What if....

 The repetitive ‘What If’…

 

So many different times in our lives we follow this thought pattern…

Thoughts that swirl around in our heads, often taunting and accusing us for not trying harder.  Depending on the circumstances it can range from annoying to devastating and often even paralyzing.  In grief the impact is even greater because there is no opportunity to go back and change it.  There is no restoration, no opportunity to try harder or try again.  The finality is just that FINAL.

 

As a parent of a critically ill child we often were reading, researching, listening to other’s opinions, and ultimately trusting that someone knew what was best to help Millie.  When we were told she was terminally ill, the constant grasping at any new idea for healing overtook us.  We were willing to try even more. We were willing to try the unknown and the unproven.  We were chasing anything that offered HOPE of survival. 

 

As she got sicker and sicker, we knew our opportunity for healing was waning.  We knew we had tried.  We knew we had done what we could to find a cure.  We had to resign ourselves that it was okay to let her go peacefully, not continue on forcing her to live a life filled with pain, trauma, and eventually still leading to death.  We were grateful for each moment we had with her and that she was able to pass away in our home surrounded by our family.  Exactly how I would want to die. With my family surrounding me, holding my hand whispering reassuringly of their love.  I can write all of that and yet my eyes fill with tears and my heart aches.  Yes it was a good way, but it was so hard to be in those last moments and even harder to be each day away from that last moment. 

 

About three months after she took her last breath, the what if’s creeped in…

·         What if they would have given her a liver transplant?

·         What if we had gone to Memorial Sloan Kettering?

·         What if we had tried all the non-traditional stuff early on?

·         What if we had caught it earlier? 

·         What if…..

·          

I had to come to grips with this line of thoughts and battle it head on early.  If I let it creep in just a little, I would get swallowed up in self-doubt, misery, and hopelessness.  Every few weeks this ugly monster rears his head again and I go to battle beating him back in place.  According to the armor of God listed in Ephesians 6: 13-17 He knew I would battle, and he gave me instructions on how to do it.

 

13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

 

First I have to have his truth buckled around my waist.  This means literally putting on GOD’s truth…believing it so much that I live it. 

·         The TRUTH was we loved Millie and tried so hard to heal her. 

·         The TRUTH was that GOD loved Millie.

·         The TRUTH is that heaven is where we WANT to be. 

 

We have to wear the breastplate of righteousness.  This is the living for JESUS.  I cannot wear his righteousness and act like the devil.  Someone will call me out.  Someone will accuse me of hypocrisy.  Someone will see my real heart if it is not true.  To wear his righteousness, I have to truly believe and live it. 

 

I have to have my feet fit with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace… what does THAT mean?  It means I will enter into the battle. There is no doubt about that, but will I be READY?  What makes me ready?  The gospel of peace.  God’s instructions and my belief that his ways are right. 

 

I have to take the shield of faith to protect me from flaming arrows of attack.  Not everything that I battle has a reasonable, logical, or even fixable solution…but I can have faith that GOD will use it for good. 

·         Will I like it? Not always, and especially not in the case of losing Millie.

·         Do I have faith that he can use it for good and his glory?  Yes I do…  His word tells me in Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  He did NOT say losing her was good. What he did say is it can work for my good.  Losing Millie has caused me to seek him as never before. 

 

Listed next is the helmet of salvation. This helmet is so important because without it, the other pieces have no use.  If we do not believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved, the how can we have faith and be protected.  Wear his salvation boldly!

Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

 

Finally, the sword is the word of God.  How do you battle any wrong thoughts? 

·         His word… Scripture… the Bible

·         You have to believe it, live it, trust it and then USE it. 

 

The Bible is not just a book of outdated stories.  It is the handbook to this crazy and often frustrating thing called LIFE.  Now that I have shown you how I battle the what if’s about Millie, I will show you what it looks like to me as I walk it out…

 

·         I boldly proclaim that God loved Millie!  He loves us!  We could not add one moment to Millie’s life.  She lived the life that was ordained for her to live.  She was not, nor were we shorted in her passing.  She lived a full and abundant life, just shorter than we expected (or hoped!).  James 4:14 “Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring—what your life will be! For you are like vapor that appears for a little while, then vanishes.”

