to be an Electrician, which he still does for a living.

He gave his life to Jesus as an early teen. He attended Quest, a summer camp that “helps young men reject the myth of adolescence and begin to accept responsibility as men of God”. He loved it and returned the next 4 summers as a leader. That final summer he went home with another leader and good friend John, who just happened to have a lovely older sister. By fall, Joseph and Maitland were engaged… the very same weekend Millie was born… They married the next January. We have been so pleased with his choice for a life partner.

He became a daddy just about 2 years ago when they delivered their precious daughter. Did I say what AWESOME parents they are? I have said from the time he became a big brother “He will be a great dad!” and he is. It makes my heart so happy. His sweet wife is also from a big family and is a natural at being a mommy. Soon, they will add to their family with a son, due around Millie’s 4th birthday. This littlest guy will be a bright JOY in a time where our hearts will be missing her so much.

I’m not trying to brag on him as much as share his life story. He has brought us JOY and we are so grateful he’s our son. We love you Joe! Happy 24th Birthday.

The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son brings grief to his mother. Proverbs 10:1

To carry a burden

 The dictionary defines burden in the verb form simply as a ‘heavy load’.

burden
verb
1. load heavily.

That burden can be physical, emotional, or spiritual. Many different things can cause a burden to be upon you. Getting rid of a burden can vary greatly in difficulty. If it is a physical burden, you simply need to cast it off or lay it down. If it is an emotional burden, you can resolve it through counselling or at least learn techniques to deal with it. However, if the burden is spiritual, it can be Jesus calling you into a relationship with him. If you are already a Christian, he may be burdening your conscience about changes you need to make in your walk.

The Lord Jesus doesn’t want us burdened. In Matthew 11:28 he tells us:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Today he was calling out to specifically to me...”Come” My heart has been burdened all day. It was the first day of school. We tried to do ‘Back to school’ pictures, but lets be realistic, they are usually a hurried mama snapping at her children to just SMILE quickly so we can move on. If I’m wrong on that and there are those of you who make the first day of school a relaxed, happy time, then please give me grace. I’m trying to be real and honest here. The kids wouldn’t smile, I couldn’t get the camera to focus, Little Man wouldn’t listen to instructions AND he kept wanting to wear his black church socks with his sandals…BOYS! By about 8:30, I was rethinking my dedication to homeschooling, just kidding…or maybe not(!) Honestly, I’m glad my dedication doesn’t come from my ‘feelings’, but rather from my convictions.

After a quick breakfast, we started school. Our fun new bible program wouldn’t work…oh yeah, that online program starts Aug 31 instead. Why? I have no idea! Next, I couldn’t find the book I was looking for, but I did find all the fantastic, memory filled read-aloud books from my other kindergarteners. It made me sad. I don’t want to get rid of them, but I won’t have another child in Kindergarten that I know of. It was another reminder that Millie isn’t here. Where there are three school chairs, only two are filled. Where there is picture books, there aren’t many here that want to listen to those anymore.

After completing our work for the day, I gave Little Man and SJ construction paper and stickers. They both chose to make cards for me. SJ stopped frequently during the day to just hug me. We read a grief book together and all talked about Millie. They understand how much this hurts and have so much compassion to our family.

We did a few other things, reading a new chapter book about a Golden Stallion. They loved it and begged for more chapters to be read. Then after lunch, I rewarded them with watching “The Pilgrims Progress” movie that I bought yesterday. During that time, I laid in my bed and wept. As I poured out my heart to the Lord and my tears soaked my pillow, the verse about him bearing our burdens came to my mind. My prayer was “Lord I can’t carry this burden today. Please let me rest and ease my aching heart. I just miss my sweet girl so much.” I miss her quirky faces, her telling me she loves me, even her telling me “I forgive you mom” every time she got into trouble. She wasn’t always joyful, but she filled my heart with JOY and still does every time I think of her. That is how…why…I can be grateful. Her life spent with me was a blessing!

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
~Psalm 73:26

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
~Psalm 4:8

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
~Isaiah 40:29-31

We can TRUST God to restore and renew us. I know my strength comes from him.

Let your light so shine...

 The world often seems like a dark, lonely lately. Almost every news report is either about the evil taking place or some discouraging issue. Very rarely does anyone want to report on the GOOD in life. However, our local news channel 9 decided to run some uplifting stories over the next few weeks. I will be interviewed next week on how The Mack Impact showered Millie with kindness by setting up her fishing trip. I’m excited to share both Millie’s story and bring awareness to this awesome organization.

