Even If (Mercy Me)

When you read this post tonight some of it might not make sense until you watch this video testimony from MercyMe.

Every Person, every Christian has those mountain top days. The really good days when everything is going in your favor. You can’t imagine life getting much better than this. But then every person, and yes every Christian has those valleys. The lowest spot in their lives where nothing else could go wrong. Nothing could be worse than where they are right now, today. Yes sometimes those even come in the same day....

This video mentions chronic illness and says “if you know anything about chronic illness it never goes away. You have your good days and your bad days but it’s still there.” My mind immediately said “Until it does and you no longer have your child”. It also makes me think that grief is a ‘chronic illness’. Reread that.... You have your good days and your bad days but it’s still there. So much truth! However he doesn’t leave it there. It’s so worth the listen.   

https://youtu.be/O_WSeZh5mWA

Today was a good day.... Tonight was a hard night. I’m not sure there was a dry eye in the house. One child confessed...”I’ve lost one of my best friends, my little snuggler”. We each started sharing how hard today was. Some talking more than others. Little man climbed on my lap and said “Millie was my best sister and best friend. It’s going to be a long time until we see her again momma”. Yes for those of us left here without her, it will feel that way. It’s hard to consider living the rest of your life missing her and daily walking through grief.

#BecauseOfMillieIamChanged
#forever3
#evenif
#Mercyme
#Faith
#Trust

#Itiswellwithmysoul

#Jesus

Praises:
💕Friend Ady’s day 1 Immunotherapy is complete with only a headache. Praising God🙏🏻
💕Miss K’s best friend was in a serious car wreck today but is okay. Banged up but will heal. Praising God...

Prayers:
🔹Pray for peace in the many grieving hearts of our family tonight. If you love so deeply, you will miss so dearly 🦋💖 Millie was so loved.

JOY - Jesus First, Others Next, Yourself Last

I found my JOY🦋 where I least expected it this morning. After a good Sunday School lesson, a friend handed me some color sheets for the kids to use in church.
J -Jesus First
O- Others next
Y- Yourself last

This acronym reminds us to keep our focus and our JOY 💖

Also as I was wishing my favorite twins Happy 24th birthday, I found a picture of Millie with one of them. The kids spent a lot of time with this special lady (sorry I don’t have her sisters pic) over the last 6 years. They always have a great time playing games, cooking treats, and doing chores. These girls, along with their sisters (5 total) have invested in my kids as piano teachers, mothers helpers, house cleaners, school teachers, bible school teachers, drivers, and so much more. The going joke at one time is they were the “rent a mother” for us. We have been so incredibly BLESSED by them, their character, and their Christian love. The values that their parents instilled in their children show in the way they live their lives. I pray the same is said for my children.

Praises:
💕 It was a good day in God’s house. I’m glad to be back worshipping today.

Prayers:
🔹Daddy’s first day back at work is tomorrow.
🔹Pray for a peaceful night. Missing Millie is heavy today.
🔹Friend Ady admitted tonight and will start Immunotherapy #1 tomorrow am. Pray that the pain is manageable and controlled quickly.

Grounded in Christ

 As we start to slow down for the evening, we begin to prepare our hearts and minds for tomorrow. Sunday. A day of worship. An opportunity to gather together with other believers. For many people it is also the only day they consider including God in their lives. You've read Millie's story long enough to know that my (momma's) heart is to live every day for Jesus. My heart is also to see my children walk in truth and fellowship with Christ.

Many children are raised with no spiritual grounding or knowledge. Some are raised with only going to church on Sunday or maybe a special holiday. Some are taught at home how to read their bibles, study scripture, pray, and praise. Scripture tells us that Jesus came and died for all those children equally. Each person has the opportunity to give their life to him through
A) Admitting they are a sinner
B)Believing Christ died on the cross to take their place
C) Confess Jesus as Lord.
Did you know some people will go their whole life 'living like a Christian' without ever simply choosing to follow the ABC's and submit their lives to Christ?

Early this morning as I came into the kitchen, I saw daddy at the table, bible open, head bowed, starting his day. He didn't announce it to the family. He wasn't being showy. He just chooses to start his day with Jesus. I am so grateful when I married this man 30 years ago as a baby believer that his heart was to learn, grow, and serve the Lord. It thrills my heart to know that he desires to see his children walk in truth just as much as I do.