 

Could I have done something to change her ordained life? 

 

Luke 12::25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

 

Job 14:5 You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer.

 

I believe no, I could not change how long she was here with us.  God knew.  My job was to take every day with gratefulness and not for granted. 

 

((It might occur to you to ask why we treated with Chemo if we did not think we could change the outcome?  Because as the King David said in 2 Samuel 12:13-25 “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’  He did what he knew to do while there was still hope…breath…life.  We continued on in hope as long as there was life.)) 

 

·         God is GOD who can do anything

·         He does not need me to help him do a miracle

·         He loves us

·         His ultimate goal is for us to live with him in HEAVEN

 

I know some of the things I write are very different from how others think.  I share my heart as both a way for you to know how to pray for me but also to open your eyes to different ways to think about God’s word and how it can affect your life.  I love hearing your opinions and am always willing to learning new things.  Message me your thoughts…

 

Blessings Sweet Friends,

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#ChildhoodCancer

Do you work?

 

Dear Friends,

It has been a day or two since I have checked in.  I have been busy on one of my projects and didn’t finish until late at night.  Part of being a Manager of the Home is actually doing just that…managing our home.  As any wife and mother knows, maybe any single person although the dynamics will look different, part of our job is to keep our home running efficiently.  It can be a big job!

 

I always get a kick out of the conversational question, “What do you do?”  or “Do you work?”

Some ladies answer, “Nothing, I am just a stay-at-home mother.”

Some older ladies will say. “Retired now.”

I want to say, “Domestic Engineer, but I moonlight as a grade schoolteacher and sometimes a nursery director.”

Seriously….  What do I do? Hmmm, let me think about that.

While the job description varies from day to day, on any given day I do a multitude of the things below.

Personal Care: Bible study, Journaling, Drink coffee, Exercise, and get ready for my day.

Household:  1-2 dishwashers of dishes a day (kids help), 1-2 loads of laundry a day (Kids help), general cleaning, planning, and cooking meals, grocery shopping and storage of items.  Mending clothing, sorting clothing, storing clothing, replacing clothing.

Animal Care:  Feeding and watering chickens, gathering eggs.

Household Secretary:  Balancing checkbook, working budget, paying bills, filing, making phone calls, scheduling appointments, etc.

Taxi driver: I do the homeschooled children’s driving; the private school kids are done by Daddy (most of the time!).

Homeschooling:  Teaching 1^st and 3^rd grade.  Down from a few years ago when I had high schoolers, elementary and preschoolers, along with a nursing baby in arms. 

I am sure there are various other things I do at any given time.  Some days it looks like I did nothing, but in reality I have gone from morning to night and never slowed down.  None of these things are shared as a complaint.  I am so grateful that I have a husband to be a helper to.  I feel so blessed to be a mama and I realize the time with them is short whether it is from the adults growing up or losing them to death like Millie.  We have to take each day captive and find JOY where we stand TODAY.

 

One of my projects this week has been to inventory, clean, and replenish my pantry.  I pulled out the stuff that was close to expiring and made a plan of how to use it in meals this week.  I hate waste, so I will be making muffins to use up the canned pumpkin.  We had tacos tonight to use the taco shells.  I had an interesting thing happen as I grocery shopped on Monday.  My store with the capital W has a little-known policy I guess about how many items you are allowed to purchase.  It has never affected me before this week.  I have long gone in and shopped for the month, coming out with TWO baskets overflowing with groceries.  I often grab a case of a particular item because in a large family you will use that up quickly.  Anyway, this time I did not even get my basket completely full when the registered stopped working and stated, “Maximum Number of Items Exceeded.”  It would go no further.  I was required to pay my bill.  I complained to the manager who said, “sorry, nothing I can do about it in store.” I asked her to please file a complaint with the corporate store, but she declined.  So frustrating when large families are discriminated against simply for buying their basic needs.  By the way…. there was no toilet paper in my basket, nor anything else that resembled hording!