Another way to bring light to the world is to follow the admonition from Matthew 5:14-16 that says:
14 “Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

This verse doesn’t say let your good works be known, rather let your LIGHT so shine that others will recognize it and GLORIFY GOD because of it. I don’t want anyone praising me for any good I do, rather I want them to see I do it because of Jesus. If we keep it hidden, what’s the point of being a light. A candle placed under a basket gives very little light. A Christian living under worldly morals also gives very little light for Christ.

James 2:18 “But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.”

This is an important verse. Some people believe they can be ‘good enough’ to earn salvation. They believe that if the good they do outweigh the bad, then God will allow them into heaven. This verse is NOT saying that. Our deeds do not save us. What they do is help us to be known as someone who loves Jesus.

Matthew 7:16 “You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles?”

What fruits are you known by? If you are an apple tree, hopefully you are known to grow apples. In the same thought I hope the “fruit” I am known by is the Fruits of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

I hope that as I write you ‘hear’ LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS and SELF-CONTROL in my words. I never want hate, bitterness, unrest, impatience, meanness, evil, untrustworthiness, harshness, or impulsiveness to rule me.

Everything I have written about tonight ends up being a building block of our testimony. We make mistakes, we fail, but if we are humbled these things become the next stepping stone.

As I have walked through this grief, I experience many of these ‘fruits’ and sometimes the opposite too. I do not love the situation, but I can still share love with others. I miss the JOY Millie brought us. We miss her so much! However, we do have a peace about this. It’s a peace that I can’t explain well. It’s a peace that although I would NEVER want to walk this or have anyone else walk this, I do have peace in my spirit. I know God is walking with me…. That peace that passes all understanding became very clear.

Probably the hardest fruit for me to produce right now is patience (forbearance). Grief causes me to have less patience, brings me to tears easier, and makes me realize that little things may not be very important, but they can easily rule (ruin) my attitude if I let them.

Another odd thing about grief that I’ve noticed is it causes me to divide Millie’s life into 3 sections. Before cancer was age newborn to 2 ½ years. During treatment from June 2019 – June 2020. Finally, when we knew the cancer was rapidly taking over, June 2020-July 8, 2020. The day that she opened her eyes in heaven. Sometimes as I think about her, it is hard to make those three time periods seem like the same child.

The younger Millie (first two years) she was so HAPPY. A sweet, chubby cuddler who loved to sing and dance. From 2- 2.5 she was a child that cried A LOT! We often shook our head wondering where our happy girl went. We had ‘that feeling’ that something was wrong…but what??

Then during the year of treatment, she became an older, ‘wiser’ Millie. She told jokes, did big things, and understood more cancer treatments that most adults. She still loved to cuddle (for that I’m thankful) but she quickly outgrew being a baby. We loved having that year with her. We hated having to take her for the treatments but were grateful they allowed her life to be extended and us to “KNOW” her personality better.

Finally, the last 3 weeks when they sent us home to keep her comfortable. She was a different girl. Sick, tired, her belly so huge it was hard to be comfortable. She still loved to snuggle but didn’t have a lot of patience for noise or her siblings. I think it about broke Little Man’s heart when she yelled one day “I can’t play ‘woofie’ with you! I’m sick!!”. He knew that, but he always offered to play with her. He still says, “before Millie got cancer we would play bucking bull rides together”. I wonder if that is what he will remember forever?
So many memories, so much pain, so much JOY. Again, I am thankful for each and every day I got to be her momma. I am thankful for every day she brightened our family.

Whitefoot the black rabbit

 

Right before Millie was diagnosed, we were given 2 rabbits. The kids really loved them. Somewhere a few months into treatment both rabbits got loose. We have 80 acres with lots of predators around. The solid black rabbit was not seen again. However, “White Foot” as SJ named him/her is still around a year later. We can’t pet it, but it comes up and plays in the yard every day. It’s fun to see this beautiful black, mildly tame rabbit so close.

Tonight was date night. We enjoyed a steak dinner together. Daddy even got a hot fudge sundae after. I have been trying to lose the ‘baby’ weight from the last 5 kids....so I passed on dessert.

Tomorrow is our last “free day” before the school year begins and we have it packed with appointment all day. We are still searching out dress code appropriate clothes for the teens. Whew 😅 So much to do!

If you're Alive and Breathing...