We have taught our children about Jesus since they were tiny infants. As I have shared before, we 'bless' them each night before bed. "May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift his countenance upon you and give you his......PEACE" I capitalized peace because they always yell that part. It's the first word to the blessing that they memorize. You may have heard Millie say peace in her tea party video. That is her ending her prayer over her food. https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=271961567491297

We read bible story books, we watch Nest bible videos, we play praise and worship music, we make an effort to put God's word in our children. All those things are great, but even greater still is our children seeing us follow Jesus. Have you heard that saying "do as I say and not as I do?". That never works out does it? That is where people start thinking Christians are hypocrites. In reality, they are probably not hypocrites as much as still baby Christians who have never gotten deep into God's word. They have belief but don't know where to go from there. Hebrews 5:12, New Living Translation talks about that...
"You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food."

Where are you tonight? Are you a new believer? Have you been a Christian for years but need to get into his word more often? Are you wondering if you even know him? I'd like to encourage you to do it NOW. Ephesians 5:15 tells us to "redeem the time because the days are evil...." meaning do it now, don't wait! However the whole chapter of Ephesians 5 is a good place to start.

Another thing to consider is what you fill your mind with. While driving today I was listening to KLOVE radio ( http://www.klove.com/ ). Each song is so encouraging. Each one I wanted to share tonight and say "YES THIS!!!" but I can't share them all. I encourage you to find this station either on your radio, the app, or livestream and dive in. Let me know if it speaks to you like it does me?

Millie asked to go to church whenever she was home. She loved to sing the songs and eat the doughnuts (we are Baptists, you have to have doughnuts...lol) In her last few days we often told her "did you know in heaven nobody has cancer? Nobody's tummy hurts in heaven. You get to see Jesus in Heaven." And on that last day, in the last few moments after blessing her one final time, we said "run to Jesus baby, don't be scared. We love you!". You see our assurance is that she waits for us there... Now our job here is to prepare our other children to know about Jesus so they can make the CHOICE to KNOW JESUS.

Praises:
💕 I’m grateful that Millie’s Miracle didn’t stop when her life did. The fact that she touched you all enough to want to read and pray for her (and our family) is tremendous. Thank you for letting me continue to share my heart.

Prayers:
🔹Pray for those reading tonight that needed to hear and believe that Jesus loves even them.
🔹Pray for Ady as she begins Immunotherapy this week. It can be a rough painful treatment. She has to do 5 rounds over 5 months. Pray it will be manageable or no pain.

Gettin it tight!

 Little Man funnies....

“Dad do you know what ‘gettin it tight’ means? It means bless you”

SJ pipes up “that’s gesundheit!”

In the still of the night

 Before bed each night, Little Man says “I need to see a Millie video”. I think in the quiet of night, when we all slow down, it gives our minds the opportunity to reflect on Millie. She filled our life in such a big way. Our house seems empty now... that sounds funny considering we still have 5 kids and 2 adults living here. One little girl so very loved, filled our lives, hearts, and home with her presence

The daily rocking chair time with momma....

Putting on her boots to go outside and work with daddy....

Chasing Josh around the kitchen table....

Watching her cuddle Joe at every visit....

Making silly videos with Miss K....

Having Miss M paint her toe nails....

Riding the 4 wheeler with Miss A....

Playing secret spies with SJ....

Demanding “woofie” her pet dog (Little Man) follow her around and let her pet him....

Making her a thousand burritos, chocolate doughnuts, pudding, taquitos, “chicken-beef”, and breaded chicken depending on her current whim.

Listening to her call ‘Grundma’ on the phone.

Watching Grandma push her on the swing at every visit.

She was so smart, sassy, and funny rolled up in one. She loved and she loved big....

In the middle of the night hearing ‘Mom? Dad? I wub you’

So many memories. So much to be thankful for. Thank you Jesus for blessing our family with Amelia Joy

Grief is lonely

 Grief is....

Lonely. Seeing my kids play by themselves. Taking a picture of Little Man or SJ playing without Millie. It opens my eyes up to just how intricately she is woven throughout our family. Seeing our grandbaby come looking for Millie...hearing the teens struggle. Just this morning, one commented how much she missed her little snuggler. Me not having her to rock to sleep at night....

Today I changed my sheets on my bed. That was an accomplishment, something to think about. I’ve avoided it because it was the last unwashed item that might have her smell (besides her lovies). Millie slept with us the night before she passed. We were all three cuddled together in our bed one last time. It makes sense to have clean sheets yet I had to pause and make a choice that I was ok with it before I did it.

Each step is a step toward healing...as if you could ever heal from a piece of your heart being gone. Maybe healing isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s a step towards accepting that life will never again be what we expected.