 

These are such odd times we live in when retailers do not want to sell you more products.  When stores say, “limit 4 cans” but that is just a meal.  Many of my large family friends go through a dozen or more eggs at breakfast each morning, yet last spring were limited to 1 dozen at the checkout. This problem alone would be a good reason to support your local grocer.  I consider it frequently but am often put off by the prices being so much more and the lacking products to what our family really eats.  What a quandary for a small-town grocery store! They carry none of the Gluten Free items David must have.  I cannot find low carb options, or healthier versions of the ‘regular’ Standard American Diet (SAD) foods. 

 

Another part of my ‘job’ is purchasing needed clothing both for myself and at least the younger children.  After months (years!) of searching for replacement house shoes, I found them!  I had bought and returned 4-5 different pairs that did not measure up to my 8-year-old pair with the holes in the soles and all the fuzz wore off.  However, I finally found some that are PERFECT! When the mailman arrived with my long-awaited package today, I threw my tired ones away.

 

Tuesday is book study day around here and we had another challenging 2 chapters as we studied how to be better wives (and mothers).  I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know each of the 5 ladies that are involved.  They bring their children to play on Millie’s playground while we share our hearts.  Even though I am the oldest of the group (and hopefully able to be a Titus 2 woman) I am still learning so much from each of these dear women.  Fellowship of the believers AND having precious Christian women in my life is such a blessing!

 

I hope you have a strong support system whether in person or on the internet of people who encourage you, stretches you, and challenges you to follow Christ and be the best you!  I hope you count me in that circle.

Blessings sweet friends…

 

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

 

#MilliesMiracle

 

#Forever3

 

#WithJesus

 

#Neuroblastoma

 

#ChildhoodCancer

 

 

Bearing others treasured burdens

 Dear Friends,

Today I worshiped at church…

Today I relaxed in my stretchy pants…

Today I ate yummy leftovers…

Today was a low stress day…

And then…

My biggest accomplishment turned into cleaning the refrigerator. Not because I planned to clean the refrigerator…absolutely NOT! Really who plans to clean their refrigerator? I mean I know organized household experts plan it on a rotational cleaning schedule. I have written those down, Emily Barnes style…then Fly Lady…then my style…then somebody else’s style. Reality is I clean it when I have to! When it NEEDS it! Today obviously was that day. As I was trying to put away the leftovers from our leftover meal. I guess now they are double leftovers!

Anyway, as I was trying to clear them off the counters I noticed that the refrigerator’s glass shelving needed a wipe. I pulled that one out and washed it, but then made the mistake of glancing in the produce drawer. The ‘not so’ fresh spinach had wilted and left a brown runny mess in the bottom of the draw. I pulled that out only to discover the fruit drawer had crumbs in the bottom of it. By this time, I had the refrigerator unloaded and most of the shelves and drawers out on the floor. The high-tech door was beeping at me telling me it had been left open for too long… If it only knew I would reset it 4 more times before the job was complete.

Long ago I heard the advice to store your like items in baskets or bins so they can easily be pulled out together. For years we had a ‘salad bin’ that held all our dressings and was easy to lift out. Somehow we got away from that. Today I got inspired however to regroup things into baskets. I like the look of the gray woven plastic baskets, inexpensive from Dollar General yet easy to clean up. I ran up and got a few more hoping it helps corral the mess.

Reality is that I love neat and organized spaces, but it is difficult with a household this size. We still have 7 people sharing 2000 sq foot. HUGE in terms of other parts of the world, but seemingly crowded at times around here. (When Millie was born we had 10 that lived here!). We just have too much JUNK that we might need ‘some day’. It does not bring us JOY, rather it gives me stress figuring out were to store it in case we might eventually use it and if we should keep it because it was somebody else’s special thing.