 

Sometimes my Joy comes printed on paper, but it leaves me breathless to see it. Today I went and picked up a folder filled with papers. On each paper was my precious girl’s name “Amelia Joy Mount”, her birth date,and her death date. Today, I picked up her death certificates.

I honestly don’t know how holding those papers can leave me breathless with tears rolling down my cheeks, but it did. I stood at 7-11 pumping my gas and crying. Sometimes these waves of grief hit when I least expect it. It’s a hard enemy to battle. It sneaks in and sucker punches me without giving me any time to respond.

An excerpt from the song “Alive and Breathing” helps me refocus.

“Joy still comes in the morning
Hope still walks with the hurting
If you're still alive and breathing
Praise the Lord
Don't stop dancing and dreaming
There's still good news worth repeating
So lift your head and keep singing
Praise the Lord
Let everything, let everything, let everything
Praise the Lord
In the working, in the waiting
Praise the Lord
In the blessing, in the breaking
C'mon praise the Lord
In the dying, the rising
Let it praise the Lord
Let it praise the Lord
Praise the Lord”

Learning the Basics

 

School starts this week and we are trying to diligently get prepared. As traditional homeschoolers, there are things we do each year to get ready. It usually involves assembling the textbooks, cleaning our school area, making sure we have pencils with erasers, and throwing out last years papers. I’m still doing all that for Little Man and SJ as they will start 1st and 3rd grade.

Miss K is taking a few classes at our local homeschool academy. It’s a once a week academy with classes that focus on helping her with transcript classes. She will be doing some vocational work in her chosen career of photography. Finally, she will finish out her summer job that has taught her so many life skills over the last four years of working there. She has learned customer service, how to run a cash register and make change, how to market products. She has done harvesting, sorting, and displaying produce. She unloads huge amounts of watermelons, pumpkins, and more…building up those muscles when they throw a big watermelon to you!

Now on to Miss M and Miss A. For the first time, they will be attending a Christian School. The school is an hour from our home, so logistics of drop off and pick up will be interesting. They are doing volleyball and cheerleading, leading to many practices and game times. We have had to buy school clothes as there is a certain dress code at the school. We also had a huge supply list to fill. That’s all new to us as we scramble around to find the last-minute items. We even had to think about lunch money this year! I know some of you are probably laughing by now, but after homeschooling for 26 years, we feel a little shell shocked.

As we prepare for this school year though, one of the biggest things we are doing is talking to the girls. We are reminding them to have good character. We are asking them to be so cautious not to gossip. We keep talking about avoiding all appearance of evil.

1 Corinthians 15:35 “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

Proverbs 11:13 “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”

Proverbs 20:19 “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”

Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

1 Thessalonians 5:22 “Abstain from all appearance of evil.”

Our walk and our testimony are the most important thing we can share with others. It is easy to “talk it” but takes a lot more effort to “walk it”. We want our lives to reflect Christ within us.

1 Corinthians 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.”

I hope as you prepare your children for school that you are focusing on preparing their hearts, as much as their book-bags and lunches. We have so short of time to train our children. They soon grow up. Those long nights of baby and toddlers quickly gives way to school children and teens. Before you blink marriage and babies are next.
Ephesians 5:16 “Redeeming the time, because the days are evil” simply means to take full use of this time. The world has lots of evil, but NOW is the time to teach you kids to stand firm on the word of God.

Still Trusting

 

Trust is such a small word that has such a huge impact.  We use trust many times a day without thinking about it.  We trust our car will start.  We trust a chair will hold us.  We trust the air we breath will sustain us. We trust certain people in our lives, however there are others we are not so sure about.  We trust God… or do we?

Trust | Definition of Trust by Merriam-Websterwww.merriam-webster.com

1 : firm belief in the character, strength, or truth of someone or something He placed his trust in me.

2 : a person or thing in which confidence is placed.

3 : confident hope I waited in trust of their return.

4 : a property interest held by one person or organization (as a bank) for the benefit of another.

 

Trust in God is often taught at an early age.  It is something people say, “We trust Millie’s in a better place” or “We have to trust that God knows better than we do”.  All these are true, but how often do we live our lives by trust?  How often does your level of trust in God change your whole perspective?