Although we will forever miss Millie, we can not just permeate sadness forever. Our lives will have JOY again. It might be tinged with the sorrow that she’s not here to experience the happiness with us, but there will be things that bring joy. Children marrying, grand babies to be born, graduations, SALVATIONS, so much life that our family has yet to live. Our precious sweet Millie, while she took a part of my heart when she left, she is always with me in my heart. There is nowhere I go that she’s not on my mind

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

This verse reminds me to TRUST in Him. Only through that trust can my heart overflow with hope again.

I feel like I might be rambling this evening. Sometimes the swirling emotions, random thoughts, and rational mind all clash to see who will be victorious in winning the moment. This is what brings the exhaustion... We are in a battle.

Twenty days later

 I'm not sure I have anything profound to say today. I'm still pretty tired and heading to bed on time tonight...yay me!

As I mentioned yesterday, we have been pretty busy the last few days. One thing I realized that grief makes me more exhausted. I'm not handling the little stuff nearly as patiently as I want.

Last night as I ordered iced coffee with cream at McDonald, they told me they were all out. I asked if they had hot black coffee....'yes'....and ice?....."yes". "Okay that's what I want. Just put cream in the cup and I will pour it in when it cools." Man taking the order agrees, however window #2 could not get it right. First she hands me the hot coffee...that's good. Next a cup of ice water...nope I just want a cup of ice and cream. Then she hands me just a cup of ice.... nope I want cream in it. As she tells me "mam, we don't have cream" I start to argue "yes you do I order it here all the time. That's the only reason I came here" She gives me 'the look'... you know they one that says you are stupid and need to move along??!?? Yeah that one. As I drove away I burst into tears. Was I crying about cream? No, I was crying with all the pent up emotion of the last few weeks.

One of my less than grace filled children said 'get over it mom its not life or death'...this made me cry even harder and respond "I am allowed to cry whenever I want". That's a big thing for my <<non crier>> self to be able to say.

Grief is a funny thing. Even though we are all walking it together, we all walk it alone. We handle it differently. Some are private and don't speak much of Millie. The little children speak of her daily. Daddy and I have to carry our own grief and help all the others through it. That's a heavy load. I worry about missing something...someone. I know God's grace is sufficient and I am resting in that, but I still have worry sometimes.

It has been 20 days since I last held my sweet baby girl. It feels like a lifetime has passed, but then I realize it's still July. Time has an odd hold on me right now. Tonight's pictures are from her newborn session. Such a precious sweet baby girl. So very loved!

Happier Days

 Happier days.... These pictures represent a time in our lives when we were ‘normal’. Between 18 months and 2 Millie was such a happy little girl.

Today was a productive day for the most part. We ran lots of errands, had our house cleaned as a gift to us, and finished it off with school clothes shopping. We are stepping outside of our ever expanding comfort zone and allowing Miss M and Miss A to attend a private Christian school this year. I still plan to homeschool the rest of the children. So many changes in such a short time.

I also spent the afternoon taking pictures of “to sale” stuff. It’s amazing how much stuff we own that we need pass on. I plan to start listing it tomorrow.

It’s 12:45 and I’m exhausted tonight. Thanks for checking in on us. Off to bed, better late than never

Praises:

We completed the school shopping today thanks to a sweet friend who offered to guide us about the dress code. Relief!

Prayers:

Pray friend Ady’s bone marrow aspirate is % cancer free as the results come back soon!

Sleeping at last

 It’s a good Sunday....

For the first time since Millie left us I have slept all night, tear free, and not hurting physically. My body was so inflamed the last two weeks. The steroids really have helped to settle the inflammation down. I have been taking many natural supplements to help but nothing was working.

Saturday we were able to pass some of Millie’s things to our precious grand baby. Little miss is ready for size 3’s and that’s what Millie was wearing this summer. I did keep the ones that held memories of special events or favorites. Of course I kept her Millie shirts. I kept some little socks, her sweet hats, and her bows. I’m still not sure if I want a quilt or to make a memory bear.

We plan to get a shelf to place her stuff on. Her boots, blankets, bear, monkey, and pictures. There are other things that were at her service that we will mix in. It will be a work in progress, but I’ll show you all whenever we get it together.

We also pulled out all our “baby” stuff to sell or give away. With Millie being close to 4 years old and no more babies showing up around here, it’s time to clean stuff out. After having a baby in the house for the last 29 years, this is a big adjustment.

As school starts back up soon we also set up our new homeschool area. It’s another thing we have done forever... This is our 26th year! I have lots of curriculum to get organized and sold. I feel like there are so many areas in life that got away from us this last years. In a family our size you can’t let stuff stack up too long or you will be over run with stuff.