In the book “Little House on the Prairie”, Ma had the China Shepherdess that was so dearly kept and displayed at each new home. Because their family was so incredibly poor, they had almost nothing of value and this became a treasured object. ONE…not ten or two hundred treasured objects, but ONE! Families today have hundreds of treasures to pass on. What they are really passing on many times is burdens. As people age they often can not part with an item so they believe they should give it to a family member. Or sometimes we receive a houseful of items upon someone’s death and then we get to make the hard decision of what to keep.

When my paternal grandparents passed away, I received all the household goods. I set back a few items for family members in case they wanted something, but the majority of the stuff I had to deal with. My grandma was a fantastic bargain hunter. Her home was packed FULL of beautiful things, china, crystal, figurines, paintings, craft projects, and more. Some of it held wonderful memories of past times together. The Christmas village that she hand-painted. The ceramic nativity that we put out each year. One of those little snow-covered ceramic trees complete with lights on each branch. The Dessert Rose china we used for everyday meals and crystal goblets we drank tea from and so much more. She had enough to fill multiple homes. Three couches, 4 easy chairs, 2 dining tables, three bedrooms full of furniture…and 100 pieces of matching crystal. There was no way I could keep it all!

Each of the objects represented beauty to her. They represented hard work, a successful life, and even a little bit of pride in having nice things. Most of those objects represent burden to me.

Not because they are not beautiful, they are!

Not because they have no value, they do!

Not because they are not useful, some are!

But because they are not my choice. If I fill my life with someone else’s dream items, does it leave any room for MY DREAMS? I have held onto so many things because ‘they belonged to grandma’ but they take up space and the majority I do not even use. I do not host formal dinner parties (probably never will!) but if you come to my house I would love to serve you a casual meal. I hope soon it will be on dishes I CHOOSE to buy. I love the crystal pieces, but even after selling half her collection, I still have 49 pieces. We broke one years ago. We use about 10 of them and the rest are covered in 15+ year old dust.

Now do not believe that I am one to throw things out because they are old. I enjoy the handmade quilts my maternal grandmother made for me. I have a very antique quilt that my paternal great grandmother made and was passed down to me. I have a beautiful, crocheted doily on my dresser top from my paternal great grandmother, along with a grandmother’s flower garden pattern quilt she made from double knit…it is virtually indestructible. I love older generations items IF they have a use and a purpose in my life. I need to find beauty, function, and storage or they become something more to cause stress as we attempt to move, organize, dust, remove, carefully store, dust, etc. A never-ending cycle of using my time and energy for nothing!

My greatest treasures I have from my grandmothers are photos that I placed in an album and then sat with them to get the story correct. They tell the unique lives these ladies lived. They tell the hopes and dreams they had. They confidently share that each of my grandmas LOVED JESUS. These books allow my children to ‘meet’ my grandmas in a way a glass bowl never would.

Proverbs 10:7 “The memory of the righteous is blessed, But the name of the wicked will rot.”

Proverbs 22:1 “A good name is more desirable than great riches; favor is better than silver and gold.”

Matthew 6:19-21 “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

I will be working to pare my house down of unused items over the next few months…

I have some decorating plans that call to my style but I don't want to start until things are cleaned out.

As you look around your home, what have you inherited that was somebody else’s dream that you now store?

If you are older what is your thoughts on inheriting homes full of stuff or leaving homes full for your kids to sort through?

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#ChildhoodCancer

Only one butterfly...

 Dear Friends,

This page has given me so many BLESSINGS, the greatest one has been new friends. I have met people whose lives would have never crossed with mine in so many places. I have made local friends and friends overseas. I have met some of you in person, while others are only on the internet. The Lord has greatly expanded my circle and I am so grateful. Do I like the circumstances behind it… NO, of course not! However, the love and support you continually shower our family with is always appreciated!

This week alone I have been blessed to be out in a public place, not once but twice and have someone approach me to say hello. One stopped me in a town 30 miles south east of my home, while another was an hour north west of us. The people who stop me are always so kind and complementary, usually apologizing for bothering me. Please let me say this, “You are NEVER a bother. I count each encounter as someone reaching out in love. I enjoy expanding my circle of friends!”.