 

<<<What I’m going to share tonight is an area God has called David and I to trust HIM in.  We are not telling you to do the same.  We do not claim to know what area God asks you to trust.  I want to make that abundantly clear.  We are each called to a different walk.  Sometimes that might look similar, but often it will not and that is okay.  We each are called differently.>>>

 

Tonight, you will read some of our life testimony.  David and I married very young and had 3 beautiful children by the age of 22/21. At that time were often told we had our hands full with our children and should consider ‘fixing that’. Our hearts said our family wasn’t done, but it did seem prudent to listen to the wisdom of others.  We already had a large family with 3 children. We scheduled the surgery in September 1998.

 

For the next few years life moved along, the children grew older. We started attending a new church where they valued children to the extent that they often preached about how they were a blessing from the Lord.  One Sunday they had a Mother’s prayer service for any woman who wanted to conceive.  They could come down front and the church would pray over them.  As we sat through this service, our older daughter kept elbowing me and saying “mom, why are you going down there?  Don’t you want another baby?” With a sad heart I kept ‘shushing” her.  I did not go forward to pray for another baby.  I knew barring a miraculous healing, God would not be sending us any more children. 

Psalms 127:3 says “Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.”

 

That service however opened our eyes and heart to the possibility that we had not trusted God to do what he wanted in our lives.  We didn’t know if he would have had us have just 3 children or many more.  We were brought face to face with the fact that we took it in our own hands, destroying what God had made, and choosing to be in ‘control’ of our lives.  We became convinced that our lack of trust in such a HUGE area of life was not where God wanted us to stay.  He was whispering in our hearts “What if?  What if you trusted me in that area?  What would it look like?”  We started praying, first that God would repair the damage we did, but then that he would give us the courage to have a reversal.

 

 Finally, in early 2002, the Lord arranged the details in such a way that there was no doubt who was in control. A surgery that we had priced out over $10,000 was made possible for about $2100, an amount we already had in hand.  We scheduled the surgery for March.  While we would have loved to have another child, that was not our motivation.  We WANTED to allow God to control every aspect of our life.  “Was that scary?”, you might ask.  Absolutely!  Never in our marriage had we not kept control of where we were going in life (or so we thought then).  Because this was about trust, we never went back to confirm if the surgery worked.  We just trusted that God would send what he deemed we needed in our lives.

 

King David said in Psalms 9:10 “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

 

Three months later, we conceived.  I remember in September we were gathered as a family having prayer time when daddy prayed “and bless the new baby growing in mom’s tummy”, the children went wild!  They were so excited!  Our oldest daughter prayed for a little sister. One day in March, almost a year to the day of the reversal, big sister was handed her new sister as soon as she was born.  What a precious moment to greet your sister with such love in your eyes.  We had Miss K at home and so could have the children there as she arrived.  The boys were woken up and they too were enthralled with this tiny sister. 

 

Eighteen months later I conceived another sweet baby.  Miss K and Miss M are just 26 months apart and the best of friends since day one.  However, now I was nervous.  “Lord what if a baby arrives every 2 years?  I might have 8 more (13!) kids by the age of 45”.  It was something to consider.  I do have multiple friends that have a baby every year.  Again, we heard “Can you trust me?”  Our next sweet baby Miss A arrived 30 months later.  In October 2010, I had an early miscarriage but then had SJ the next summer.  SJ arrived with premature lung issues and spent 10 days in the NICU.  Again, “Can you continue to trust me to send who I desire to have in your family?”  Little Man arrived 33 months later in 2014 and was fine for about an hour after birth.  At that time, he went into distress. Once again, we had a baby loaded up by Medflight and transported to Children’s Hospital.  Once again, we were in the same room, with the same nurses, who even remembered us from over 2 year earlier.  He stayed there 19 days, having a spinal tap, strong antibiotics, and all the monitors. With tears in our eyes we wondered “Can we trust you Lord?  How can we keep having babies that are sick? Our hearts can’t take a chance.”   He answered in that still small voice. “Trust me, my child.  I love these children as much as you do”.

 

Finally, Sweet Millie arrived in November 2016.  She came into this world quickly, barely allowing me time to get out of the car and into the delivery room.  She was perfectly healthy! We took her home and had no health issues.  She grew strong, healthy, chubby, and cute for two years.  Then in February 2019 we begin to notice little colds, night sweats, fussiness, all the signs we never knew pointed to childhood cancer. When we walked into Children’s Hospital on June 20, 2019 and were sent up to the 10 floor Oncology department, as the tears started to fall, we knew we still had to trust. 