Blessings friends. Thanks for all your prayers

Peace and Let's Eat!

 Monkey, bear, baby, Millie and mommy shared this sweet party. We ate {{pretend}} sandwiches, fruit, and cake. We refilled our cardboard tea ☕️ cups numerous times. Millie led the prayer before we ate. I’m not sure what her prayer was, except the cute laugh and the “let’s eat!”

It’s been a pretty rough day on the 10th floor. Our sweet doctors, nurses, social worker, and child life friends have each watched us fall apart at different times today. For the first time I got to look at the scans we took last week. Millie’s liver tumors have grown large rapidly. It’s no wonder her belly hurt so much. After looking at the scans, my belly hurt. It made me want to throw up honestly.

Our doctor sat down with us today and discussed what can be done. He plans to start the ICE chemo. This is our hope that this chemo she has not had before will shrink this tumor. If we get enough response we could repeat it a second time and then go to the MIBG therapy in Texas. If not, there is very little hope of a cure. We NEED Millie’s Miracle to happen soon. Please PRAY for a dramatic change in the tumor size. 💖

✝️We are not ruling out any treatments suggestions. We are so grateful for any ideas you send to us. We have the biggest vested interest in our girl. We WANT her healed, but our hearts are fragile. Above all BE KIND✝️

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the assurance of what we hope for and the certainty of what we do not see.

Our Faith is not weak. We have assurance that God is GOOD. We have a certainty that he can HEAL. We know he can do a Miracle.

Matt 18:20
For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them."

Join us...pray...gather. Our 17 yr old wrote this.

my younger 3 year old sister Millie who is battling cancer is almost out of treatment options for her cancer & she needs major prayer right now. she has one option left & after that there’s no more options so please join together with me, my family, & others in praying for her. tomorrow (tuesday, the 9th of june) at 9:00am i’m asking any & everyone who will to please stop what they are doing & pray for our sweet millie. she needs major prayers right now & a big miracle to save her life. thank you to everyone for the prayers! please share this with everyone you know. ❤️

The children’s hearts are fragile, broken. Little man said “momma I don’t want Millie to die”. I could only say “I know she’s your best friend. I don’t want her to die either.” That’s a sober conversation to share with your 6 yr old.

Praises:
💕Her belly is feeling better. The treatment for Cdiff is helping.

Prayers:
🔹Pray this chemo KILLS this tumor.

Psalms: 18-2

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold

LORD WE BEG YOU DELIVER MILLIE from this enemy.

Cancer Survivor Day 2020

 

Look who is smiling today!

Daddy had big news for us this morning. Millie’s doctors have figured out what bacteria is making her so sick in addition to the cancer. Praise the Lord! They have a treatment plan, her white blood counts are trending down. There is HOPE that her belly pain will subside some. Millie has not complained much today, only needing Tylenol once so far today.

Grandma brought Millie her beloved fries and ‘coffee’ to the hospital. They allowed her to hand the goodies off to daddy who got to surprise sweet Millie with the treats.

Our church had a prayer service today for Millie. Our specific requests are located in the pictures. Please join us in praying for Millie’s Miracle.

Today is also Cancer Survivor Day. Pray that Millie will join into this group of fighters.

A Millie Parade

 Through the eyes of innocence...

We are watching News 9 (carefully with kids around). Miss Millie saw the protesters for BLM carrying signs through the streets. Her response “Look it’s my Millie parade!”

What a blessing that a child can look and only see good. 💖

Kid funnies

Little Man showed up to sleep with us about 2 am this morning. After letting him stay for awhile, I asked Daddy to carry him back to bed. I hear David lift our sleeping boy and start out of the room. Then I hear little man say “guess it would be easier if I would just walk back to bed dad”. 
He’s growing up too fast! Every time he shows up in the night I’m reminded it is close to the last time. My big guys gave it up about this age.(Little Man 5 yr, 11 months)

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Overheard from Little Man’s play 

“They’ve reached their full potential and they are just kids”.

“What does that mean?”I asked

“It means they have learned stuff to do the biggest things and save the world.”

Kids are so fun!

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I’m laughing at my sweet SJ. I asked her “Are you going out to play in the snow?” 

“Um... it looks pretty cold mom”.
So no, she didn't.  She sat on the couch in jammies watching Little Man play in the snow. 
Snowstorm 2020

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Little man keeps asking for sweet tea. 

My reply “drink ice water. They are saying drink lots of water”.

”mom I don’t have Coronavirus”🙃

Even our 6 yr olds are hearing it...

(March 12, 2020)