Seriously if you see me somewhere, please stop me to say hello. If I seem a bit scattered, just have grace on my poor tired grief brain. Social situations bring on some anxiety right now that I had never encountered before Millie passed away. I think it maybe because so much chaos is surrounding me in public… noise, crowds, and decisions to be made. Today I played soft music in one ear as I shopped. I also hugged the neck of two sweet friends who helped me get a grip as I passed them shopping. Finally, I received such sweet encouragement from a reader who recognized me. I was able to calm the knots in my stomach, finish my shopping and hurry home to prepare for guests.

Tonight, we were excited to have a have precious family of four over for dinner. It has been months since we had seen them, and it was such a recharge to just have downtime with friends. I served a recipe a friend introduced me to years ago, delicious Chicken Enchiladas with green chili sauce. I tried my hand at making a caricature food board, while my teens snickered at me saying I was trying to be trendy. I thought it came out pretty good. I have found a new love this year of Kalamata Olives. I used those, cheese, a small bowl of nuts, pickled okra, a small bowl of mini sausages all on a ‘bark edge charger’, basically a slab of sealed wood with the tree bark still on it. I also found some mini bowls that were Pioneer Woman pretty, one that had a tiny butterfly in the teal-colored glass… I had to have it as my Millie reminder. Miss Abby was my right-hand woman in the kitchen, volunteering to help me prepare the food and clean up.

Right before our guests arrived, David hung a beautiful piece of original art in our living room. This piece was auctioned off to benefit the K Club back in the fall. The winner then gifted us the piece. The artist, Tim Kenney was so gracious to add a white butterfly to the painting in special honor of Mille. He said he had painted exactly ONE butterfly in his career, and it was for her. What a kind gesture to add it to the beautiful aspens he paints. His wife Debbie has long followed Millie’s page. Spending time at their home was like visiting with old friends. They welcomed us with snacks and played ping pong with Little Man and SJ.

Tomorrow is another day of worship. Maggie will be playing the piano for our church worship service again this week. I am always blessed to hear her using her talents to serve others. It takes a lot of practice and courage to play before a church at age 15, but even more courage to know potentially thousands hear it from our church livestream and Millie’s page.

Psalm 95:2

Let us enter His presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to Him in song.

Psalms 100:4

Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!

As you enter into this coming day….

Worship, praise, pray…

Relax, rest, breathe…

Take some time to focus on the things of importance and lay aside the demands of this life.

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟﾟ★ ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ★｡･:

*:︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵｡･:*

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#ChildhoodCancer

Sharing Millie's story

 Did you know that you may share any of my posts?

If you haven’t liked Millie’s page, please do.

You might wonder why I would want you to like and share?

Because through Millie’s life being shared, others are coming to salvation. Every time you share, God’s word can be exponentially shared! My heart is to use her STORY to glorify HIM.

Mark 16:15

And then he told them, “Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone. Some of you asked about the magazine that we were published in. Page 12 features Millie and I.

http://lawtonfirst.uberflip.com/i/1309858-glife-fall-winter-2020-2021-web/0?fbclid=IwAR0p1QcJASF1nZ82UwuP4s3SqIo8kutqr-116eXTXtGCWqAKK5IfvOfSw88

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟﾟ★ ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ★｡･:*:︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵｡･:*

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#ChildhoodCancer

Bear and Monkey dancing

 There are days, nights too, when the grief sneaks up on you. Today as I sat at my desk I heard Little Man quietly singing and playing behind me. Softly he was saying “Bear and Monkey are dancing”. When I turned around there he was in our rocker with Millie’s Bear and Monkey playing much like she did. Coping?? Remembering?? Coincidental??

His best friend left a bear and monkey behind who need a hug every now and then.

....Missing you with tears tonight

Millie girl. Mommy loves you so much.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#ChildhoodCancer