 

God’s word says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

As you know for a year, we prayed that GOD would give Millie a earthly healing.  We wanted her to be the one to tell these stories, yet we also told him we would trust him no matter the answer.  Did we want to keep Millie?  YES...our hearts ache with missing our girl.  However, as I tell Little Man and SJ, we are not sad for Millie.  She has received the reward that we all hope to obtain.  Rather we are sad for us, left behind to miss her.   Our story makes me think of the Garth Brooks song “The Dance”.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

 

No, I don’t believe in chance, but it’s so true that we could have missed this pain by not having these last 6 children, but we would have missed “the dance”.  Something I would not want to give up!  So many precious memories with all our children.  Thirty years of JOY…  Three years with Amelia JOY – Millie.  Years I’m so thankful for. 

Philippians 1:3-6

³ I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,

⁴ Always in every prayer of mine for you all making request with joy,

⁵ For your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now;

⁶ Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

The Abundance of our Hearts

 My heart is led to share what happened to me today. Not to influence you either way, but to remind us that our words and actions matter.

I was doing my grocery shopping this morning at our local Walmart. Our town has a ‘mask mandate’ as does the store itself have a sign telling everyone to wear their mask as they enter. I have a cloth mask that I do wear to make others comfortable. It is annoying and constantly fogs up my glasses, however by nature I try to be a rule follower. I try to be peaceful unless it directly goes against God’s word. In fact, God commands us in Romans 12:18 to: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” To live peacefully, sometimes I need to respect others wishes.

I purchased a large quantity of groceries. It takes a lot to feed a family our size for any length of time. I often buy 2 or 3 of every item because we use it so quickly. People sometimes make comments and not always nice ones about the contents and quantities in my cart. Frequently people feel the need to tell us that our family is ‘too large’. One man, a few years ago even ventured as far as to say “I’d commit suicide if I had that many kids” all in the checkout. I rarely take my children to Walmart, so he wasn’t commenting on their behavior, just giving his opinion about my decisions.

So back to today. By the time I had place two heaping carts full on the conveyor and then back into the carts, I was HOT, SWEATY, and OUT OF BREATH. I did briefly pull my mask off in the self-checkout, away from everyone else. However, before I walked out of the store I had it back in place. Once I was in the parking lot, I removed it again. Our mask mandate states we can go without it outdoors. I am not afraid that I will catch it in the open blowing wind. As I walked through the parking lot, a woman in her car was yelling out the window at me. I ignored her and proceeded to my vehicle load two baskets worth into the van. Again, hot…hot…hot, it’s over 95 degrees here and humid! As I was working BY MYSELF, she proceeded to drive by again yelling at me about how dangerous I was. Some people feel the need to not only push their own personal fears and opinions, but to also accuse others of things unjustly.

Romans 13:1-2 “Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.”

I hope by now you hear that it is important to me to follow scriptural principles. I was following our local government’s recommendations. I’m pretty sure her harassment however would not be considered following the law. Her behavior did NOT make me want to grab my mask and shove it on. It made me wonder, when as a nation did we become so rude? When did we think hatefulness became acceptable to make others share our beliefs? How will we teach our children manners if we keep going around acting so unkind to each other? We need to prayerfully gain some wisdom, Godly wisdom. Its hard to show love and be hateful at the same time.

“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.” James 3:13

“Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2

Again, I have no desire to influence (or even have you comment) about masks. That is not what this post is about. It’s about gaining wisdom, being polite, and showing love to others.

John 13:35 “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

By the way...each child of mine is a blessing from God that we are grateful for. Even when people say dumb things about my kids, I still am loving. I try to live by GRACE. 

Promises and Procrastination

 Many times we put off until tomorrow what we don't think we have time to do today. It could be a chore or a tasks that we know we need to complete. It could be a prompting to speak to someone or serve them. Or it could be telling your children that you will do that thing....tomorrow. Sometimes we do, but other times we adults forget our simple promise.

I remember when my son was small we would drive past a skate board park each time we headed to town. He always asked to stop and I said we will someday. I had every intention to take him, but I didn't. He soon outgrew his request as little boys do. He was so loving and forgiving that he didn't hold that 'promise' against me. He is soon to be 24 years old now. He's a husband and father. He's a hard worker. I'm a proud mama! However I never pass that park without remembering that I didn't keep my commitment to him. Not intentionally, but I believed there was always tomorrow. Death is not the only thief, time itself quickly seeps away like sand in a hourglass.

Scripture reminds us in James 4:13-15
"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; 14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. 15 Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

Procrastination often leads to regrets. Spending time in my rocking chair with Millie is something I will never regret. For 3,865 days, minus hospital stays, Millie and I could be found in our rocking chair multiple times a day and night. I'm so grateful that even on the morning she passed, some of her last words to me were 'will you rock me?' She found as much comfort in that chair as I did. I miss my daily rocking time. Little man and I rock some, but at 6 he is soon to outgrow it.

Millie's life is a good reminder, just as the skateboard park is, to not procrastinate. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. Yes, life is a vapor, we think our years...20, 50, 80 seem so long. Our life span seems long when we are young, but as older people will attest the years fly by.

My challenge to you is to find the things you have committed to doing, especially with your children and grandchildren, then do them. You will never regret the time spent with them.

💕Praises:
I'm so grateful for my Lazyboy Recliner that we bought for me to rock the babies in. What a comfy place to be...🦋💖

🔹Prayers:
Pray for the churches of America as they adjust to all the changes this spring and summer. Many churches are walking through hard times right now.

Breathless...

 Sometimes it takes my breath away as I look through my photos. There are so many I have never shared yet they hold so many memories of sweet Millie 🦋💖

Found my JOY on a note long ago scribbled in my bible. Reminding me what brings JOY, that I should count the hard times as JOY, and that I should have a JOYFUL attitude as I serve others each day.

Praises:
💕Friend Miller’s test results came back CANCER FREE praise God!

Prayers:
🔹Friend Shyanna is at the ER with a possible port infection. Pray it’s resolved quickly please.

The ebbs and flows of life...

There are some fun and exciting things going on around here, crammed between our moments of tears. We are planning a memory garden for Millie’s playground. A few of you have asked to buy trees and flowering bushes to place in her garden. We had a friend who is a professional landscaper come and help us with the planning. They also intend to help us plant everything as it arrives. We will be purchasing a park bench to place there. We plan to have a sign with her name or Millie’s playground marking it. We will be placing all the wonderful angel statues, garden lights, and memorial stones we have been given out in the garden. We plan to keep with her butterfly theme. We want this to be a place to sit and remember, but also a place of JOY. We want to live LIFE in her garden, while we savor sweet memories of her playing there. There is a beautiful view from the playground of the early morning sunrise. It reminds me that "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Today while I was at the bank, I saw another sign reminding me to have JOY. I am trying to keep my focus of being a JOYFUL mother. Psalms 113:9 He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD. Many of you know me a “Millie’s Momma”, which I am. Today however I was thinking on my motherhood journey. For 30 years I have been a momma to 9 different children. If you had met me anytime prior to June 20, 2019 you would have simply though of me as the “lady in the shoe…who had so many children she didn’t know what to do” 😊 Seriously, at that point I wasn’t Millie’s momma. Most of the time we called her Amelia still. However, once she became sick and received the dreaded diagnosis of neuroblastoma, once we decided to have a prayer page for her, we decided to use her nickname for the page. She had quite a few nicknames, Amy, Millie, Clementine, Mills, Mill-Mill, Millie Moo, and I’m sure others. However big Brother Joseph’s nickname of Millie was what stuck. At that point I became known as “Millie’s momma” to so many.

I was Millie’s momma for 3 years, 7 months and 25 days. That is only 1/10th of my mothering experience. The other 26+ years I’ve been momma to a lot of other people. It reminded me today that as I seek JOY, it needs to focus on what I still have, not one the one gone on before me. I need to be a JOYFUL mother of children. I need to continue on running this race as in 1 Corinthians 9:24 “Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it.” I want to run that race successfully. I do not want my other children to get pushed aside as I walk through grief. Before Millie passes an older child of ours expressed that their greatest fear was that her family would never be the same. Now in some ways that is true, but what she was expressing was that fear that she would lose mom, dad, and all family life in the process. We agreed then we could not let that happen.

Each day I talk to different people and they tell me they read this page but don’t often comment. It is a great blessing to me to know that you care how we are doing. It is wonderful to know there is a body of believers still praying for us. It brings me joy to know that you enjoy hearing about Millie, but also about the rest of us. Thanks for surrounding us in love. 🦋💖🦋

Praises:
💕I'm so blessed by pretty flowering bushes and trees. I'm excited to see what Millie's Playground will look like as we keep working on it.

Prayers:
🔹Pray tonight for the all school children that start back soon in the midst of such chaos. May God give wisdom, protection, and a peace surrounding them.